dave horwitz🪣
@Dave_Horwitz
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I'm a tv writer but what I really want to do is direct (traffic). Legacy Bucket (🪣) account 4/2/23
Los Angeles, CA
Joined April 2011
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Pinned Tweet
Welcome to Personal News: the only news program all about YOU.
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What if we kissed in the brief window between the decline of omicron and the rise of the next super variant
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time to play everyone's favorite game show Covid Or Slept With The Heat On And Now Your Throat Is Dry
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Quarantine time limit lowered to 30 minutes in your car on the way to work
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a sitcom about a friend group where not everyone is in every episode because they have other friends they like to hang out with sometimes
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cdc says you can now die 5 days after watching the tape from the ring instead of 7
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My friend is going on a 1st date tonight with a girl he's been talking to on Tinder. They're going to park next to each other at McDonald's and talk with the windows cracked while eating their own individual orders of fries. How's that for romance and longing, JANE AUSTEN?
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The Postal Service does not exist to turn a profit it exists to remind us that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.
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My sole contribution to the sex scenes in movie discourse is that my dad rented Secretary in 2002 sight unseen and we watched it as a family and it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me
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this is the most newsroom ass shit that has ever happened
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This dog I saw on an adoption site has major “this is fine” energy
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2000-04 was the nastiest film aesthetic. Every dude was styled in giant bowling shirts and baggy jeans, women had weird pixie cuts with the little strands in front and low rise jeans, every color palate was barf, Smash Mouth showed up and played a concert regardless of genre. Ugh
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Imagine getting Covid because you can’t resist eating potatoes in the same room as your stupid ugly family
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Fully shocked there’s not an improv team full of white dudes with film degrees called Yes Anderson.
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Good morning from this truly baffling outfit my brother just saw in Tokyo
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when i see peers popping off about Detective Pikachu and Sonic on here I imagine my dad in 1992 coming home from a long day of work and calling his friends to argue with them about the design of the bat from Ferngully
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if you ever wonder why I’m not funnier this is my hometown and my parents are still together
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Bernie won NH, Wes Anderson has a new movie and RICK MORANIS is back! It's a big day for guys who would be absolutely no help in a bar fight.
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when you go to the apple store with a clogged iphone charging port they have a special cleaning tool that fixes it immediately and If you ask to buy one they say no
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Phoebe Waller-Bridge is proof that all you have to do to be recognized is to make the best thing that’s ever been made
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a bunch of dudes are going to go as hot priest for halloween but they wont be hot so people will just think they are "priest"
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wanna feel old? look in the mirror ya fuckin. fuckin dinosaur. haha old ass bitch
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This transition to an ad read from a podcast where Steve-O interviews Bam about his health problems kills me
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No one has ever tweeted this and i'm certainly not going to be the first.
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Now that all the craziness has died down I want to say that i found a baby alligator in a Pringles can and I’m married to Wendy Pefffercorn from The Sandlot and I have murdered 4 of my employees
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there's one and a half months left in the decade: what are YOU crying in your car about?
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Ruin A Screwball Comedy By Calmly Explaining That There’s Been A Misunderstanding
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ok they did heat batman and zodiac batman now do taking of pelham 123 batman
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We’re gonna learn that this guy’s parents got killed outside an opera house by a big candy bar
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If he does the Willy Wonka somersault when he leaves the hospital we’re gonna have to give it up for the guy
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Bon Iver is on the new T Swift surprise album and this week is the 10 year anniversary of Scott Pilgrim so it’s a big week for people who used to post GPOYs on Tumblr
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I don’t miss going to bars so much as I miss being given extremely juicy information in a dark booth and having a slightly too loud reaction and having a few strangers turn and look at me
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My brother took this picture and thinks I’m overreacting about how cool it is. I’m not, right?
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There’s a Christmas movie on Hulu where a woman has to learn about Hanukkah but doesn’t know a single Jewish person
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But will I understand the $1400 if I haven’t seen the $600?
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If you know anyone who, in these trying times, still hasn’t seen John Mulaney And The Sack Lunch Bunch, it is your civic responsibility to show it to them NOW.
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I’ve been thinking about this perfect joke from Boy Meets World for decades:
ERIC: so I said to myself, Kyle-
MR MATTHEWS: Kyle?
ERIC: that’s what I call myself.
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You ever wake up disappointed in your disgusting mouth for undoing everything you achieved with your toothbrush the night before
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Every Woody Allen protagonist: Sure she's just a kid and I'm many potatoes in a tweed blazer but she's sensational! I didn’t know whether to go to bed with her or tuck her in.
Every Woody Allen best friend: you are innocent let's go buy used books and discuss my bad marriage.
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brb gotta prove it’s not gay to have a baby by lighting an M80 in some dry brush on a 110 degree day
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My poor mom texting me like a Victorian child with Scarlet Fever
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I think Melissa McCarthy’s character from Spy should be in Fast 10 and I’m 100% serious.
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M3GAN is the first movie I ever walked out of that I legitimately liked. No gripes with it at all! I got an hour 15 in and thought, ok nice I get it. Pretty fun!
