Funny Tweets
@CaptionFunny
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Funny Tweets, Quotes, Everything funny, :D
Joined January 2015
There's a special place in Hell reserved for people who use hashtags on Facebook.
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Be careful who you call your damn friends. I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
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I hope Snooki doesn't have any problems delivering her baby. She'd hate to hear the doctor say "We've got a little situation here..."
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My wife left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
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Dammit, this spermicide didn't work at all. My kids are still here and now they won't stop whining about their eyes burning.
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To do list: 1. Dig a hole. 2. Name hole love. 3. Watch people fall in love.
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Less love, more sex, no calls, just texts, new boo, no ex, more sleep, no stress.
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"Are you jealous?" - "Nope" - "Are you jealous?" - "I said NO!" - "Okay, give me a kiss?" - "Go ask your 'friend' for a kiss"
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If you tickle my feet, I am not responsible for what happens to your face.
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My wife does bird imitations. She always watches me like hawk.
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You should always be yourself. Unless you discover you're an asshole, son.
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I'd participate in more blind taste tests if they didn't always scream & hit me with their canes while I'm licking them.
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"Would you like a bag?" "No thanks, I thought I would carry these 14 items on my head..."
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I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.
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When a girl is silent, she's either over-thinking, tired of waiting, falling apart, crying inside, or all of the above.
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A computer science student cleaned his hands with a soap after removing a virus from his computer.
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"Twitter is stupid!" *one month later* "DUDE, I can't stop tweeting!" Who remembers saying this??
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