Carmen Christopher
@CarmChristopher
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10,582
Following
1,017
Media
592
Statuses
3,873
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Pinned Tweet
May 20th - Street Special! My first comedy special is streaming on NBC’s Peacock 🥳
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I WENT ON THE SEX AND THE CITY BUS TOUR AND IT WAS LIT!!!!!
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im the guy at Spotify who counts how many times you listen to each song
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People on the train in New York are so frickin rude!!! 😡😡😡😡😡😡
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Damn, I got kicked out of Home Depot for wearing too many masks.
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2 followers away from 1.1 billion. My life’s a movie.
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The Sex And The City Bus Tour is SAvage!!!! - PART 2
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🔪I’m Killing It 🔪 New short film 🔪
Watch, enjoy, and tell your friend. 🙂
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First thing I ask on a date is which Sex and the City character r u? If they say Carrie then I bounce the fuck out because I dont want to hear no typing on no damn keyboard when Im tryna go to sleep! All tired and shit then I gotta wake up to some damn typing! Nah. Fuck that shit
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Why is Charlie Brown so fucking sad!? He’s got a dog and his own fucking TV Show!
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Shit. Got high and made all my groceries again
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Feel like if I would have dropped out of school I would have turned into the guy on the right. Staying in school helped me turn into the guy on the left.
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Everything about Fyre Festival has already been said. So can we please stop dwelling on the past and start figuring out how to make Fyre Festival 2 the most epic weekend of our lives!?
#FyreFestival
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I really don’t want to spend a whole day on my phone again but I know this is god plan so I must.
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I MADE A HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT ON THE NY SUBWAY LAST NIGHT! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
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A24 or Marvel- what do you think is better? Twitter sound off!
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I like NY cause you could dress cool like Clockwork Orange - I like LA cause you could dress like Shaggy from Scooby Doo - I like Chicago cause you can wear a Bears jersey to a funeral
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Carmen Christopher: Street Special is now streaming on NBC’s
@peacockTV
. I do stand up on the streets for New Yorkers who did not ask me to do that. ❤️🌃
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IF YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!! Ghostbusters is supposed to happen TONIGHT!
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PIT THEATER MEMORIES
In 2007 Me, Lin Manuel, & Childish Gambino did a 3 man improv show that lit the fuckin house up. Obviously our careers went different ways but I believe if we continued to do three-prov we would have been the best team ever.
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I would beat Kramer's ass if he popped in my apt. eating all my snacks.
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Single Dad 👨👦👦New Short Film 👨👦👦
Please watch, enjoy, & tell your dad
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Sway won’t stop texting me asking to go dinner.
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Watched Eyes Wide Shut with some Insta Thots. My life’s lit. Had a couple of slices of Mac and cheese pizza before bed. Savage. Woke up and realized I’m actually living in my nephews basement and it was all a dream. Mulholland Drive.
This shit is too deep and real for a lot of u
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FUCK IT, I’LL SAY IT!!! I’m scared of death!!!!!
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As someone who has sex with their teacher in the 7th grade… May December hit way toooo close to home for me!!! Well done
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Hey guys this is a real post. So My friends mom is a doctor and she let us do trials for the vaccine. I’m not sure if it works yet but the side effects are real so be careful. Me and my friend grew five foot dongs. Lol.
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got to pop off a little bit on the GOAT Dave Letterman for the Emmys.
@WhitConway
directed this piece & he’s the best - 🌴💚
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I’m telling y’all! I been making the dankest shit this quarantine.
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If I get sick it’s my own fault but I gotta have my olives from the olive bar. Thank you to my local grocery store for keeping this open.
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Got breakfast this morning with my tinder date and her parents. She got an angry text from her father this afternoon saying that he counted me calling her “baby girl” 36 times.
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Is there anything sexier than a grown man visiting ancient ruins and using it as an opportunity to make tik toks?
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Damn my life sucks. I’m bad at basketball. My crush acts like I don’t exist. And above all else, I don’t have a fake ID to buy beer. Shit. I wish I could just turn into a wolf. A teen wolf.
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Shit. 🤦🏻♂️They are remaking Parasite in English with McLovin as the lead. Apparently he’s going full on Klumps and playing the whole family. This country ruins everything. 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
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Wifey and I got kicked outta Whole Foods cause we weren’t wearing masks while looking for a third.
