Desi Wilson
@DesiTurek
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SonofabitchAdam: I used to babysit this little boy who was a real handful. He was always in trouble and it seemed like every time his dad had to call him it went like this…
Dad finds disaster left by Adam.
Dad yells out, “Son of a Bitch! Adam!”
One day I have to pick up
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A matter of punctuation
An English professior wrote the words, “Woman
withour her man is nothing” on the blackboard and
directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is
nothing.”
The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is
nothing.”
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THE AFFAIR
An attorney was having an affair with his
secretary. Shortly afterward, she told him she was
pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave his
secretary a sum of money and asked her to go
to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is
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Lucy
A young mother believed that it was very wrong to
waste any food when there were so many hungry people
in the world. One evening, she was giving her small
daughter her tea before putting her to bed. First, she
gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the
child
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Mail
A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his
blonde neighbour came out of the house and went
straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed
it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she
came out of her house again went to the mail box
and again opened it,
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Chinese class: I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch
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CLOCKS IN HEAVEN
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in
front
of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge
wall
of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone
on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie,
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A man walked into a department store and told an
assistant he'd like to buy a present for his wife.
"Certainly, sir," replied the assistant.
"Perhaps a dress or a blouse?"
"Anything," said the man.
"And in what colour?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Size?"
"Immaterial."
Seeing the
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I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT
GIRL
A friend asked me the other day why i never
got married.
I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the
right woman... I guess I've been looking for the
perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely
you have met at least one
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9 Things I Hate About Everyone
(source unknown)
1. People who point at their wrist asking for the
time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell
is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where
the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their a** to
search the
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A lecture about English
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class
one day. \"In English,\" he said, \"A double negative
forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as
Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However,
there is no language wherein a
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SIGNS SEEN AROUND THE WORLD
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO
HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER
DISEASES.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR
WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE
MANAGER.
On an
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THE PAYBACK
Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his
friends were married, Bill made sure some type of
practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to
be married himself, he was dreading the payback he
knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without
a
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Study not what the world is doing, but what you can do for it.
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Newsboy: "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister?"
Passerby: "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"
Newsboy: "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".
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A GOOD JOB
A father is asked by his friend, "Has your
little boy decided what he wants to be when he
grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,"
replied the boy's father.
His friend thought for a moment and
responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have
for a
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Easy to Swallow?
My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just
finished tucking their young ones into bed one
evening when they heard crying coming from the
children's room. Rushing in, they found Tommy
crying hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was
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Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys and dividing our grief. – Marcus Tullius Cicero
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The Confused Mathematician:Why did the mathematician break up with his calculator? It couldn't count on him!
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