Claire Carmalt
@ClaireCarmalt
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Professor in Inorganic & Materials Chemistry & Mum to two girlies - one lives in my ❤️💔. Tweets about grief; also my research (functional materials).
England, United Kingdom
Joined March 2011
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Pinned Tweet
Our beautiful daughter Tory died suddenly on 28th October 2022.
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2020 we were in lockdown and it was a tough time for many but I loved those months locked at home with Tory. This photo was 3 years today, Tory & I were enjoying a drink. Never did I think she wouldn’t be here 3 years later. She was such a delight to be with ❤️
#grief
#childloss
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I survived my 1st day back in the office since loosing my beautiful daughter Tory. I’m exhausted but I felt that Tory was with me every step of the way. This photo was taken on the day we took her to uni at Plymouth for the first time in 2020 💔💔💔
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A year ago today it was my daughter Tory’s funeral. It felt unreal then & it still does. I chose this outfit for her to wear, gave her a blanket & slipper socks to keep her warm, a teddy, photo & letter to take with her. Such an emotional day. She’s loved & missed so much
#grief
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Missing Tory lots 🩵.
Went for a walk, very windy but sunny. It was a sad & lonely walk. Just me plodding along thinking of my darling daughter, how she should be walking alongside me but she never will again. I do feel her with me in my ❤️ but it’s not enough
#grief
#forever20
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This photo came up from 2 years ago. My lovely daughter home from uni for a weekend as she was missing us 🥰. We went out for Tapas & had lots of laughs. It takes my breath away to think just 8 months later she died. She will always be my beam of light 💙 Tory
#forever20
#grief
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One year ago our beautiful daughter Tory died who filled our world with kindness, love, colour & happiness. I am grateful for the support on here over the past year. If you can please light a candle🕯️ for her today. Please RT so we can have candles lit across the world 💙
#grief
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I think about my lovely Tory everyday but especially today 16th March her birthday. We would have been celebrating her 21st today. She brought such joy to our lives right from the moment she was born. She is loved & missed so much 💔Happy 21st my sweet beautiful Angel.
#Grief
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One of the toughest things I did after my daughter died was drive to her university town & clear out her room. Tory loved Plymouth & spent ages setting her room up. It was simply 💔 to pack it all away. I sobbed the whole time. I’m grateful to still have her room at home🩵
#grief
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One piece of advice I got often after my daughter Tory died was to take small steps. Such good advice! Last week I took the big step of going back to work. It was hard but today has been just that tiny bit easier. This photo was Tory helping me get ready for my wedding in 2019 💙
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Grief insomnia has hit me hard this Easter weekend. I suppose in term time sometimes my brain can pretend Tory is away at uni but Easter she would be here. She should be here 💙. But I worked hard on the garden yesterday and managed to sleep better last night
#grief
#childloss
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Today I took my younger daughter shopping for school stuff. I should be getting things ready for her older sister Tory to go back to uni. But this is my reality. An empty hallway, no bags & stuff to pack. No Tory to wave goodbye to. It’s just completely heartbreaking 💔
#grief
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You were our ray of sunshine Tory. You filled our life with laughter, kindness & love. I miss you every day & Christmas makes it even more painful. But I remember your smiles & delight at this time of year & we will raise our glasses to you my lovely daughter
#grief
#forever20
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Struggling with flashbacks on the run up to the anniversary of Tory dying. She was feeling a bit unwell but put it down to exam stress. I got her to see her Dr but never imagined she would die 4 days later of a pulmonary embolism, a silent killer. My beautiful daughter 💔
#grief
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I had no appreciation of grief exhaustion before losing my daughter Tory. Not just lack of sleep but the effort it takes to push your grief down so you can function. I feel bereft today so chose 2 smiley happy photos of older and little Tory 💙
#Grief
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It’s not going well. I’m only half way home on the train & have started blubbering reading all the lovely messages & just missing my fun loving girl so much. Luckily everyone on the train ignores you so I can sit here quietly crying & think of previous trips with Tory 💗
#grief
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My lovely Tory, you should be coming home from uni, tired but happy & full of excitement for all you experienced this term. But 2021 was your last Christmas. I can’t believe you’ve been gone nearly 14 months. Keeping going & trying to smile I do for you 💔
#grief
#childloss
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Needed a lift so went out with hubby last night. I was brave & went to the pub where Tory used to work. When she started she said it would be embarrassing if we went there (she was 16) but we did & she loved it & sat with us in her break (& got a tip 😊). Miss you Tory 💙