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Here is my Submission to Ghostwrite for Drake!!!
🎤👇🏽link to full video below👇🏽🎤
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This dude stole my tweet. Please do no book him on future shows. If you actually scroll through his feed he’s been stealing my tweets for years.
As human beings, all 7 billion of us are born the same way and die the same way. Physically, mentally and emotionally we are the same. We all want to live a happy life and avoid problems, but in a materialistic culture we overlook the importance of love and affection.
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I’m gonna be real for a second. I do not want coronavirus.
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If someone don’t text me back I’m like waitttttt, “do they hate me?” Meanwhile I don’t be texting anyone back. Lol lol lol. 😂😂😂😂😂😂
🎼Life is a highway, I wanna ride it all night long! If you’re going my way, I wanna drive it all night long!🎼
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🎭🎭🎭New Class added to the curriculum. Sign up ASAP before registration ends!!!! 🎭🎭🎭
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Got kicked out of Starbuck for begging people to follow me on IG
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Just smoked a bowl with Finn Wolfhard.
He’s was cool actually.
He dabbed me up which was awesome.
People make fun of me for hanging with younger guys but I don’t give a fuck.
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If I was a teacher - No bathroom breaks. We are here to learn, not pee and shit.
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Remember when stainless steel appliances came out and all of our parents lost their fucking shit?
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Starting a grassroots movement to get
@robdyrdek
to allow me to do stand up on MTVs
@Ridiculousness
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I’ve never read the bible cause I’m afraid I’ll get wayyyy to into that shit.
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i’m a good guy. went to the doctor and ate this thing out
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18, financially stable, 2 wives (my twin sisters). What have you done 😎
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Comedy Line Ups in the 80s
vs.
Comedy Line Ups Now
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Riding a scooter around town blasting WAP while drinking a sugar free Red Bull out of a plastic straw. Stopping to ask people directions to the MET & driving off while they respond. At red lights checking the air pressure on my tires and asking passing cars if I should move to LA
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The Curse premieres tonight!
honored I got to staff write along side some goats.
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I’m the Midsommar guy who didn’t get caught up with all the drama. I just hung in the woods and came out for dinner and the suicides.
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Yo!!! My mom just matched with Judd Apatow on RAYA!!!
How did that happen?!?! I feel like both of them are married.
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What a wonderful day to shoot a sketch comedy video in New York City.
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Spent $75 on groceries so that I could live one extra week.
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When I took improv classes at iO Theater in Chicago my instructor,
@megstalter
sat me down and said, “This is not for you. You need to move to NY and enter the front facing camera genre.”
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“If you go home with someone and they don’t have books don’t fuck em!”
Ok. But what if they have a 75 inch plasma tv fully equipped with surround sound, a VR set & their fridge is fully loaded with White Claws? And they got mad bibles lying around.
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don’t give up, if you knock on enough doors, one will finally open. My screenplay about The Weekend’s Super Bowl halftime performance last year just got green lit by BBC America
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Cheated on my wife because she doesn’t like Eastbound and Down.
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I don't think Sunday is a day to calm down and rest. I think it's a day to get ahead of schedule for the week ahead. Do the tasks you don't want to do on Monday, on Sunday, so that once the new week starts you can focus on maximizing profits.
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It sucks because I was just about to get my law degree and become partner at my dads firm.
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Thx u
@vulture
! But anyone who knows me knows I just want to climb. This comedy shit is fun but it's not for me. Climbing rocks with no ropes is what I do. Dangling from the air with no support. Just me & the rock. And if I fall... well, that's my dads fault for not being there.
.
@CarmChristopher
is the kind of performer who gives his audiences something they had no idea they wanted until they get it
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If I was in Euphoria I’d be thrown in jail for spanking the shit out of these punks.
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Bout to start my day off with a fire ass mound of cream cheese!!! 🔥🔥bout to get this money. Happy Friday everyone. Hope u have a good weekend. While yall r partying I’ll be fucking shit up on the phones - doing sales calls. Makin shit happpen. Dont need a weekend I love my job
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How do you really go viral if you don’t really know who you are... as a person? I dunno... sometimes I feel like I’m too deep for Twitter. Wish they had an app for intellectuals like me and my scientist friends.
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Man fuck Halloween!! Got curb stomped by a bunch of Ted Lassos.
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