Julie Anne Smith
@DefendTheSheep
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2 gigs: 'Sheep lady' blogger concerned @ harm done in the name of Christ #churchtoo (Bio: ) Cybersecurity Analyst, GCCC she/her/deal w/it
Pacific NW
Joined May 2012
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Folks, if a pastor is causing you to live in fear of him, you don't have a pastor, you have a cult leader. Vote with your feet out that door
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I recall my Calvinist husband telling me our baby, who had just learned to crawl, was sinning. Our son continued to crawl toward the wood stove after my husband said, "No." I'll never forget the smile on his face as he told me he had to spank the sin out of our little baby.
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Pastors: please hear me. Do NOT recommend couples counseling to women who share with you they are experiencing any kind of abuse (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.) This is not a marital issue, but an abuse issue. They both need individual therapy separately.
#domesticviolence
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I just shared this tweet with my adult son who reminded me that this was a setup so that the baby would misbehave and he could spank the sin away. Sometimes, I SMH and am stunned that this was my reality. My poor kids! 😢
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@uzerTodd
It's important to understand that this is where many abusive Calvinists go. It takes too many characters to type "Calvinist-on-steroids," and there aren't enough of y'all calling the troops to tell the wayward ones to knock it off. It I'd wickedness!
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Imagine what our churches would be like if these male leaders dealt with sex abuse coverups in their churches with the same fervor they are going after Beth Moore.
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When you are in an abusive marriage, sometimes the worst place to go for help is your pastor or church leaders, especially in complementarian or Patriarchal churches. Why? Because they will assume that the man is the spiritual leader and you are being rebellious.
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Just minutes ago I received a heartfelt apology from my former pastor for not protecting and defending me from my abusive ex-husband. He started a process but didn't finish and left me abandoned. Wow....the tears that flowed this morning.
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Today marks exactly 10 yrs when I was served with a $500,000 defamation lawsuit by my ex-pastor for leaving a negative Google review, warning people about his spiritual abuse. My story went viral. My blog became a safe place for survivors and their stories. The rest is history.
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Tonight my 7 kids and I were given a gift. My former pastor apologized to us for how he mishandled & dropped the ball when I reached out to him because of my emotionally & spiritually abusive marriage. He's learned a lot & gave an example of how he now handles abuse.
#mindblown
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The phrase "God hates divorce" has been used as a weapon to keep women in abusive marriages. Even abused women will refuse to leave their spouses bec of this verse. But people have gotten it wrong. God is merciful and would never want a woman to remain tethered to her abuser.
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This man is a lead pastor and speaks on marriage. I do not find this funny whatsoever. Imagine how abusive husbands would align with this kind of crass joking. Men, we need your help. He won't listen to women. Please call this out!
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4 yrs ago today my 2 adult daughters gave me an ultimatum: divorce their father or they would have limited relationship with me. I was taking too long to file and they saw I was dying a slow death because of his abuse. They risked losing me. What incredible love they showed me.
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As difficult as it is to now say "I am divorced," it's important for me to shout from the rooftops: I am free from spiritual, emotional, and verbal abuse. No one should endure abuse. It kills the soul.
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@sandycompany
Exactly, spanking a child for being curious is telling God He made a mistake in the natural developmental process of babies.
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Divorce sucks. Would have been 36 years today. Although I'm doing well with a new degree, job, home, the shattered dreams are still a great loss. And that he could remarry only 3 mos. after divorce is mind-boggling. He truly did not want this relationship to work.
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3 yrs. ago today, I got my Bachelor's in Cyber Security at the age of 53. This was my ticket to freedom from my emotionally and spiritually abusive husband (after 7 kids and 2 wks shy of 35-yr marriage). This was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
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Gotta love it when a dude outs himself as Patriarchal control-freak over all women and how they dress. Brian, you don't speak for all brothers. Most men control themselves. If you have a problem with how women dress, YOU are the problem. Fix YOUR problem.
@Brian_Sauve
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A few wks ago I shared how my former pastor reached out to me and apologized for how he mishandled and abandoned me when I asked for help regarding my abusive marriage. So many were moved by that tweet. Yesterday he reached out again.
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He wants me to arrange times to get together with my 7 kids (15 - 34) and apologize to them for how he failed them, too. He wants to meet in person with those who are local and will also connect with my daughters in two different states. This man is doing God's redeeming work.
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There's a reason why many women in my age grp who zealously supported the Christian Homeschool Movement, had large families, faithfully attended church, and taught our kids are now single moms.
#Patriarchy
harms. We have the receipts. Patriarchy does not protect women & children.
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Can we discuss the phrase "Scripture is clear?" If Scripture was so clear, we would not be debating so many doctrinal issues. If you are one who uses this phrase, keep in mind spiritual abusers use this phrase to control and coerce you to believe that their way is the only way.
