Dennis Miller (Parody)
@DennisMillerNFL
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Football commentary from America’s bravest (parody) mind, babe.
With Al and Dan
Joined January 2016
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Pinned Tweet
If ESPN can bring back Hank Williams, Jr., I think they can bring me back, too.
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Al, we haven’t seen Vikings beat up on the Saints like this since Edmund the Martyr was slain by the Great Heathen Army in 865.
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Tom Brady's getting sacked like he's a climate scientist at the EPA.
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Derrick Henry might as well be a billionaire Democratic presidential candidate because no matter how little support he’s getting, it’s impossible to stop him from running.
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Rough night for Trump. An unqualified leader from New York hasn't made this many mistakes under pressure since... Ryan Fitzpatrick yesterday
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Al, we haven't seen the Jags dominate on CBS like this since David James Elliott and Catherine Bell introduced America to the thrilling world of Navy law!
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That's the biggest blown tackle in Minnesota since Bryant McKinnie chartered a party boat on Lake Minnetonka.
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We haven’t seen Love destroy a Cowboys Super Bowl run since Jessica Simpson took Tony Romo to Cabo during a bye week.
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I’m not saying Kyle Shanahan is being too conservative on offense, but he just told a sideline reporter that eliminating the filibuster would worsen the underlying disease of division infecting our country.
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That's the biggest Super Bowl strip since Janet Jackson, Al!
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Joe Buck has the least convincing beard since Liza Minelli was married to David Gest
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Al, Josh Allen just delivered the most egregious Bill pass since the Kansas-Nebraska Act.
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I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but this Super Bowl halftime show has had more crotch shots than Bob Crane’s personal video library.
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I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but the Packers run defense has more holes than Christopher Walken’s alibi for Natalie Wood’s murder.
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The Pittsburgh Steelers have more workplace drama than an episode of Ally McBeal.
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I got this, babe.
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Met Life Stadium has the most problematic turf since J.K. Rowling.
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Al, this is the most one-sided battle of Vikings and Raiders since Ivar the Boneless and the Great Heathen Army conquered East Anglia and slew Edmund the Martyr, babe.
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I’m not saying Pete Carroll’s game plan was too conservative, but in the first half he confirmed five circuit court judges from the Federalist Society.
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I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the Patriots get more bullshit calls than a sales rep at a manure company.
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That kick swung dramatically to the right like me after 9/11, babe.
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Al, I'm not saying West Philadelphia is going crazy tonight, but hundreds of teenagers have already been sent to live with their aunty and uncle in Bel Air.
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Aaron Rodgers is throwing picks like he’s quitting his job at Guitar Center, Al.
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Antonio Brown has left his teammates hanging so many times, you’d think he was one of Jeffrey Epstein’s prison guards.
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Al, that kick was so far left I thought Cameron Dicker was going to come steal my gas stove.
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Kirk Cousins has the Vikings pushing through the Cardinals defense like horse dewormer in a human intestine, babe.
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Carson Wentz is exposing Cardinals like he's a Boston Globe reporter, Al.
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That was the worst pick since Betsy DeVos was selected to be Secretary of Education.
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The 49ers defense is hitting on Cousins like Rudy Giuliani at a family reunion.
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Al, I haven’t seen the Cowboys upset like this since they found out their picante sauce was made in New York City.
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Vince McMahon’s starting another football league? That’s like Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet booking a Carnival cruise.
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These teams have blown more PATs than Nancy Reagan during her semester in Dublin.
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I haven’t seen a Brady struggle with a football this much since Marcia got hit in the nose right before her big date with Doug Simpson.
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Tom Brady hasn’t been that pumped about an extra period since Bridget Moynahan’s first pregnancy scare.
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This is the greatest Titan comeback since Zeus overthrew Cronus and banished him to Tartarus, babe.
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Aaron Rodgers has done more to harm Chicago than political patronage and heart disease combined.
