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Devon Newport

@DevonNewport

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Writer | A wise person once told me old pizza is better than no pizza. I firmly believe that.

Here and there, mostly
Joined September 2011
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
4 months
Wrote this over the course of a couple days while on paternity leave. Usually in between diaper changes. Feel free to add to it in the comments. https://t.co/rf5VA3W7q8
devonnewport.medium.com
While scrolling through social media the other day, I saw a clip from one of the recent awards shows honoring films and music. In the clip…
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
2 years
Some heroes wear capes, some have a bushy red mustache.
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
A couple of couch potatoes
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
This is my dog’s friend, Quacky. If it looks like he’s giving me a dirty look, it’s because he is. The other day we all went out to eat and I left him with the bill.
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
Things you don’t like as a kid: 1. Coffee 2. NPR Things you like as an adult: 1. Coffee 2. NPR
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
A couple of my co-workers had Lebanese food for lunch yesterday. Today, one of them called in sick, the food perhaps playing a role. The other one, upon hearing this news, said, “I’m sorry to hear that he’s sick.” And then, after a brief pause, he added, “I falafel.”
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
I know we’re over a month into 2018, but I’m still having a tough time writing 2018.
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
A few certainties during extremely cold weather: 1. Things will freeze 2. Stores and schools will close 3. A handful of people will still wear shorts
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
*pulls koala out of hat* magician: koila!
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
Just when I was getting used to saying 2018
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
*walks into hot yoga studio, begins seductive strip tease* yoga instructor, appalled: what are you doing? *semi-naked, looking up from ‘down dog’*: “not that type of hot yoga?”
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
Hmm, the last bite of pizza I had was incredibly hot, BUUUTTT it’s been a full two seconds since then, so I think I’ll go ahead and take another bite.
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
I think the closest I ever come to understanding the sheer vastness of the universe is when my wife asks me to get something out of her purse.
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
When you realize the dry erase marker was, in fact, a sharpie
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
Shoutout to the people who quietly go about their work everyday and maybe don’t receive the praise they deserve. Like my cousin’s pet turtle named Kevin.
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
*Girl cow walks by* Boy cow: hay girl hay
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
*a rather charismatic ball of yarn
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
A mostly true story about a guy* I know.
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@DevonNewport
Devon Newport
7 years
Out of all the superheroes, I think Ant-Man may have the best power. Sure, he can't do some of the things other superheroes can do, but he can get small enough to lay out and comfortably sleep on a plane, and that's good enough for me.
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