Darth Putin
@DarthPutinKGB
Followers
613K
Following
93
Media
7K
Statuses
64K
Czar for life of all Russians. Master Strategist. . Tea connoisseur. Window installer. Author. YouTuber. Wanted in 123 countries. Parody, apparently.
Joined November 2012
In honor of droneageddon, Prez is launching 1st ever summer sale. At webshops use code "DarthSummerSale" for 25% discount. Charity partner coming soon. ๐๐
4
83
730
Day 485 of my 3 day war. Russia is invading Russia to free Russia from those who invaded Russia to free Russia from those who invaded Russia. I remain a master strategist.
359
9K
56K
Russian World War 2 era T-34 tank plays dead to avoid being sent to Ukraine.
1K
7K
52K
At this rate I'll be asking President Zelensky if we can just keep Moscow.
654
5K
51K
Day 50 of my 3 day war. The Russian warship Moskva, that was told โgo fuck yourselfโ, has gone & fucked itself and sunk. I remain a master strategist.
419
6K
48K
Iโm beginning to think that giving a psychopath his own private army of criminals was not a good idea.
735
6K
48K
๐บ๐ธ: ISIS is about to attack you.๐ท๐บ: LIARS!!.ISIS: We attacked you.๐ท๐บ: This mustโve been ๐บ๐ฆ .๐บ๐ฆ: It wasnโt us.ISIS: It was us.๐ท๐บ: Here is van with ๐บ๐ฆ plates!.Everyone: Theyโre from ๐ง๐พ.ISIS: It was us.๐ท๐บ: We arrested guys from ๐น๐ฏ.๐น๐ฏ: No you didnโt.ISIS: It was us.๐ท๐บ: It was ๐บ๐ธ&๐บ๐ฆโฆ.
549
9K
48K
The only people now afraid of the Russian military are Russian men of military age.
420
5K
45K
Russia:.Invades Moldova โ92.Flattens Grozny โ99.Uses polonium UK โ06.Cyber attacks Estonia โ07.Invades Georgia OTD โ08.Invades Crimea & Eastern Ukraine โ14.Downs MH17 2014.Flattens Aleppo 2015.Uses Novicok 2018.Invades Ukraine more 2022. Elon: Why do Russiaโs neighbors fear it?.
694
10K
45K
Have warned Finland & Sweden that if they join NATO I will be forced to sink my ships near their coast as well.
471
5K
44K
My funeral will also receive a multi-gun salute. Fired into the coffin, just to make sure.
491
4K
41K
Day 214 of my 3 day war. The only people now afraid of Russian army are Russian men of military age. I remain a master strategist.
214
5K
41K
Military age men mobilized at Moscow airport today. To get out of Russia. I remain a master strategist.
625
4K
38K
2015: Lock her up! .2016: Lock her up!.2017: Lock her up! .2018: Lock her up!.2019: Lock her up! .2020: Lock her up!.2021: Lock him up!.2022: Lock him up!.2023: Lock him up!.2024: We mustnโt go after political opponents. :.
I donโt respect this verdict. Nor should anyone.
162
4K
37K
Stop comparing me to Hitler. He kept things he annexed for several years. I can barely manage several hours.
294
3K
36K
Russia:.Invades Moldova 1992.Flattens Grozny 1999.Uses polonium in UK 2006.Cyber attacks Estonia 2007.Invades Georgia 2008.Invades Crimea & Eastern Ukraine 2014.Downs MH17 2014.Flattens Aleppo 2015.Uses Novicok 2018.Invades Ukraine more 2022. Also Russia: West is so aggressive.
711
8K
36K
My trying to understand why my army is retreating from Kiev.
416
4K
35K
My army is retreating from the territory we just annexed.
469
3K
34K
Elon Musk planning to release new @Tesla for Russian market. It will reverse faster that it goes forward.
429
3K
33K
Russia will have to join NATO for protection against Ukraine.
376
3K
32K
The only tank in today's victory parade was a T-34. When it heard it was to be sent to Ukraine it tried to play dead.
815
5K
33K
Wagner took 9 months to capture Bakhmut and 3 hours to capture Rostov.
224
3K
33K
Russian tank has heart attack upon hearing sounds of tractors.