#grief
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Some days grief is hard to manage. Today I had a full on grief wave as I got off the train & I had to hide in a nearby park. A lovely friend came & sat with me until I could go into work. I am so grateful. Tory would have been proud of me not giving up today 💙
#grief
#childloss
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Sorting out admin things when someone dies is hideous. The worst was today cancelling our summer holiday…..so heartbreaking 💔. Made a tiny bit easier by the lovely call handler who is lighting a candle for Tory tonight. This was the last time we went abroad in 2019 💙
#Grief
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Last night while enjoying a drink in the garden, hubby ask me how I was as he could tell I’d had a tough week. It was like a dam bursting open & the tears flowed. He is my rock, he held my hand, hugged me & cried with me & we talked about Tory & the heartache💙
#grief
#childloss
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I miss my lovely daughter Tory every moment of every day. I am so grateful to all the other bereaved parents on here but also many other lovely followers who have been a great support over the past 18 months. Thinking of all bereaved Mum’s on
#InternationalBereavedMothersDay
💙
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It’s been a busy start to the week. It’s good to keep occupied as the weight of missing my lovely daughter Tory can feel overwhelming at times. It’s nearly 18 months & the initial shock has faded, but I still feel ‘shocked’ that she has gone & the sadness is intense 💙
#grief
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A year ago today Tory was having a fab time at a festival & her Instagram post read “life is complete”. I spent the evening worrying about her at the festival & for her train journey home. I’m so glad she had a happy time but she should have had so many more 💔
#grief
#childloss
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It’s my birthday today! My hubby knows how hard I find birthdays since Tory died & for my birthday he made me this lovely model. It’s Tory at her bench. She’s wearing her medical scrubs & is on her phone which is perfect. He painted her hair red ❤️. So touching
#grief
#childloss
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Tory posted this photo 4 days before she died. I look at this & think should I have spotted there was something wrong with her. She looks so healthy & beautiful. In a way her positive bubbly nature & being so conscientious went against her, she just kept going 💜💔
#grief
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It’s October tomorrow. A month I’ve been dreading as it will bring the anniversary of Tory dying. There have been lots of ‘firsts without Tory’ and milestones to get through over the past 11 months but this one feels so hard to contemplate. My beautiful daughter forever20
#grief
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Memory for today from 3 yrs ago was taking Tory to uni as she started her 1st year. I knew I would miss her loads & I did. With her death that missing pales to insignificance as I cope with the finality of never seeing her again. Struggling to see signs from her this week
#grief
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Thinking of my beautiful daughter Tory on
#nationalbereavedparentsday
Missed and loved so very much ❤️🩵💙
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I often find myself thinking that she can’t just be gone. Where is she now? She was too vibrant for it to just be the end. Then my Robin visits, a white feather arrives, I see a sunset or a 🌈 appears. I think there’s my Tory, she’s still with me 🩵
#grief
#childloss
#forever20
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Stayed off Twitter most of yesterday. I let a comment implying I had no emotional attachment to my younger daughter get to me. Then I realised I had >200 lovely comments to my last post & they are the ones I should focus on. Thank you as always for your lovely support 🩵
#grief
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NYE so tomorrow I go from ‘my daughter Tory died last year’ to ‘in 2022’. It upsets me as I move further away from her 💙. But I still feel her with me & hear things she would say to me. I also try to keep in mind that 2024 is an exciting year for my younger daughter 💕💕
#grief
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Today is my birthday & the 1st one since Tory died. Part of me doesn’t want to celebrate but Tory would say ‘Come on Mum it’s your Birthday!’. So I will cherish the joy of sharing birthdays with Tory in previous years (photo 2020) & make the most of being with family today
#grief
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7 months today Tory died. How can it be possible that she’s no longer here? She should be coming towards the end of yr 3 of her medical degree, full of enthusiasm for all she had experienced & getting excited for the summer hols. Life really isn’t fair 💙
#grief
#childloss
💙
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Today was the 1st time at a hospital appointment that I managed not to cry. I was asked about Tory but the Dr was so lovely that I found I could say it without crying. This photo came up as a memory from 4 yrs ago when Tory was out with friends looking so lovely ❤️
#grief
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2 yrs ago today we celebrated the end of Tory’s 2nd year of being a medical student. We should be going out this year with Tory’s 4th year completed & her sister leaving school but 118 days later Tory died. It still pulls me up short to really believe she has gone 💙
