Quote of the Day “Some poor, phoneless fool is probably sitting next to a waterfall somewhere totally unaware of how angry and scared he’s supposed to be ” - Duncan Trussell

I think it’s time for a Twitter break. Have a good one.

Oh, you thought it was Christmastime before the Thanksgiving turkey is even thawed? Roger that. Well, guess what. It’s now permanent Marine Corps birthday/mess night. Good job.

Outside By your doorstep In a worn-out Suit and tie I'll wait For you to come down Where you'll find me Where we'll shine

The goodest boy has his own hiking rucksack He's definitely one of us now 😍😍

If you ever spend a single minute on the phone listening to Ghost banter with his wife, you’ll know the love is real. Send ‘em up. Keep us updated, homie.

Do you remember those kazoos I mentioned earlier? Well, I also scored a harmonica that is currently zip-tied to the frame of my buddy’s truck.

This has been the scariest day of my life. If you believe in the power of prayer, my wife could really use your help. I can't do this alone.

“How hard can it be?” - Apparently the woman being glared at by her husband as I tell him how much it will cost to fix her DIY project

Two ways to deal with a foul mood: 1. Lean into it and make everyone else miserable. 2. Buy kazoos at a gas station and take turns hitting each other on the shin with an old shovel handle, then die laughing at the sounds you hear.

I’ve already said that I’m in a foul mood and this shitbird decided to push my buttons anyway. He should change my name in his phone to Milton Bradley, because we are about to play some fucking games.

I like how software updates improve my phone’s performance by making it worse.

Anyone ever heard menopause referred to as cougar puberty? I’m dying.

Christmas decorations that make life more annoying should be banned. That jingly Santa you hung on the bathroom door handle that prevented it from closing and kept falling off? It’s now a dog toy. Fido is catching the heat for your nonsense. You should’ve waited until the 28th.

These YouTube ads need to calm down.

I wonder if medieval dudes started shredding tasty riffs on an air hurdy-gurdy whenever a minstrel dropped a banger while busking in the village square. Seems like timeless dude behavior.

I am now 57% ribeye by volume.

Smart houses are stupid. I shouldn’t have to ask Alexa to turn on the bidet so I can get a drink of water.

GM. There is frost on my truck. I was hatched from a coconut. Bring me the head of the person responsible for this horror.

I’m howling.

If you stare at this picture of a pile of beer cans long enough you’ll see a nice fire.