369
4K
31K
To prove we only ever wanted to conquer Donbass, today we bombed Lviv. Over 1000km west.
312
4K
31K
Exactly 16 months ago, residents of Kiev were fortifying their city to prevent a Russian invasion. Today, residents of Moscow are fortifying their city to also prevent a Russian invasion. I remain a master strategist.
180
4K
30K
Day 46 of my 3 day war. Ukraine is on fast track to join EU while Sweden & Finland are poised to join NATO. I remain a master strategist.
251
3K
30K
New plan is to retreat from Lyman so fast that Ukraine army will exhaust itself chasing us. I remain a master strategist.
221
2K
30K
Ukraine is advancing so fast in Kursk cos they arenโt stopping to steal toilets.
332
4K
30K
Day 405 of my 3 day war. I invaded Ukraine to move NATO further away from Russia but ended up with Finland joining it & doubling my border with the alliance. I remain a master strategist.
536
4K
30K
Have you noticed he never says anything bad about actual tyrannical governments?
681
4K
32K
Sending badly trained conscripts to fight in winter against a motivated enemy defending their own land has always worked well for Russia. Ask the Finns.
379
3K
29K
You're no longer talking about my army retreating at Lyman cos it is now retreating in Kherson also. I remain a master strategist.
229
2K
29K
Day 221 of my 3 day war. I played my gas card so early Europe stocked up for winter and I mobilized so late that my conscripts will freeze in it. I remain a master strategist.
160
2K
29K
Weeks - 7.Victories - 0.Sanctions - โพ๏ธ.Finland & Sweden - Joining NATO.Capital Ships - 1 fewer.Goddaughter's dad - POW.War crimes - Guilty.Zelensky - Trolling ๐ค. I remain a master strategist.
216
3K
29K
Despite sanctions, Russian made answer to HIMARS will soon arrive in Ukraine.
512
2K
29K
Have threatened Sweden & Finland that them joining NATO means I will have to sink my ships on their coast as well.
310
3K
28K
This is annoying. Spent ages programming bots to tweet about Bidenโs age. Now have to make them racist & sexist.
138
4K
26K
Germany 2015: "Greece must make painful economic sacrifices to receive bailout". Germany 2022 " Germany will not make any economic sacrifices to stop a genocide".
269
6K
28K
Russia:.Invades Moldova 1992.Flattens Grozny 1999.Uses polonium UK 2006.Cyber attacks Estonia 2007.Invades Georgia OTD 2008.Invades Crimea & Eastern Ukraine 2014.Downs MH17 2014.Flattens Aleppo 2015.Uses Novicok 2018.Invades Ukraine more 2022. Also Russia: West is so aggressive.
510
7K
27K
Day 200 of my 3 day war. The Russian army advances rearwards exactly as planned while Ukrainian military flees in a panic chasing after it. I remain a master strategist.
205
3K
27K
In Kherson "99% of the people voted to join Russia forever".
417
3K
27K
Russia. 2ฬถnฬถdฬถ ฬถmฬถoฬถsฬถtฬถ ฬถpฬถoฬถwฬถeฬถrฬถfฬถuฬถlฬถ ฬถaฬถrฬถmฬถyฬถ ฬถiฬถnฬถ ฬถwฬถoฬถrฬถlฬถdฬถ.ฬถ2ฬถnฬถdฬถ ฬถmฬถoฬถsฬถtฬถ ฬถpฬถoฬถwฬถeฬถrฬถfฬถuฬถlฬถ ฬถaฬถrฬถmฬถyฬถ ฬถiฬถnฬถ ฬถUฬถkฬถrฬถaฬถiฬถnฬถeฬถ.ฬถ2ฬถnฬถdฬถ ฬถmฬถoฬถsฬถtฬถ ฬถpฬถoฬถwฬถeฬถrฬถfฬถuฬถlฬถ ฬถRฬถuฬถsฬถsฬถiฬถaฬถnฬถ ฬถaฬถrฬถmฬถyฬถ ฬถiฬถnฬถ ฬถUฬถkฬถrฬถaฬถiฬถnฬถeฬถ. 2nd most powerful army in Russia.