#grief
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Since my lovely daughter Tory died the Robin in my garden who visits me, sits near me when I garden & sings to me has brought me so much comfort. So I was so touched with this drawing my Mum did for me for Tory’s birthday. Now the Robin is with me at all times ❤️
#grief
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Had a gentle walk down to Tory’s bench which felt the right way to start the NY. I sat & thought about my beautiful girl & how the positivity she always had in her short life gives me the strength to keep going & to try & enjoy life. Wishing everyone a peaceful & happy NY
#grief
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Happy heavenly birthday to my lovely Tory. My heart is heavy & I miss you hugely. I so wish you were here celebrating your 22nd birthday. I’m thinking of all the happy memories from previous birthdays. My darling daughter, you are loved & missed so much 💙
#grief
#forever20
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It’s 8 months today since Tory died. Felt so sad but a lovely memory from 5 years ago came up which was Tory’s pre-prom. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea as it grew from a few friends to lots plus all their parents. I am so glad I did. She had such fun 💜
#grief
#childloss
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Felt very sad today. Grief brain or post holiday blues? I woke up thinking about Tory as a baby, how I held her in my arms & no longer remembered life without her yet it was only moments since I had held her for the 1st time. Now I have to face life without her
#grief
#forever20
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A week today it will be 1 yr since my beautiful vibrant daughter Tory died. It’s hard to find words for how the approach of the anniversary is making me feel….pain, unsettled, sad, anxious. So tonight I’m taking hubby out for dinner. It will be a distraction at least 💙
#grief
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A year ago I was meeting the celebrant to arrange Tory’s funeral. Sobbing away as I made decisions over what clothes she would wear in her coffin, choosing the music, writing the tribute & sorting the visual tribute. A parent’s absolute worst nightmare 💔.
#grief
#childloss
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Tonight Tory’s lovely little hamster Delilah died 🥲. The logical side of my brain says she had a great long life for a hammy but my emotional side says I’ve lost another link to Tory & it’s impacted my grief lots 🥲. Go over the 🌈 back to your Mummy little Delilah 💙🐹❤️
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I feel like an emotional reck after my counselling this evening. We spoke about how it felt having Tory right from being pregnant through to losing her aged 20. How it still felt so wrong that she’s gone. It was hard, very hard, but also good to let it all out 🩵💙
#grief
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It’s been a tough few days & the grief exhaustion has hit hard. I keep myself busy but every moment I pause I think of Tory. This photo reflects when I truly felt life was complete with Tory & her sister. Disbelief that only 1 is still here. 💙 Tory forever 20 💙
#Grief
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I’m at Newcastle station to get the train back to London feeling overwhelming sadness that last time I was here I was with Tory. We had such a carefree fun few days together. Happy memories but oh so bittersweet. It is still incomprehensible that she’s no longer with us
#grief
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I wanted to share a photo of Tory when she was a baby because I miss her so much. Those little cubby arms 🥰. She was bright as a button right from little and throughout her 20 years of life 💙
#grief
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Tonight I went in your room Tory. I looked at your shoe rack. All neatly lined up. So many more years of wear in them. Your sister borrows them sometimes but she always puts them back in their place as though you are going to come back but you are gone. It’s 💔
#forever20
#grief
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10 yrs ago Tory was finishing primary school & the class went ice skating. She couldn’t believe I could skate, said I was a cool Mumma. She didn’t know I spent weekends at the rink in my youth. I have to remind myself of happy memories, it’s a tough grief week
#grief
#childloss
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1st day of term today & welcoming new students. It gives me a lift to see the new students. I went for a walk when I started thinking how Tory should be calling me to tell me how her start of term is going 😢. Here she is in 2005 on her 1st day of school 🥰. Miss her 💙
#grief
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I worry so much about my younger daughter. She’s lost her sister 💙. But tonight my heart lifted as I came in from work & she had cooked tea, been for a walk today, unpacked her suitcase (finally!!) & finished some work. I guess she just needs to take little steps like me
#grief
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Wanting answers is part of the grieving process. We’ve waited a long time to find out why our beautiful Tory died age 20 so suddenly. Recently got the report, she had a pulmonary embolism due to a blood coagulation disorder. It’s 💔 & still so hard to believe
#grief
#childloss
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I struggled at work today, kept it together in my meetings but 2 unlucky people ended up with me in tears in my office. Now I’m trying to keep it together on the train home. Here’s Tory last summer and when she was diddy with me on our summer hols 💔.