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Safe to say this was the greatest piece of comedy/art produced in the last four years:
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Just saw a white dude shielding his face from the rain with his dreadlocks which means we get two extra weekends of Bonnaroo this year
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I just realized people are going to use this in their dating app profiles so if you do please venmo me $2. Thank you and best of luck out there.
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what’s the worst professional rejection you’ve ever gotten? I was dropped as a client by my first manager who ended the call with “I remain a fan.” Turns out that is not fan behavior!
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wow the sheer gall of hunter biden for being open about recovery instead of secretly blowing rails and screaming at rallies until he's red in the face lol it's almost like he is a human being or something
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New Year’s Eve is probably the best holiday that ends w/paying rent
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@WardieJerusalem
@AFP
ENOUGH! every day the news is exactly the same! When will the mystical ritualistic psychedelic toad venom murders at the hands of Spanish porn star penis candlemakers stop?
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I wish the Delta Variant was what it sounds like (a 1973 political thriller starring Gene Hackman and Candice Bergen about a cloned politician) and not a vague reason to have a panic attack in two months.
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Gangs Of New York is like if characters in a big splashy musical refused to sing for three hours
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Genuinely sad to hear that Jessica Walter passed away. An amazing 50+ year career. If you're only familiar with Lucile Bluth and Mallory Archer, check her out as Evelyn Draper in Play Misty For Me where she does what many of us dream of doing: terrorize Clint Eastwood.
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The worst guy-style is “dude, relax. I’m FUCKING WITH YOU.” Would rather be murdered than “fucked with.”
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After 6 months of quarantine the rules have changed: all guys must now start wearing long sleeve shirts under t-shirts again ala 1998-2001.
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All this unending nathan fielder discourse just tells me that most of you don’t know that many Weird Guys
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Do/did girls get obsessed with boys they would see literally once in passing while on vacation with their families and concoct elaborate but unfulfilled romantic scenarios in their heads or is that a Guy Thing?
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Simultaneous Thoughts:
1. I'm amazing
2. Everyone hates me
3. I have rare insights about the universe
4. I am a complete and utter dullard
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if you're trying to figure out if you're on a date, look up and remember this helpful rhyme:
edison bulbs? my friend, it's a date!
fluorescents above? platonic mate!
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An easy way to go viral is take a screenshot of a movie and make a fake caption using the day’s date.
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Me, posting someone’s viral video that I ripped from another platform and removed credit/name: lol who made this
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People like to throw around “only 90s kids will know” but this one is real: the only thing worth saving from that decade is bonus tracks on CDs that were just answering machine messages left by the singer of the bands girlfriend who was usually Claire Danes or something
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You ever think about how it’s literally crazy to lose an entire year of life or is it just me
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just ran into an old work crush and was immediately re-humbled by how thoroughly this person does not care whether I live or die
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Every year the tough guy stand up scene inspires a post like “you cucks think you can cancel Carmine Boom Boom DeLuca? He holds the record for most hate crimes in Jersey! His closer on the road is he kills a broad on stage. He fucked his dad on a dare! Nice try snowflakes!”
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How’s everyone else hoping to get through the next 40-50 years? my plan is I’m out for a walk and I help an old woman with her garbage cans and she writes me into her will and leaves me her house
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Lemonade was released two years ago today. A girl was supposed to come over that night and she canceled on me because she got so mad at every single man while watching it. Beyonce, your art is just too powerful.
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You ever feel like you haven’t *earned* your imposter syndrome?
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So much of adult life can be measured in manic two week bursts where you decide you’re a salad person and depressive two week bursts where your fridge is overflowing with rotting produce.
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@promax4Trump
My wife now still wife very normal good lady then one time she watch Samantha Bee show and get all Pod Save America boys tattooed on butt ass she storm White House and shoot pussy hats out of t-shirt cannon and now she lives and sleeps in jail that why I am infowars man now
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why would disney cast one of the biggest movie stars alive right now to voice buzz lightyear and not a nearly 70 yr old man who is no longer a box office draw it's gotta be wokeness
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My dog stepped on something and was VERY lightly bleeding and limping slightly and when I tell you I carried her 45 pound ass for a block and a half only to see her tongue hanging out enjoying the ride... only then did I understand even partially what I put my parents through.
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more than anything i fear the "in defense of taylor" thinkpiece that lena d is going to write
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Hollywood is wild because in the 70s Art Garfunkel was a viable leading man and now to play the best friend in a comedy you need 4 million Instagram followers and abs
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ABC should air the Black-ish Take A Knee episode in Roseanne's time slot this week.
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If you don't apathetically say "go sports" to friends who like football, how will they know you went to a liberal arts college?
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Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks have been eating spaghetti on recliners next to each other watching movies every day for years so in a way he’s already been in heaven for a while
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My aunt just showed me this picture of two t-shirts my grandparents had custom made and I’m freaking out
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"In 2016... Bradley Cooper... & J Law are... magicians... who have... cancer?"
-David O Russell rearranging his moviemaking fridge magnets
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Jerry using this campaign to debut a new bit about the word “drip”
Drip used to be the worst thing to be! I wouldn’t go out with him he’s a drip! My nose is drippy! Faucet’s broken, it’s dripping! Now it’s good! He’s got drip! We stan a drippy king! When does the new drip drop?
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