167
3K
27K
Too traumatized to escape Ukrainian tractors, Russian tank assumes submissive position.
704
5K
26K
Someone tell @OlafScholz that if it's ok for Kremlin to donate heavy weapons to Ukraine, it's ok for Germany to as well.
220
3K
25K
Russia's most advanced anti tank system is called "The Olaf Scholz".
255
4K
26K
Day 224 of my 3 day war. Russian army is holding the line. It's just that the "line" keeps moving towards Russia. I remain a master strategist.
204
2K
25K
The Russia warship Moskva has not been sunk. It has been converted to Submarine.
360
2K
25K
Day 79 of my 3 day war. As Finland is joining NATO, I will move more Russian soldiers to border. Joining the 200,000 buried there from last time we invaded. I remain a master strategist.
270
2K
25K
I stand 25m away from my loyal audience as a Russian pistol is only accurate to 15m. I remain a master strategist.
251
2K
25K
This is awkward. Russians will think a president can just retire. They might get ideas.
154
3K
24K
If you ever wondered what you would have done to stop Hitler, you're doing it now.
269
4K
24K
Germany 2015: Greece must make painful economic sacrifices to receive bailout. Germany 2022: Germany will not make painful economic sacrifices to stop genocide.
241
5K
24K
When Kiev was attacked by Russians, Zelensky stayed. When Moscow was attacked by Russians, I ran.
333
3K
24K
Day 49 of my 3 day war. Sweden has announced it will apply for NATO membership, ending years of neutrality. I remain a master strategist.
180
2K
24K
Food in Russian Army is like dark humor - not everyone gets it.
154
3K
23K
"We will drastically reduce our operations around Kiev" translates to "please let us leave, we've had our asses kicked enough". I remain a master strategist.
280
2K
23K
When a monkey moves into a palace, he doesn't become a king. The palace becomes a zoo. Proverb. Adapted. #Inauguration2025.
56
4K
25K
Weeks - 10.Victories - 0.Sanctions - โพ๏ธ.Economy - ๐ฝ.Oil embargo - Pending.Supply dumps in Russia - Exploding.Generals - Dead.Army - Advancing backwards.Le Pen - Lost.9 May parade - Not in Kiev. I remain a master strategist.
291
3K
23K
Day 250 of my 3 day war. My army advances backwards and I'm losing all my warships in a land war to a country that doesn't have a navy while my air force fires at Europe's largest country and misses it, hitting one next door. I remain a master strategist.
178
2K
23K
Months - 1.Victories - 0.Casualties - 15,000+ ๐ป.Dead Generals - 6.Missing Defence Ministers - 1.Sanctions - โพ๏ธ.Economy - ๐ฝ.Rouble - ๐งป.War crimes indictments - Several. I remain a master strategist.
235
4K
22K
Day 96 of my 3 day war. My army has moved 5 miles west since February. NATO has moved 600 miles east in the same time without losing single soldier but it's still been worth it. I remain a master strategist.
167
2K
22K
Pic shows Crimea bridge repaired in record time with all traffic moving normally. Checkmate, imperialists
649
1K
22K
Day 38 of my 3 day war. My army advances backwards after a glorious defeat in Kiev & I am reminded of when I said I could conquer the city in 2 weeks. I remain a master strategist.
233
2K
22K
Crowds of Ukrainians who wanted to join Russia are terrified that the people who've been shelling them & committing genocide for 8 years have pushed their glorious Russian liberators out of their territory.
185
3K
22K
Day 227 of my 3 day war. Crimean bridge made goodwill gesture & become tunnel. I remain a master strategist.
187
2K
22K
Me arriving in Mongolia:.Customs: Name?.Me: Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.Customs: Occupation?.Me: No, just a day visit.
174
3K
22K
Don't care about #Eurovision . I won Russiavision. Got 146% of vote. Sang "Those were the days". Seemed best choice.
348
2K
22K
I canโt decide which is more humiliating, that I ran to Saint Petersburg or that I had to be rescued by Lukashenka.
188
2K
22K
Day 34 of my 3 day war. My army advances backwards, most of my agents are no longer secret & Abramovich has unfriended me on Facebook. I remain a master strategist.
166
2K
22K