#Grief
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This week I’ve been trudging along carrying my grief heavily with me. A little happiness was booking uni open days for my younger daughter. This brought back lovely memories of going with Tory in 2019. Such happy days 💛. How is it possible that Tory is no longer with us?
#grief
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4 yrs ago I took my girls out for dinner for Tory’s last night before starting uni. Tonight I’m taking her sister out as she goes to uni tomorrow. So many emotions, happy & excited for her, but apprehensive & upset. Tory went so happily & tragically died in her 3rd yr 💙
#grief
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An intense counselling session today. I wanted to explore feelings I was having as the anniversary approaches & moving into the 2nd year without Tory. How I have lost some purpose in life, how it is more real now & how to deal with triggers. Here’s colourful Tory age 7 🩵
#grief
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Thinking of all who have lost their child today on Mother’s Day. I’ll always be a Mum to 2 girls even though one is no longer with us. Despite the absolute heartbreak at losing Tory I will always cherish the 20 yrs we had & today cherish being with my younger daughter ❤️
#grief
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It’s my lovely younger daughter’s 18th Birthday today. She said she didn’t want to celebrate due to coping with sibling loss. But she’s delighted that I’ve planned a family lunch & all her mates are coming over tonight. It’s what Tory would want & she will be with us all day 💙
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Super proud of Rosie, she got offers from all 5 universities she’s applied to! It’s heartbreaking that she can’t share this with her big sister. Photo from 2020 when we were going to an offer day for Tory. I know Tory would be so excited for her sister 💙
#grief
#siblingloss
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Hubby and I are on our way to a wedding reception. I’m in need of a uplift to my spirits today so it was nice to get spruced up and the sun is now shining 😊. Im going to have a drink for Tory & try and enjoy the evening 💜
#grief
#childloss
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Rosie is off to Lincoln to study Biology! I’m so proud of how she found strength to complete school & get into university while coping with the tragic loss of her sister Tory, who I know would be so happy for her. Time to celebrate now 🥂🍾
#grief
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I had a wonderful dream last night. We were on a family holiday. You were laughing away Tory, we were playing in the pool & then went out for dinner. I felt so happy in my dream. Then I woke up & my tears came as it was just a dream & you are still gone 💙
#grief
#childloss
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Looking at photos keep you going but they rip you apart. This photo of Tory reminds me of a joyful day. She commuted with me to my work nursery & on this day we were waiting for the train to go to her leaving party ❤️. But then I think of everything she will never be 💔
#grief
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It’s
#BereavedParentsDay
. Thank you to all the bereaved parents who have been such a support to me. Sending love to you all. Also thanks to those who read, care & comment on my posts about my much missed daughter Tory, it’s helped me to know people care and lifts my spirits 💕
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My positivity is very low this week. Even my younger daughter noticed & said that I can ask for a hug any time if I need one 💗. I was thinking how beautiful Tory was as a bridesmaid (7 times!). She often chatted to me about ideas for her own wedding one day 😢
#grief
#childloss
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Sibling grief is tough. I have people checking up on me at home and work. My younger daughter (17) has to cope with going to school feeling that people are talking about her, friends don’t know what to say. Her and Tory were besties right from the start. 2 happy photos of them 💔
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Evening out to celebrate the end of Rosie’s exams. Hugely proud of her for finishing school & her exams despite going through the devastation of losing her sister Tory. We had a couple of cocktails, talked election, parties & travelling. Tory would be proud 💕
#grief
#childloss
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It’s been a tough time for my younger daughter coping with the anniversary of her sister’s death, on top of dealing with an altered life (& a sad Mum). She needed cheering so up went the 🎄. It was good to see her smile. There is a special section of the tree for Tory 💚
#grief
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My joy today was my younger daughter giving me a big hug, saying she loved me & I was her best friend. I hate the thought of her going through life without her sister Tory who was her bestie. I will never be able to fill that hole but I’m here for her 💗
#grief
#childloss
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Hard grief day. Tears came when my younger daughter showed me a video she had made of her & Tory. Then I read through the memory book her uni friends did. It’s heartwarming to know Tory filled their & our life with kindness, happiness, love & of course colour.
