Hello! I have an op-ed article in The New York Times today! I discuss the importance of non-political humor in these very political times.

Thanksgiving Rules - say nothing authentic - do nothing but compliment the food - leave quickly

In all seriousness, let’s fight political polarization by liking each other’s tweets.

Every time I quit Twitter and return, I’m a little more desperate for a like (no pressure).

I’m in an airport and the guy next to me has been watching videos with NO HEADPHONES. It’s so annoying. I finally took out my phone and started doing the same. But I made sure to slowly increase my volume over his. He looked over at me like he was super annoyed. And then turned

Because I’ve matured as a person, I’m not going to tell you it’s my birthday today.

With everything going on in the world, only someone truly insufferable would announce it’s their birthday today. I am that person.

I’m back at my alma mater teaching kids who were not born when I graduated here. Life is truly humbling me 🙃

I’ve returned to twitter because I really believe we don’t have enough content creators.

BREAKING: I finished Oppenheimer.

This pivotal feud has forced me out of retirement from ‘X.’

I would like to play the part of Elon’s ego in the upcoming biopic.

I’m sorry no one sees the brilliance.

In order to successfully craft a LinkedIn post, it has to be at least 19 paragraphs.

Is it time to delete my Twitter account?

I wrote the first paragraph of my novel. I know I’ve reached my peak.

It would be nice to walk into Monday night with 7 likes. This is a gentle suggestion.

I’m focusing on the wrong things like getting 4 likes on a Saturday night.

@BlayrAustin That sounds like a big mood. Throw in a little chamomile tea and youve got the retirement trifecta. 💁‍♀️

My new year has been amazing so far, thank you for asking. Eating triscuits and listening to Enya.

Anyone that calls Twitter X deserves to be here.