Helga Von Tippler
@DanaLeaB1
Followers
8,240
Following
1,894
Media
12,426
Statuses
87,579
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Venezuela
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宝塚記念
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UN MILLON PARA FURIA
• 10985 Tweets
#SoCalFiresJamesWoods
#WoolseyFire
#Malibu
Found with his deceased herd of goats & sheep next to
#MalibuGolfCourse
. Stayed on guard to the bitter end.
#Agoura
Looking for owners.
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We must all do our part for the planet. I just unplugged a whole row of electric cars no one was using.
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I unfollowed & blocked everyone who isn’t a mystical creature pretending to be a human. So if you’re seeing this. I know.
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Apparently it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say “Skip Intro” when they start talking to you.
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People who are easily offended are probably the same people who have to have warning labels like “It’s not safe to drink gasoline from the gas pumps”.
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Accidentally knocked a houseplant off the kitchen counter & had to spray myself good with the water bottle to prove to my cat no one is above the law.
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Two incomes are better than one. Make sure your partner has two jobs. Follow me for more advice on financial freedom.
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I just replaced my litter box with a fed ex box. Now when’s it’s full I just tape it up & put on the porch for someone to steal.
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The cable repairman was just on my street & asked me what time it was . I told him it was between 8am & 1pm.
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A sad ending to our beloved
#88
. She’s home now with her calf. She brought a lot of people from all around the world together & for a simple cow that was a huge achievement.
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Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea about how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
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Isn’t it funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, But 7 beers and 3 shots in 2 hours goes down like a fat kid on a seesaw?
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As I watch this generation try & rewrite history two things I’m sure of.. it will be misspelled & have zero punctuation.
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Fellas out there online hitting on women need to try harder than a “ your pretty” . The 38 year old middle eastern men in my dms have already written 6 poems & promised all their assets. Plus they sweetened the pot with a camel.
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I’m giving up drinking for a month.
I’m sorry , that came out wrong.
I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.
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I’m going to buy 100’s of blow up dolls , fill them with helium & release them during the eclipse. Then I’ll pour a drink & watch people go crazy!
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I just sold a lawnmower on Marketplace.
That’s the last time my neighbor is going to wake me up early on a weekend.
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Ladies: Don’t let a man who drinks Bud Light raise his voice at you. You talk to him woman to woman.
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Looking into essential oils . Which is the one that calms people down? Chloroform? It’s chloroform isn’t it?
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Honestly no one wants a better smartphone.
Everybody wants their dog to live to be like 60.
Get your priorities straight science!
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Stop blaming yourself for your failures.
Study astrology and blame the planets.
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Nothing refreshes my memory of things I need from the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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I almost had a “I need a man” moment. Then I was able to open this whisky bottle myself. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
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I might not be able to walk the walk or talk the talk. But I’m sure I can drink the drink.
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Maybe if we had just let them eat tide pods all this crap wouldn’t be happening right now.
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Do you think that when fish get thrown back into the water by fishermen they go swimming around screaming about alien abduction’s & other fish think they’re crazy & stop talking to them?
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Happy Saturday morning!
My idea of housework is when I sweep the room with a glance.
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Do you ever meet someone for the first time & want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?
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Rest well tonight middle finger.
You’ve got a big day tomorrow.
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If y’all ever see me drinking a Bud Light with Lime I’ve been kidnapped & am trying to send a signal.
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Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me Driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
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Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
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I cannot tell if the people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living life to the fullest.
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I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover to the sound of my neighbor mowing his lawn. I was going to get up but then I thought nah, he can just mow around me.
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Women don’t ask for much. We want equality, respect , bodily autonomy, several jeweled crowns, 3 yoke of oxen, ample supplies, 2 large ( or 5 small) dragons, a pack of obedient attack wolves & pockets in every garment.
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We cannot all be the Queen. Someone has to clap as I go by.
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I was having a great Friday until I realized it was Wednesday.
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If you see your glass as half full pour it into a smaller glass & quit bitching.
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I just rescued some tequila! It was trapped in a bottle. I saved the day.
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If you are scrolling through your timeline trying to distract yourself from something you don’t want to think about , or you’re looking for a sign.
You are going to be okay.
Just breath.
You are alive and you matter.
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I just found out there’s no popcorn in popcorn shrimp. So I guess there’s no reason to try pot roast.
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I just bought my co-worker a “ Get Better Soon” card. They aren’t sick.
I just think they could do better.
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What a time to be alive! It’s like the collapse of Rome but with WiFi 🍸💋
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So glad April Fools is over & everything on the Internet is true again.
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If you’re looking for a boat captain or a structural engineer today is your lucky lucky day ! They’re everywhere!
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I’m cutting back on my drinking & just having one vodka before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 9 times.