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When I heard the corrupt leader of an oppressive, violent, socialist regime died, I was sure "Roger Goodell" would be trending on Twitter.
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I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but the Broncos offensive line is allowing more sacks than the Song dynasty facing the Mongol Golden Horde in southern China, babe.
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Von Miller’s been in the backfield all night, Al. We haven’t seen a ram give up penetration like that since Poseidon transformed and banged the maiden Theophane on the island of Crumissa, chachi,
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That field goal went right faster than my politics after 9/11!
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Al, was that game sponsored by 23 and Me? Because a lot of Minnesota players had a surprisingly accurate connection with their Cousins.
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Matthew Stafford is paying tribute to the late Henry Kissinger by launching bombs with blood on his hands.
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Josh Dobbs is stopping more Viking campaigns than the scarcity of large trees for the building of longships.
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I'm not saying that play was a disaster for New Orleans, but Kanye West just said that Case Keenan doesn't care about black people.
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Brock Purdy just made the most unexpected run since Teddy Roosevelt founded the Bull Moose Party.
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Checking Rob Gronkowski for brain trauma is like checking Def Leppard's drummer for hangnails.
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This Philly Secondary is terrible, babe. I haven’t seen an Eagle’s unit get torn up this bad since my Cabo trip with Joe Walsh! But for real folks, keep traveling, the Virus is fake.
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I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but John Mulaney had an easier time replacing Aaron Rodgers than Jordan Love.
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stefon Diggs is really yelling at his quarterback, Al! We havent seen so much yelling at Cousins since Jerry Lee Lewis went to marriage counseling.
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Even Nazi communications after the breaking of the Enigma code weren’t intercepted nearly as much as Trevor Lawrence tonight.
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Philadelphia is shutting down the Giants like they’re a federal investigation of the 1985 MOVE bombing.
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Al, we haven’t seen a Christian stopped just short of his goal like that since Richard the Lionheart surrendered Ascalon to Saladin, founder of the Ayyubid dynasty, and left the Holy Land.
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That’s the biggest Pitt fumble since the League of Shadows let Bruce Wayne climb out of that weird prison, babe.
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The Eagles are blowing more tackles than Nancy Reagan visiting the set of “Knute Rockne, All American.”
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Aziz Ansari could learn a lot about respecting boundaries from Stefon Diggs, Al.
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Even Nelson Mandela had a quicker release than Jalen Hurts, babe.
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Jared Goff is under more pressure than an OceanGate captain heading for the Titanic, babe.
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That was the most impressive Eagles catch since Gwaihir the Windlord snatched Frodo off the slopes of Orodruin with the help of his brothers Landroval and Meneldor. It’s Mount Doom in the Common Speech, babe!
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Kansas City’s receivers have the worst hands since Luke Skywalker visited the Cloud City above the gas giant of Bespin, babe.
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Considering what happened to Bryan Colangelo, it’s time to come clean: This is
@dave_schilling
’s burner account.
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DK Metcalf is grabbing more balls than Kevin Spacey playing water polo.
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Julio Jones just can’t get in the end zone, Al. He’s got more trouble picking up Six than Joey Lawrence hitting on Jenna von Oÿ on the set of Blossom.
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Seattle hasn’t had this much trouble with the shotgun since Courtney Love faked her husband’s suicide, babe.
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This Microsoft Surface tablet fiasco is the biggest technological failure since I starred in The Net with Sandy Bullock, Al.
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I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but that was the biggest Detroit fumble since Isaac Brock bluffed Governor Hull into surrendering the city while totally outnumbered during the War of 1812.
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Al, this is the weakest Thursday night matchup since Suddenly Susan was airing opposite Diagnosis Murder and World’s Wildest Police Videos.
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Al, we haven’t seen an Argentina squad escape from penalties like that since Josef Mengele and Adolf Eichmann moved to Buenos Aires to avoid extradition.
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I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but we haven’t seen this many sacks since the decline of the Theodosian dynasty made Rome vulnerable to attacks by the Visigoths, babe.
