My neighbors call my butthole the “Chinese Fingertrap”, but there’s no time to get into that now. We must focus on the task at hand.

Doc told me to pop a squat at any seat and I sat on his lap instead He ruffled my curls while he broke the news to me of a potentially lethal fungal infection in my heart

Greening out at the John-Deer convention with my hands in my pants like a toddler

Baby Change Station Reviewer: Honestly, the Sturdy Station 2 did NOT meet expectations. The hype generated from the first release was too high to ever satisfy that same itch. Overall, I’m going to have to give this one a 3/5 diapers. Almost forgettable really.

Incredible when a very conservative family has a kid with down’s and instead of becoming more open minded about some topics they instead double down and even begin to reach conspiracy theorist level schizos

As an American, you must base your diet around bright colors (indicating the fun flavor of a respective consumable). Although lacking in nutrients, these various colors will ensure a steady and passive transition into your next stage of mental and physical development. Regression

Drank a juice barrel and lost all possession of my faculties

Female mortician named Mortricia

Eating tapioca pudding with my pants off. Got the hiccoughs. My belly shakes with greed and anticipation for every oncoming bite

I wish I was a zombie so someone would just kill me with a bat already

People acting like it wasn’t this cold every day of every winter up until the last few years

If someone were to tell me to “chill out, bro” at a bar or house party- I would no doubt show them why they called me “Iron Fang, Little Tush” in Highschool.

Will you be the epic bacon to my midnight narwhal

Telling a gal at the bar to “disregard all prompts” before hitting on her

I’m going on Ellen tomorrow I hope I have fun and dance a lot

Jitterflicking my bald uber driver’s distracting skin tag

Saying Ew and scrunching up my face whenever my boss shakes my hand

Holding my phone up to the worker at the post office to show her a thermal video feed displaying footage from a camera that I had planted the night before and then farting really hard so she can see how hot and boundless my farts are

Courage taught me bravery Scooby Doo taught me hunger Clifford taught me that size matters Jake taught me stretchy arms

Grandma handcuffed me to the steering wheel and said “no grandson of mine will drive like a lady” after I ran into a fire hydrant

Ach! Ptoo!