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I find it very sad to see women tweeting this kind of quote. This is idolatry and putting husbands before God, which is exactly what Patriarchy promotes. True godly husbands would not want to be worshipped by their wives.
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I played the piano on the praise and worship team at church. Unbeknownst to me, while I was playing piano, my then-husband wrote on the offering card, "pray for my wife, she's an unbeliever" every week.
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The idea that pastors get to decide whether a woman is "abused enough" to get a divorce is ludicrous.
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Wrong advice. I had to go to college when I was in my fifties in order to land on my feet financially after leaving a destructive marriage. If I had my degree earlier, it would have been so much easier. There are no guarantees for a healthy marriage or healthy husband!
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On Josh Duggar: are we waking up to the reality that the Duggars' primary person of influence was predator Bill Gothard who promoted Patriarchy and wrote the playbook on how to get away with violating girls/women by having them take the blame?
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3 yrs ago I was in Maine visiting dear friends when my 2 daughters each sent me long emails...ultimatums: either divorce my abusive husband (their father) and get healthy, or they would be putting up boundaries in our relationships. They saw me dying and risked much to do so.
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What was it like in my Patriarchal home, you ask?
Brace yourself. When our eldest daughter was 13 and before she started her period, my then husband told me he did not want her to use tampons because it would break her hymen and it was important for her future husband to do so.
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@ChristineAnon
Run where? With 7 kids? With what money or source of income? You make it sound so simple. It's not.
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I was a homeschool mom (in 80s-2000s) who subscribed to Patriarchy and encouraged other women to be submissive to their husbands. I've lost track of how many of my peers have divorced their abusive spouses. Many men get abusive with this kind of power/control.
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And while he was here, I asked if he would snap a shot of all of us (my daughters are visiting from out of state and this is the first time all 7 kids have been together in over 5 yrs.)
Grateful for this sweet pic of my kids and me.
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This is why we must always have no-fault divorce. Abusers are masterful at deception and paint an entirely different picture to outsiders.
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My boyfriend calls me by my name. That's normal, right? I'm still getting used to it. I feel seen. For 35 yrs my ex refused to address me by my name. I didn't realize it at the time, but this is emotional abuse. Refusing to call someone by their name is denying their personhood.
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There are many like me who married "Christian" frauds. Mine liked the fact that we had 7 kids, that I homeschooled them. He wanted to sit by me at church w/all our kids and his arm around me to show everyone how together we were. At home he ignored me as if I didn't exist.
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Another pastor just outed himself as ⚠️unsafe for survivors of trauma⚠️.
We need to start a list of pastors who self-disclose like this. They are making it easier for us to discern.
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@uzerTodd
But it's also important for me to call it as I see it. If you look at my blog, you will see posts on scores of Calvinists who abuse and cover up abuse. I study patterns. When it comes to abuse in church, I see Calvinists as frontrunners, sadly.
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Exactly 9 yrs ago this week, I began blogging about my spiritually abusive pastor/church. This led to me being sued by my pastor Chuck O'Neal for $500,000 along with 4 others. We won. Chuck thought he would shut my voice down. I've been speaking loudly for 9 years. Thanks, Chuck!
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I'm so thankful that I went back to college in my fifties so that I could leave my destructive marriage and support myself. The idea of keeping women from college could leave them in harm's way if the person they marry turns out to be abusive!
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While we often think of spiritual abuse in the context of church. Many women like me have suffered spiritual abuse in the home. If you are a woman suffering from spiritual abuse in your marriage, I have a private group. Feel free to message me.
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Make note of the church leaders who are defending David and refusing to admit he raped Bathsheba. They are outing themselves on their view of women and their understanding of power dynamics. These are red flags. Do not dismiss them.
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Ladies, please vote. You do not need your husband's permission to vote. You don't have to vote the same way he votes. You don't even have to tell him who you voted for. Please exercise your right to vote. I can't believe I'm tweeting this in 2023!
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Yea, this landed in my private messages on my online dating app. Yea, I don't think so.
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I remember the day that my pastor told me I should NOT be submitting to my husband. He saw that my husband was using spirituality to control me and knew it was abusive and destroying the marriage. Ladies, you do not need to submit to abuse, EVER.
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One personal story: was at ex's grandparent's house with my infant and 3 yr old. 3-yr old daughter took a shower and came out wrapped in a towel. I saw Grandpa look at her, but something seemed off. I took her to the bedroom to help her get dressed.
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There is something horribly wrong with your Christianity if you cannot have a relationship with your adult children because they are not Christian or do not believe what you believe.
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I'm noticing a connection: church leaders who tell a woman it's wrong for her to divorce her abusive husband also usually give a free pass to her abusive husband. These men are living and breathing contempt for women. It is pure evil and not of God.
