Bill Haders' Left Eye
@BilHaderLeftEye
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Seeing the world two and a half dimensionally since 1978
Ocular, New Jersey
Joined May 2018
What did the right eye say to the left eye?.~between you an me, something smells.
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Cause of Death:. "Patient laid down the boogie and played that funky music til he died.".
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In a world where you can be absolutely anything you want…choose to be kind.
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Sometimes you might feel like no one's there for you, but you know who's always there for you?. Laundry. Laundry will always be there for you.
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I like my donuts so fat, their holes are closed.
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I hate it when I can't remember my password & I don't know the answer to my secret question. It's like…it’s like I don't even know me 🤷🏻♂️.
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What my girlfriend thought, first four dates:.1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow, A second nice shirt!.3. OK, first shirt again. 4. …he has two shirts.
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Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. …It’s called wedding cake.
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Well, it’s like my mom has always said about us….”WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU KIDS?”.
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Child: “Mom…did you want me to be a boy or a girl?”. Mother: “…I wanted a back rub”.
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Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
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I asked my blind date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up…that's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
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Baby, you had me at .”We'll make it look like .an accident.".
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Did you know Mortal Kombat was actually based on an old Scandinavian folk song?. A Finnish Hymn.
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I checked into a hotel, asked for a wake up call…the phone rang in the morning “you make $28,000/yr and haven’t had a decent date in months!”.
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Me: This show is.boring…. Boss: Again, this is a.Zoom conference.
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They say, a joke becomes a dad joke when it becomes. apparent.
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If someone is hotter than you, just remember, that makes you cooler than them baby. 😎.
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People’s minds nowadays are like someone emptied the kitchen junk drawer onto a trampoline.
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