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The Cowboys’ secondary offers about as much protection as the Johnson & Johnson vaccine at Cole Beasley’s birthday party.
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Al, the Eagles haven’t had this ineffectual of a first half since they skipped the Battles of Helm’s Deep and the Pelennor Fields waiting for Frodo to destroy the One Ring.
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They should have had Paula Cole do the halftime show, because we’re all asking where the Cowboys have gone, Al.
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Ty Montgomery with the most costly surrender since Lord Cornwallis laid down his sword at the Battle of Yorktown.
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So many concussions, Al! We haven’t seen this many unconscious Eagles since Glenn Frey and Don Felder tried Joe Walsh’s homemade moonshine backstage on the Hotel California tour.
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Matthew Stafford is really getting hit a lot, Al. The last time a Hall Of Fame QB took this many shots, Joe Namath made a pass at Suzy Kolber.
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I’m not saying Kyle Shanahan has been too conservative this game, but on 4th and two he voted against having witnesses at the impeachment trial.
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How about that Baker Mayfield, Al? It’s the best performance from a backup taking over after a head injury since LBJ trounced Barry Goldwater in ‘64.
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The last time I saw defenses this shoddy was January 6th, Al.
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The Chiefs’ receivers have been more wide open than the balloon routes over the Pacific Ocean.
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This was the most inexplicable collapse by a talented Jackson since Dr. Conrad Murray was still practicing medicine.
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Brian Hoyer's looking about as effective as House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer during budget negotiations, Al.
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Not since OJ hired the dream team have we seen an LA defense come up so big in such a high pressure situation, Al.
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Jameis Winston throws more picks than Jimmy Page after a Led Zeppelin concert at an all-girl high school.
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Terrible injury for Pat Mahomes. Just like Lakota Sioux leader Spotted Elk after the US Army massacre, this Wounded Knee is a tragedy for the Chiefs.
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Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but Cam Newton played under pressure worse than Smash Mouth covering David Bowie.
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Rob Gronkowski hasn't been targeted this much since the Boston police set up a DUI checkpoint outside of Scores.
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Cam Newton takes so many head shots against the Broncos these games might as well be played in Dealey Plaza, Al.
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I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but a close contest with a Florida team hasn’t depended on a Chad hanging in there since the Al Gore campaign sued for a manual recount in Palm Beach County.
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This is the worst Philadelphia defense since Rudy Giuliani claimed he meant to hold a press conference at a landscaping company.
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Al, that was the biggest fumble by a Hardman since Bill Clinton showed Monica Lewinsky his cigar collection, babe.
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Five-to-ten, Al? Is this a football score or the sentencing guidelines for Secretary of the Interior Albert Fall after the Teapot Dome scandal, chachi?
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Boy, Ryan Fitzpatrick is struggling, Al. I haven't seen this many bad passes since Bill Clinton gave the commencement at Wellesley.
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I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but this Redskins offensive line provides worse protection than Philip Rivers’ wife’s diaphragm.
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Al, the Eagles haven’t had this much trouble with a team from Wisconsin since Paul Ryan’s staff tried to gut the Endangered Species Act.
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The Vikings were 17 point favorites today. There hasn’t been a more lucrative loss in Minnesota since the battle to control Prince’s estate, Al.
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That might be the worst muff in Minnesota Vikings history, not counting the party boat on Lake Minnetonka.
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I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but Joe Burrow has a limper wrist than Rock Hudson in an off-Broadway production of La Cage aux Folles.
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Kansas City’s receiving corps has more butterfingers than Chris Christie’s freezer.
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Al, Cooper Kupp just made the worst throw since Mike Myers to Kanye West at the Hurricane Katrina benefit.
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What a touchdown for the 49ers! We haven’t seen a Christian lead a team back from the dead since our lord and savior Jesus Christ, chachi,
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Matt Stafford has more easy picks than the new release section at Blockbuster Video.
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