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If your church teaches that girls have no need to go to college, that is a warning flag. They are intentionally trying to squelch critical thinking and forcing girls to only accept the role of wife/mom. No schooling means they will be ill equipped to leave if there is abuse.
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Real Christians are Christ-like at home and church. You can tell the frauds, ask the kids. They know the truth. The sad thing is this kind of hypocrisy makes Christianity a difficult pill to swallow for the kids in these homes. The moms end up trying to clean up the mess.
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So...because I filed for divorce, now I am labeled the problem in the marriage according to some. I reject this 100%. I only filed the legal paperwork to finish what had already been done by the abuser who did not honor his vows and who had left the marriage many years earlier.
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I learned the hard way why I needed a college education. I went back to school at 49 yrs old because I needed a life-saving divorce. Please make sure your daughters get skills/education just in case. It's that important. So many women remain in abuse because of no options!
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Patriarchy destroys women and their spiritual autonomy.
Ladies, your husband is not your spiritual mediator. You are not disobedient or rebellious if you come to different conclusions on spiritual matters. You are the only one who owns your faith.
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Any pastor who forces women to remain married to their abusive husbands views women with contempt. Let's not mince words about this: these church leaders hate women. They do not align with the heart of God.
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I just wanted to share this in case others are facing this dilemma. If you are going through a life-saving divorce, you can hold your head high and make the decisions that work best for you now, and without shame. There is no shame in leaving a destructive marriage. 🙌
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So, so grateful that my daughters are college educated and have good jobs. This teaching has made it very difficult to leave destructive marriages.
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Patriarchy destroys women. It denies women their personhood. It objectifies women as merely something to penetrate and own (see Doug Wilson for evidence):
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My ex-husband identified as spiritual head in our home. We went from charismatic to Calvinist churches. He even led us to a cult. But when I didn't follow him to Calvinism doctrine, he told church/friends/family that I was an unbeliever & disobedient. This is spiritual abuse.
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Another important thing: trust your gut. I sensed danger and acted on that sense. I did not dismiss it. My gut told me correctly.
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"After a careful study of the Scriptures, she concluded that the bulk of evidence establishing men as authorities in the household, and in the church, could be traced not to the Greek Testament, but rather to English translations."
@kkdumez
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If you hear of long-time stay at home mom with little-to-no professional work experience filing for divorce, trust me, she did not come to that decision lightly. Ask how you can support her. She most likely was in a destructive marriage and is getting a life-saving divorce.
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My former pastor who told me I wasn't allowed to divorce my ex for emotional abuse is publicly commenting to a woman on Facebook that she has his full support for leaving and/or divorcing her abusive husband. Bittersweet for me, but I'm so grateful he researched and changed.
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FYI My ex's new wife is trolling me on Twitter. My ex evidently treats her well. Good, I'm glad. Abusers have the capability of treating people well, and they also know how to abuse. His good behavior now does not negate the abuse I incurred whatsoever. It just shows deviancy.
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If you post stuff like this, you will get reported. And maybe even permanently suspended. Finally some good news this week.
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You guys. I cannot even describe the difference I feel after leaving my destructive 34-yr marriage. I feel like I am living to the fullest..and don't get me wrong..I was able to get a ton done even under that dark cloud (blogging, get my cyber degree), but this is amazing.
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Read your Bibles, Owen Strachan and John MacArthur! The most obvious rebellion is when spiritual leaders harm their flock (clergy sex abuse, failure to report abuse to authorities, using scripture to control sheep). God's word has MUCH more to say about shepherds who abuse!
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It is because of my respect for God, His Word, and the men and women He created in His image, that I despise Patriarchy. I'm tired of seeing women and children harmed because of Patriarchal men who think their primary job is to rule over their wives/children.
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What a bunch of nonsense! Do you know how many 50-yr old women I know who are divorcing? It has nothing to do with feminism, but everything to do with leaving abusive marriages. They are devastated and struggling to get to a stable place emotionally, physically, and financially.
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Headed out near Moscow, ID to meet with Doug Wilson
#ChristChurch
survivors for a couple of days. Please pray that God uses me to bring hope and encouragement to these precious wounded sheep.
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I just need to say it. My 2nd daughter survived a cult, survived her parents' divorce, had to go no contact with her father, and just got an offer to grad school. So dang proud of my daughter who is
#smashingthepatriarchy
and thriving. She's going to be a nurse in 2 yrs. Woohoo!
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One of the most lonely places I've experienced was sitting in church with happy families around me as an emotionally, verbally, and spiritually abused wife. Even though I told church leaders, no one checked up on me. No one offered help. I did this journey alone.
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Our pastor confronted him and told him to knock it off. He knew it was a farce because any husband worried about his wife's salvation would never broadcast a "prayer request" where many could read. A concerned husband would quietly go to a pastor or trusted friend and ask advice.