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I’ve gotten stronger as I’ve aged. Now I can carry in $200.00 worth of groceries in one trip.
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A baby can drink its bottle and fall asleep , and it’s cute. But as soon as I do it I’m an alcoholic.
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Stop naming your kids London and Paris when they act like Shreveport and Bossier.
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How about not getting the kiddies a live chick or bunny for for Easter. It’ll just hype ‘em up plus you gotta care for it. You can get em little liquor filled chocolate bunnies & eggs. They’ll eat them and fall fast asleep. Then you can enjoy your day.
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Me having a cocktail after being chased by the alphabet people for calling the blue haired girl “SHE” instead of “Office Jet Pro Series 2930”.
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Somedays success is moving the laundry from the washer to the dryer before the mildew sets in.
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The hour we lose this weekend is the hour I’d planned to go to the gym.
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Allow Helga a moment:
I keep seeing “These men died so you could enjoy a 3 day weekend” . I’m sorry but these men whom we honor today died so we could could live free of an oppressive government, free from having every penny taxed & spent on God knows what. They died in the name
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My dentist told me I needed a crown & I was like “I know! Right?”
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I feel most of my problems could be solved with a swim up margarita bar.
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Me : can I drink alcohol on this medication?
Dr: Well one drink is going to feel like 4.
Me: So I’m saving money…?
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If you must choose between two evils. Pick the one you never tried before.
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There are people out there training for marathons & I’m here on the couch trying to lasso the remote with my cell phone charger.
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I wish I lacked common sense. They all seem so happy.
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I woke up this morning vowing to drink less, eat right and exercise.
But that was 6 hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
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So then the personal trainer asked me what my fitness level was , and I said “Honey I just pulled an ass muscle crossing my legs”. Then I asked if they had any wine. Anyway I can’t go to that gym anymore.
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I need to try & get back in shape but I’m going to wait to see if the world’s going to end before I put any real effort in.
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I found $20.00 in the parking lot & I asked myself “ What would Jesus do?”
So I turned it into wine.
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I asked the kid at McDonald’s if the Shamrock Shakes were made using fresh Shamrocks. He went to ask the manager.
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It turns out you can only spray so many people with Fabreeze before they kick you out of Walmart.
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I think we all need to go out to an empty field and just scream for about an hour.
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Good mornings. Greetings from the Von Tippler encampment.
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I always say “ Morning” instead of “Good Morning” because if it was a “ Good Morning” I’d be on a yacht drinking mimosas.
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I have to stop saying “ How stupid can you be?” People are taking it as a challenge.
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I like my coffee the way I like most men.
Falling off of the roof of my car as I drive away.
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I no longer dislike Mondays. I’m mature now. I dislike the whole week.
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Fairy Tales used to start with “Once upon a time…”
Today they start with “ According to Experts…”
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I don’t know why I don’t buy more piñatas .Like right now I would love to beat the crap out of something & eat a bunch of candy.
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I hate it when girls act like they’re too good for McDonald’s talking about “I care what goes into my body”
Girl I’ve seen your exes and you most certainly do not.
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Excercise makes you look better naked. So does tequila.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this,
But you still have clothes in the dryer.
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I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
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Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I simply cannot wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
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Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could swoop down out of the sky and snatch your dinner from a lake.
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I almost had an “I need a guy” moment but then I was able to get this Vodka open.
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I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”.
If it were a “Good Morning” I’d still be in bed instead of interacting with people.
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Me: It’s not how many times you fall it’s how many times you get back up.
Police Officer: That’s not how a field sobriety test works.
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I just saw a homeless man with a sign that said “ one day it could be you” . So I put my dollar back in my pocket just in case that MF was right.
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I made a risotto of mushrooms I foraged locally. Not only was it delicious but a welsh choir of purple elephants sang the whole Bat Out of Hell album accompanied by a light show.
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Alcohol does not cause hangovers sleep causes hangovers. I was feeling absolutely fabulous before I went to sleep.
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Today’s Inspiration:
Whatever life throws at you. Duck and let it hit somebody else.
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The Kentucky Derby & Cinco De Mayo in one weekend? Time to dress like a lady & Drink like a fish!
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What’s he going to do? Crash into it?
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The path to inner peace begins with four words
“ Not my effing problem”
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The only news that counts is
#88
the rest is blather .
#88
’
Sleeping and rest. Breathing is a bit raspy as pressure from her size pushes against diaphragm. Contractions have been going for much of night. Waiting for water to break and begin the delivery stage as she is likely fully dilated. 2 am update
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Receiving a dick pic from a guy is like a cat bringing me a dead mouse. I can see you’re proud but I ain’t touching it.
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You might as well go ahead and pronounce the “L” in salmon. Nothing matters anymore.
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