[on my way out of the barber shop] Me: "Alright man, thanks for the impeccable head!" Barber: "Stop saying that!"

Referring to my 9-months-pregnant wife's belly as the "circle of life."

imo there are two good places to get sunglasses, and these are, in descending order: -found on the ground -job fair, or other such swag booths

https://t.co/P0pelIjUrJ

What on earth do they do to make the noodles so hot at Wok Box, Thai Express, etc. Never in my life have I prepared food that was still so scalding 18 minutes later.

"Wearing sunscreen is the worst way for your skin to feel - except for not wearing suncreen." -Winston Churchill

What fool named it a 'double IPA' instead of a Dualipa

very normal world where Las Vegas means 'The Meadows' and Nevada means 'Snow-Covered.'

https://t.co/k26PX14qfi

So wait, Sam Gamgee's dad was the head electrician on the movie set? How is that not a continuity error?

Ask not what your president can do to bring down the price of gas. Ask what your mayor can do to make it possible to get around without a car.

I hate all the AI prompt posts, they’re never funny, please stop

To great uncertainty and controversy, in 2007, Ljubljana closed 12 hectares of its city center to private cars. Just 40% of residents approved. A decade later, no less than 97% were against reopening to motor traffic: “None of us can really imagine cars ever staging a comeback”.

Hey remember that time the Dutch transformed their transportation systems to get people out of private automobiles so that kids would stop dying & the environment could be preserved, but gave up as soon as they realized this would require that some drivers would be inconvenienced

Being 31 and having matured a lot over a decade of adulthood is cool but there's a small part of my brain that still trips up occasionally and goes like "who even goes to high school anymore. it's not 2007 bro, grow up."

There are two types of people in the world. If you hoard a random assortment of coins until it's about 4L/1gal, you estimate it will probably be enough to buy you:

Dear candybar chocolate makers, Please make a real dark chocolate. None of this wimpy 55%-60% half-assed baloney. That is still candy and what I asked for was dark chocolate; I mean 80%+. If you're going to do it, do it, you cowards. Sincerely, Online Nutzo

I would love to be at a Blue Jays game walking to my seat with a plate of nachos and beer and get drilled by a foul ball that spills the fake cheese all over myself so that I can see myself on tik tok whenever the algorithm senses I want to see someone else with no dignity.

1) The only reason the ECF MVP award shouldn't be the LeBron James Trophy is he's currently an active player 2) This award came before creating an Offensive Player of the Year award. Embarassing. 3) Both ECF trophies are named for legendary Celtics and guess who wins em first lol

Buy this board & get a very middling crib hand like the pros

https://t.co/QxuvssIjUy