Callum Lyon
@CallumLyon
Followers
11,155
Following
975
Media
1,031
Statuses
9,429
I make people laugh and talk about mental health #itsokaytotalk
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Joined March 2012
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Pinned Tweet
"When I was your age I owned my own house"
Shut the fuck up Pauline they cost about 6 grand back then you fucking fossil.
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Your Hermes driver has successfully volleyed your parcel into a bush 3 miles away.
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*Your Hermes driver has successfully thrown your order into a bush 3 miles from your house*
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My girlfriend wants to see Jeremy Kyle live for Valentine's Day but I couldn't get tickets so I got her sister pregnant. We're on next Wednesday.
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Ant McPartlin won't be presenting I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here with Dec this year. That means only one thing, Phillip Schofield, your time has come.
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Why are Netflix doing an 8 part documentary on Madeline McCann when Jeremy Kyle could solve it in one episode with a lie detector test?
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So jelous of Jack in Titanic when Rose lets go of him and he fucking dies.
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Mad that some lads bought their girlfriends £300 watches and bags but bought their Mam a box of chocolates and a scented candle.
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Hope the clocks go back to 1665 tonight so I can catch the Plague and fucking die.
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McDonalds need to pull their fingers out and make a Kinder Bueno McFlurry.
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Cadbury aren't messing about with their Easter eggs this year 😂😩
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If Post Malone doesn't change his Twitter name to Ghost Malone for Halloween then what's the point?
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Hate them cunts who speed up when you're crossing the road to scare you. Run me over fam, see if I don't ring injury lawyers 4 u
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So jealous of Lennie in of mice and men when George shoots him in the fucking head.
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Yeah sex is good but have you ever been on the dancefloor with all your mates when Mr Brightside comes on?
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Fuck me, Kleenex have changed the name of their man sized tissues because some femenists were "offended" Fuck me what's next? Father Christmas being renamed Non Binary Gender Fluid Christmas?
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Hate when you think you've found an empty carpark space but you go to pull in and there's a fiat 500 playing hide and seek.
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I hope the clocks go back 10 years so I can sort my life out.
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My bird wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday, so I got her sister pregnant. We're on next Tuesday
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Petition for Madeleine McCann's parents to go on Jeremy Kyle to do a lie detector test.
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Being British is apologising for not smoking when somebody asks you for a lighter.
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Friday the 13th is just a normal day for me considering everyday is a fucking disaster.
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So jealous of Jack in Titanic when Rose lets go of him and he fucking dies.
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Remember girls you might have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince but you're not meant to shag the whole fucking pond 🐸🐸🐸
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I hope the clocks go back to 1912 so I can go on a nice relaxing cruise on the fucking titanic.
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So Jealous of Lennie in of mice and men when George shoots him in the fucking head and he dies.
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How the fuck is it March a week on Thursday. January lasted longer than the DFS sale and February has gone quicker than a fuck boys wage when there's a sale on at JD.
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Welcome to the UK where you can have a heatwave, rain, hail, thunder and lightning all while waiting for a bus.
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This heatwave in the UK is no fucking joke, just came home to fucking Ant and Dec stood in my bedroom saying I've gotta do a bushtucker trial and eat all the insects that have flew into my gaff just to go to bed.
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April fools Day is just a normal day for me considering my whole lifes a joke.
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Friday the 13th is just a normal day for me considering everyday is a fucking disaster mate.
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Hate them cunts who speed up when you're crossing the road to scare you. Run me over fam, see if I don't ring injury lawyers 4 u
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Why are the police applying for more funding for the Madeline McCann case? save the money and just get her parents on Jeremy Kyle for a lie detector.
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So jealous of the pudding at Christmas when it gets set on fucking fire.
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Getting to that point on a Sunday where you consider having a relaxing candle lit bath in fucking petrol.
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"2016 has been the worst year ever"
Pretty sure 1665 was worse when everyone caught fucking plague and died.