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I unknowingly became an enemy to my husband when I didn't change doctrinal beliefs with him as he converted to hyper Calvinism. From that point on, I was labeled rebellious and in sin. Interestingly, no one told him he was rebellious or in sin before he became a hyper Calvinist.
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It is NOT appropriate for your husband to tell you that you are in rebellion because you do not agree with him 100% on what he believes spiritually. He is trying to control you and this is spiritual abuse. Your spirituality is YOURS. He does not own your faith.
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I saw this tweet this morning when I started work and it's been on my mind all day. Power differential means she can't consent.
It makes me wonder if those with the loudest voices dismissing abuse have something to hide. Notice how many are in positions of authority?
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There will be no safe place for women in churches if it is taught that women are easily deceived and are temptresses. These destructive teachings lay the groundwork for unchecked sexual abuse.
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Any time there is a sexual relationship between a pastor and a congregant or even a staff member, there is a power differential. There is no such thing as consent when there is a power differential. This is called clergy sexual misconduct. It is NOT an affair!
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If you are a church leader who publicly defended Ravi Zacharias after Lori Anne Thompson's personal account came out in 2017, it's time for you to publicly apologize to your audience and also to Lori Anne Thompson and her family and anyone else you dismissed.
#ravizacharias
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This is what Patriarchy does. Women are so beaten down spiritually and emotionally that they even deny their sisters in Christ, who were created in the Image of God, their God-given talents and creativity. This disgusts me. Women should be empowering and supporting women!
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I tell my story because there are other women living in this environment (most often in complementarian/Patriarchy circles). You do not have to live in spiritual abuse. There is support for you if you need it. Send me a message if you need support.
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I decided that I was going to own the name I married into. I did not abandon the marriage. I don't need to retreat in shame. So Smith it is, the name my kids have. That's worth something. The name isn't about him anymore, it is about my journey as wife, mother, & now single mom.
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Isn't it weird that Joni Eareckson Tada gets a free pass to speak at John MacArthur's Shepherd Conference to an audience of ONLY MEN, but TheoBros and Pro-Patriarchy women have a 🐄 when
@aimeebyrdPYW
is invited to speak at a church? 🤷♀️
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Thankful for those who read the story first on my blog in 2017 about Ravi Zacharias and believed Lori Anne from the very beginning. You are the ones who give survivors a glimmer of hope. It's taken too long for the truth to be believed. The cost has been dear.
#ravizacharias
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Disturbing title. This is not having sex. It is alleged rape of minors. Journalists must do better at identifying sexual crimes where there is no consent because of the power differential.
#DoBetter
A teacher at a Christian school in Alabama is being charged by police with allegedly having sex with 2 teen boys who had been her students
Chrystal Frost, a 35-year-old married mother of 3, was forced to resign from Crenshaw Christian Academy in Luverne
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Lord, have mercy. This is what happens when women are treated as property and not image-bearers of God with unique gifts and intelligence.
And it's really sad when women have bought into these lies and promote them, bringing other women down with them.
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learned more about divorce and abuse. And because of that, he was finally able to offer a sincere apology this morning.
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@onemoorematt
Matt, this tweet is not helpful at all to survivors. Please delete it. It's time for you to be silent as you sit with and learn from survivors.
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In 2012, my then-husband said he had some strong words to tell me that would probably affect our marriage. This was a true statement. He told me that I alone was responsible for the break-up of our family because I was not submitting to his "headship."
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In Christian Patriarchy, if there is a disagreement between husband and wife, the wife must always defer to the husband. She must not complain. If the husband is actually wrong, she can only pray for him. Patriarchy has a very low view of women.
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To be free from verbal, emotional, &spiritual abuse for the first Christmas in 35 yrs is the best gift I've ever given myself &my kids. To go back to school at 49 yrs &get my Bachelor's in Cybersecurity was hard. But I did it. I hope my story encourages others to flee from abuse!
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FULL STOP: Bathsheba was not in sin. I repeat, Bathsheba was not in sin.
@LisaCongo
@DefendTheSheep
Do not mix God's standard with human reason. Anyone involved is sinful behavior is sinning. That does not mean they are not also victims. Bathsheba was in sin, even though David was king.
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Pastors, if you are saying that divorce is a sin from the pulpit, you are maligning all of us who divorced to save our lives and the lives of our children from ongoing trauma.
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Nothing says spiritual abuse like: I'm not going to have a relationship with my adult daughter until she repents and becomes a Christian, even though the cult I led her to caused her to abandon her faith and I contributed to the spiritual harm.
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This is pretty disgusting! Don't confuse her word "protecting," it's really about control. And I'm so glad one of my daughters found my tampons and helped herself.
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