Daft Pun
@CooperEarlJones
Followers
1,879
Following
533
Media
20,572
Statuses
66,954
P1. Dad joke aficionado. Wordsmith. Veteran. Day mode. U2 sucks. I hate being called Court. Not your black friend. I don’t watch YouTube links you send (ever).
Joined February 2014
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Pinned Tweet
One day I will say something that will make you mad, make you uncomfortable, or make you unfollow me. Until then, let’s have some fun.
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Roll call if you live in Texas and will still wear a mask
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Arya walking into the next
#GameofThrones
council meeting when she isn’t in consideration for the throne
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I wonder why they call it dad bod instead of father figure
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Warren Sapp on his lunch break at Home Depot seeing his name trending
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The search continues since contact was lost, but my understanding is Dan and Jake have about 48 hours of oxygen left
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A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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@DontrellChillis
That’s Clark Kent, but when he takes his glasses off in there, he turns into Puperman
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I went into my daughter’s bathroom to get something and saw this. I wish I had found drugs instead.
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She Harvey Oswald
give this girl the cy young for hitting mike pence in the melon with a water balloon
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Win Super Bowls
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"This is the only knee I wanna see the Cowboys take, I'm Ed Carter"
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@philmartinjr
Here’s mine...we are lucky to be doing something we love because it makes it seem like we never work at all!
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@TheChiefRasta
But you know Payroll Set Tea wasn’t hittin it right so she got with Bubba Ho-Tep
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Y’all heard of Lil’ Sweet? Well I’m Big Sweet and instead of Dr Pepper, I sell Purple Drink
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My Joey
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Assassinated
224-pound Russian woman reportedly killed husband with her buttocks
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1K
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Imagine being an Eagles fan at this game, then having to leave and go live in Philadelphia
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@Lisahollinger2
I’ve always felt bad for the workers who have to be in there and deal with these selfish people.
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A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:
Mind if I say a word?"
She says: "Please do."
The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain."
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
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In the Army. I was drunk and needed a ride to get my car so my friends could drive us to Austin to drink some more. She gave us a ride and although nearly blackout drunk, I remembered she was pretty and asked her out. The trajectory of my life changed for the better that night.
Couples… don’t all speak at once but… how did you meet your other half?
Indulge me I’m a romantic!
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That stupid run you have to do when a car waits for you at the crosswalk
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The Cowboys haven’t departed Foxborough yet because Connor Williams is holding them up.
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URGENT— Chestily, 53, a healthcare worker was mandated to take Pfizer's COVID-19 vaccine, 3 days later paralyzed from legs down, followed by severe convulsions and seizures, can no longer, clean, cook, drive a car, requires full-time caretaker, "i'm a prisoner in my own home"
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Had someone stop talking to me because I started speaking up on racial inequalities. 18 years of friendship gone like that. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it hurts.
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Somebody broke into the Walgreens down the street and stole Viagra and Cialis. So be on the lookout for these hardened criminals.
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Cowboys fans coming back from the dead to cheer in the
#LARvsDAL
game and proceed to talk that shit
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In all my 54 years on earth, I still don’t know and will not learn whether to put my defrost temperature on hot or cold to get the window to stop being fogged up. I just turn knobs until something happens.
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During a meeting this morning, someone said “algorithm.” I said “hey guys!” Nobody laughed.
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Say what you will about T Sizzle, but at this daddy daughter dance these girls are jamming to her song and it’s kinda neat.
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Purple sank
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Looking back at the gas pump to make sure it goes back to the welcome screen
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Showed my kids this picture to prove I used to have hair and my youngest walked up and said “is that Martin Luther King?” 😞😂😂😂
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I dedicate tonight’s cowboys loss to this rangers win. You’re welcome.
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