http://t.co/OKeKt0u6Yc Rectangle? It nearly KILLEDtangle. I could totally write for kids' shows.

Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am. http://t.co/oKw32Ovv82.

You think life as a woman is hard? Try peeing with an erection. http://t.co/AtYEOAKD.

Tired of being fat and pasty? Put tanning bed lights in your refrigerator. http://t.co/97GX4ajF.

http://t.co/UpYzBNXq Stole a bunch of extra long q-tips from the doctor. Who wants to party?.

http://t.co/6Tay18R0 ME: "Whoa. Put a combo on that meat locker." HIM: "Huh?" ME: "Your fly is down, idiot.".

http://t.co/q6cMtRQo "Son of a bitch, what are you doing? I just brought you that." (most dogs during fetch).