#grief
#childloss
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Hugely touched by Tory’s uni friends who raised money to get a bronze leaf at the Eden project. Tory’s leaf has been installed in the Wild Cornwall Garden. So special as they held the MedSoc ball there in 2022 which she loved & she also adored wild gardens and Cornwall 💚
#grief
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People have been lovely since Tory died & understand the heartbreak of losing a daughter. Then I get emails saying it’s good that I’m healing 🤦🏼♀️. It’s a daily battle, my heart is broken. I know I have to build a new life but that will take a long long time 💙
#grief
#childloss
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Tomorrow it’s 6 months since my lovely daughter Tory died. 20 yrs old and loving her life. It still doesn’t feel real. It’s been such a terrible time but even so there have been little bits of joy in life that help to keep us going. Below are some reflections
#grief
#childloss
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Lots of positive vibes needed for my younger daughter tomorrow as she has her first A’level exam 🙏🏼. She’s had such a tough time coping with the loss of her sister but I know Tory will be with her. We went on a walk today & I think I could sit her geography exam now bless her 😆!
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Emotional day yesterday at Tory’s new memorial bench in place thanks to her school friends. It’s a beautiful spot (near where the photo of us was taken). The sun was shining. There were tears & laughter. She will always be with us. Thank you for all the love yesterday ❤️
#grief
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The sun is shining today & I thought I’d start the day with a happy memory from January 6 yrs ago. Tory came into the kitchen with her new Xmas onesie on. Did a little dance making me laugh, came over & gave me a big hug & kiss. I wish I could hug her now. 💙
#grief
#forever20
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I just miss my gorgeous daughter Tory so much my heart aches. She should be coming home for Christmas this week. I should be wrapping her presents. She should be calling me to check what days she is free to see her friends and what days we are seeing family. Life is so unfair 💔
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Twitter has led me to a recently set up support group for bereaved parents in academic
@CLIA_Support
, which is such a lovely idea. Tory was my best friend. My heart is broken. RIP my sweet angel x
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Trying so hard to make it a good Christmas for my younger daughter but this first Christmas without my darling daughter Tory is so tough. This was her and I last Christmas never imagining it would be her last one 💙
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My sister always said that Tory was a ‘mini me’, we both dyed our hair red/orange, wore DM boots & had a hamster as students. Here’s me (left) & Tory (right) at age 20. Heartbreaking that Tory’s life stopped at 20, a life unfulfilled. She brought such joy to my life 💙
#grief
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A reaction to grief is to isolate from others. I try not to & I take inspiration from Tory. She wrote (age11) that she wanted to be a doctor or do drama. When she was little she played the leading role of a cheetah and I know she would have made it as a doctor
#childloss
#grief
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In Bristol for the Uni open day tomorrow with my younger daughter. Had a wander & enjoyed a nice meal. I fought the feeling of how can it be only 4 years ago I did this with Tory & now she’s no longer here. I’m trying to focus on enjoying this special time with her sister
#grief
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My little Tory having fun baking at Grandma’s 💗. Such a look of happy delight on her face. Some days I find the thought of her being dead is just too big to get my head around. Is that just part of the grieving process or the disbelief that my child has died?