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"Channing Tatum is single, he's gunna be mine 😍"
Really Lucy? I don't think he goes for girls who failed NVQ level 1 hair and beauty with 2 kids to different Dad's and a council house in Leeds.
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Are you even British if you don't shout "WHEEEEEYYYYYYYY!" when you hear a glass smash in the pub?
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Taking this girl off snapchat on a date but she uses the dog filter that much I don't know whether to get her a Nando's or a tin of pedigree
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"Your generation has it easy"
Fuck off Margret, easy? You're the generation that had it easy you fucking dinosaur, houses for 7k, walk into any job, cheap car insurance, everything cost fuck all back then.
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It's mental that at Christmas lads will spend £300 on a girl they've known a few month and only spend about £20 on their Mum.
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Madeleine McCann must be the youngest person to ever pay their parents mortgage off.
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Shouting "Wheeeeeyyyyyy!" when you hear a glass break in a pub is a British tradition.
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"Why am I single? 😩"
Probably because you're off your face every weekend on drugs with your jaw swinging faster than Tiger Woods 9 iron.
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"Happy Steak and Blowjob day, I like mine well done, both of them 😉"
Shut the fuck up Stephen, we all know the only thing you're having is a pot noodle and a wank.
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Liam Gallagher looks like he's just put his coat on to nip to shop for some tinnies and done a quick gig on way.
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Did Matt LeBlanc get sacked from Top Gear because he was always getting stuck in second gear?
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People who drink sparkling water need putting in a mental hospital because they're not right in the head.
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How the fuck is it July already? Time flies when your life is going to shit.
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Saving money spelt backwards is yenom gnivas which makes no sense that's why I don't do it.
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People who buy sparkling water probably buy red top milk too the fucking weirdo's.
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I've been to the year 3000 and the UK are still asking the EU for an extension on Brexit.
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Heinz need to pull their fingers out and make full tins of the sausages you get in the beans and sausages.
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Date a girl who says things like
• Text me when you're home safe
• I can't wait to see you
• I've still got 2 gram left
• I'm proud of you
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Lads on Jeremy Kyle will have 3 birds fighting over them...
I'm sat here with a full set of teeth & a job and I can't even get a text back
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First Snapchat gets ruined with the new update and now Team Snapchat haven't even sent me a happy valentine's Day video. Fuck this, I'm deleting the App.
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People need to realise "The Sesh" isn't a few pints of Dark Fruits. It's still been off your face on MDMA at 6am having a convo with a lamp.
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Proper jealous of everyone who was on the Titanic when it fucking sank.
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Anyone else looking at people's Christmas trees on social media and thinking thank fuck I don't live with them and their shit tree?
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The main problem with our generation is we're all sesh heads and in debt.
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"Why aren't I at Leeds fest? 😩"
Probably because you didn't buy a ticket you fucking melt.
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They should put prizes in girls tampon boxes to stop them being as moody. Your period is shit but here's 40% off some new shoes hun.
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Are you even British if you don't shout "WHEEEEEYYYYYYYY!" when you hear a glass smash in the pub?
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"When I was your age I had my mortgage fully paid"
Shut the fuck up Margret a house deposit today costs more than you paid for your house back in the stone age you fucking reptile.
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When you're that skint you consider diving head first down the fucking stairs and sending it into You've been framed for £250.
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Getting to that point in a Sunday where you wish you was allergic to nuts so you could eat a few snickers and fucking die.
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Why do girls fake tan that much they look orange? I want a girlfriend not 1 of my 5 a day.
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How the fuck is it nearly August already? I'll be opening my Lynx Africa and having my Christmas dinner next week at this rate.
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I've been to the year 3000 and the Ice cream machine is still broken at McDonalds.
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Just gone out for food with my mate and he ordered a soda water, told him I was off to the toilet and went home. Fucking weirdo.
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"2017 has been the worst year ever"
I'm pretty sure 1665 was worse when everyone got the plague and fucking died.
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