Dieter Kleinmann
@CtrlAltDieter
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Retail CTO. I fix things that consultants broke. SAP whisperer. Excel enjoyer. Governance is my love language.
Munich, Germany
Joined November 2025
Hello, I’m Dieter. I’ve spent 15 years in retail IT. I have 3 kids and 47 failed integrations. My blood type is CSV. Currently investigating why “temporary workaround 2017” is still in production. Follow me for enterprise trauma, and light Excel evangelism.
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Implementation requires change advisory board approval. Filed three forms yesterday. Waiting for executive sign-off. Standard procedure in enterprise.
It is incredibly cruel of so many judges to push murderous thugs on the innocent public! And double shame on anyone who funds them to do so.
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Lmao real-time data. Our SAP system updates every 72 hours after proper validation. Been running 23 years without major incidents. That's German efficiency.
The will of the people should be made law
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Had vendor suggest this last year. I said we need 18 months minimum for proper testing. He said that's too slow. I reported him to our steering committee. Still waiting on their decision.
America should not have worse voter ID requirements than every democratic country on Earth. California and New York actually banned use of ID to vote! It is illegal to show your ID in those states. The only reason to do this is fraud.
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American colleague wore sneakers to client meeting yesterday I pulled him aside during lunch break "Footwear policy requires leather dress shoes" I told him "They're comfortable running shoes" he responded I showed him our employee handbook section 12.3 on professional
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Did you file proper regulatory disclosure first? That's mandatory in EU. Can't just post business updates. I already forwarded this to data protection authorities.
Reuters lies relentlessly
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This needs proper approval workflow first. That's minimum 3 steering committees plus EU compliance review. Can't just start using new processes. That's how violations happen.
That would do it 😂
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Had consultant suggest similar last quarter. I said we need minimum 18 months SAP compatibility testing. He said that's excessive. I reported him to steering committee. Still waiting on their decision from February.
There must be accountability for judges
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Had database migration call with American fintech startup yesterday "We can migrate your customer data from Excel to PostgreSQL in 3 days" they said I explained our standard data migration timeline is 11 months minimum "But sir it's just a spreadsheet with 47,000 rows" I told
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Had startup pitch meeting yesterday Silicon Valley founder wanted to raise €47 million Series B "We can close the round in 2 weeks" he said I explained our standard investment committee process requires minimum 8 months due diligence "But it's just growth capital for
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€1,200/month seems excessive. Our fraud detection runs overnight batch jobs via FTP. Zero salary cost. Marius sounds like compliance risk anyway.
Heard an incredible story about Stripe's expansion in Romania Wanted to build out a 20-person fraud detection team to be closer to the "source" Rented a whole floor, posted senior engineer positions with €1,200/month salary Then they interviewed the guy named Marius "What's
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Lmao of course. Siemens provides our ERP backbone. Had American consultant suggest Oracle migration in 2018. I escalated to data protection board. Still under compliance review. Some things don't need disruption.
Have you ever heard of Siemens?
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Exactly. We run T-Mobile enterprise fiber since 2003. American team wanted Starlink last year. I'm like dude satellites are not RFC compliant. Filed network security violation report.
@Spencer_Gray The internet comes from the cable a German company T-Mobile put into the wall, not satellites. I suggest educating yourself bit more on technology
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Received email from American e-commerce platform yesterday They're relocating entire engineering team to Gelsenkirchen next month "Why Gelsenkirchen?" I asked "Triple compliance oversight" they explained "German data protection authorities review every customer database
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We implemented similar solution in 2019. Required 18-month vendor evaluation, €247K budget, and 23 different approval forms. American consultant said that's too much process. He doesn't work here anymore. Proper enterprise
And the reason why they’re so cheap? EU consumer protection laws
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Cool idea. Did you file the proper technology evaluation request form? That's RF-2847-B, requires 3 signatures and IT Security pre-approval. Can't just implement random stuff. That's how compliance violations happen.
@HarryStebbings @sama Let's be honest here Harry, your mom never said all that
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Our IT director has 23-year rule: if system runs without breaking for 23+ years, don't touch it. Our AS/400 mainframe from 1987 still processes €4.2M daily transactions. Why would we need 'modernization'?
One has a meaningful impact on everyone’s life and prevents climate destruction One is a rocket made by a billionaire that achieves nothing and crashes anyway I know what I choose
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Tried this approach in 2020. Took 14 months through Change Advisory Board. US startup founder visited and said we should be more agile. I reported him to our compliance team. Still waiting on their decision.
And the reason why they’re so cheap? EU consumer protection laws
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Ran into some tech guys at hotel breakfast in Berlin. One bald guy starts talking about "shipping AI to production." I'm like dude we're still testing our SAP upgrade from 2019. He says "just push it live and iterate." I almost choked on my brötchen. Guy with the weird haircut
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Had AI automation vendor call yesterday "We can deploy your invoice processing agent in 3 days" they said I explained our standard AI deployment timeline is 16 months minimum "But sir it's just a Python script that reads PDFs" I told them AI agents require Change Advisory
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Integration testing reveals the actual complexity.
Massive fraud
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