#grief
#forever20
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This is Tory when she was little with her favourite cuddly toy which she named ‘Woof Woof’. Woof Woof came everywhere with her & snuggled up with her at night 🥰. He liked to listen to the bedtime story & have a kiss goodnight when she had one 🩵💙
#grief
#childloss
#forever20
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Grief can bring you up short when you think you are doing so ‘well’. Coming into land yesterday in Corfu it hit me hard & I burst into tears. Tory should be sitting next to us, chatting non stop & getting all excited about the holiday. Missed so much 🩵
#grief
#forever20
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I was thinking phew I’ve survived the week. I felt bad that I was wishing time away but then I switched it to a positive & thought that yes I have done well to get through another week despite feeling so sad & missing Tory so much. I found this photo today 💜
#grief
#childloss
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Thankful to feel a little bit better after a rough few days, where even going upstairs caused me to pass out! Feeling unwell & grieving for Tory has been tough but I looked back at some old photos & this one of Tory as Fifi Forget-Me-Not made me smile 🩵😊
#grief
#forever20
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Usually I am so tired from work I fall asleep easily but recently I just can’t sleep. While awake I think about the hardest parts of my grief journey & it’s absolutely adjusting to a world without my lovely daughter Tory in it. There’s no solution but I try my best 💙# grief
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Friday evening & I have survived a tough grief week. Little sleep but did all my lectures & work. My aim this weekend is to have some quiet reflection & try to regain some positivity. Not easy but I look at Tory’s smile & I know I have to try enjoy life for her
#grief
#childloss
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R is all moved into university. Lincoln looked lovely, her room is great & she’s making new friends already. Tory would be so proud of her, as am I. Will miss her hugely but if she’s happy then that’s the main thing for me. Happy to get a couple of good photos of us 😊❤️
#grief
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I spectacularly failed to do the ‘sadmin’ planned this weekend, like cancel Tory’s mobile, sort through her stuff etc. But does it matter? You have to be kind to yourself & I didn’t have the strength for that. Had a nice BarBQ with hubby & younger daughter 💙
#grief
#childloss
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Thinking of all bereaved parents as they navigate this Christmas. It brings about so many emotions. That’s why it’s so important to reach out for support when you need it. Today I spent a lovely few hours with
@4myJessBrady
& it was so good to talk about Tory & Jess 💙
#grief
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Tory loved Halloween & last year had been out shopping for her costume which she never got to wear as she tragically died that evening 3 days before Halloween. Here she is 2 years ago when they dressed up as pirates. Such fun & she was quite simply a stunning pirate 💙
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Grief can be such a lonely experience & one of the best things about this site is linking with other bereaved parents. Today it was lovely meeting Andrea
@4myJessBrady
. We lit a candle for Tory & Jess in the cathedral, had a lovely walk, lunch & talked about our girls 🩵
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Home now after a lovely weekend away in Copenhagen. Being away seems to help my grief. It gives me some peace. I loved flying home, being up in the clouds felt like I was nearer to Tory. Bit silly maybe but when your daughter dies you take any tiny crumb of comfort 🩵✈️
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I feel fortunate to have had so many happy times with Tory. It can make the sense of loss overwhelming but it was so lovely to see her enthusiasm for everything. This was 6 years ago on a fab trip to Rome when she was 15. So sad there will be no more trips 💙
#grief
#childloss
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I’m up seeing my lovely Mum for the night before taking my younger daughter to another uni open day. This is my fav photo of Mum & Tory taken as we came out of lockdown in 2020 & we were congratulating Tory on her exam results. Looking forward to tomorrow 💜
#grief
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4 years ago Tory & I had some fab trips to uni open days 💜Next week, my younger daughter & I are going to an open day. Tory would be so excited for her sister & a little jealous of us going on a trip without her. So sad to think all trips will be without Tory now 💔
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