It's important to know what you're worth

Calling it "gang stalking" perpetuates a lot of harmful stereotypes. We were "group stalking" you. And that's allowed, it's okay for us to do that.

Why guess when you can know?

If you're not willing to sit through all four minutes of my unabridged magical girl transformation sequence, then maybe you're not as good a friend as you think you are

Well that "wet raccoon smell" you seem so offended by is three hundred dollars a bottle, so who's the idiot now?

I'm really sorry that happened to you, but you deserved it and it actually should have been much worse

Many covet my blood for its restorative properties

Banning teenagers from malls was a good first step, but it's not enough. I shouldn't have to risk seeing one when I go to the park or the grocery store either. Teens belong at home, learning how to mix audio and swing a sword.

Boss said he made "a surefire bet" and that, because of it, he doesn't have any cash for paychecks this month. So we're getting paid entirely in "lean pork futures" instead. Says we'll all be thanking him in nine months. This one is going to be hard to explain to my landlord.

Scalp me, skin me, take my hide. Drain my blood, carve the meat from my side. Arrange my bones in your hair, through your skin, upon the ritual floor. Kill this thing I am and put its body to use. Make me a sacrifice, make me art, make me food. Make me anything beautiful to God.

Being relieved of your duties sounds so nice

You can't intimidate me because I'm already incredibly scared. Nothing could add to my terror.

They used to make TV shows about people on boats, but you just don't see that anymore. Where did our adventuring spirit go? Are we too corn-fed to dream of the high seas?

They're making me go through increasingly elaborate mazes, to test my intelligence. I wasn't going to cooperate, but they told me there's a huge block of cheese at the end, and I'm not about to lose my shot at that bad boy.

The thing about skinning a rabbit is you only need one cut. A half-inch slit, right across the spine. Just big enough to slide your finger inside. And then you pull. The pelt tears away, and the meat stays behind, and suddenly the rabbit isn't a rabbit anymore. Where did it go?

It's very impressive that you're always right, yet manage to stay so miserable

Marching into battle wearing a delightfully silly hat. The eyes of my foes soften when they spot me - a singular source of whimsy on the battlefield. Their sword arms hesitate, if only for a moment. They think back to more innocent times. I cut down dozens as the melee rages.

I took twenty seven big deep breaths about it and now I'm fine

I am a realist, which means I only believe things that are real. I'm also a rationalist, which means I'm always correct because of reason and logic and my brain.

You could have just told me I didn't get the job. I don't know why you had to put so much emphasis on me being "disease-ridden".

This was a lie. I wasn't even chuckling. Embarrassing that any of you fell for this.

I'm laughing really hard right now. Laughing so hard I might cry. Really busting my gut. Probably gonna puke.