"I now pronounce you married, you may now take one for the 'gram."

People should introduce the readings at weddings with, "...and now, a word from our sponsor."

Andrew here. I'm hopping off social media for the foreseeable future. This page will remain up as a monument to my stupidity. If you will miss my hijinks, sign up for the newsletter. Thx. https://t.co/eJ3WR8gxjX

Was just thinking about pet sounds while I heated up some soup

Idea: A whole new industry called "quick casinos" where you just hand us $300 right when you walk through the door, we kick you in the shins really hard and give you a free, watered down drink. Now you have the rest of the night to do something productive

Gonna spend this summer getting really ripped, frost my tips, get a bunch of problematic tribal tattoos and play every show with my shirt off but not change our style of music at all

Wanna open a burrito place where the only option is how many you want -- no customizing. And the ingredients will vary slightly every day. Is there spinach in them today? Cauliflower? Come find out. But they'll always be oppressively spicy. I call it "fuck you burritos."

Tf the first morning you switch from bagels to fruit smoothies because you're one with the planet now

I grew up near a place called Hot Dog Johnny's and god help you if you went up to the window and ordered a hamburger

This tweet is brought to you by the end of Justice League and I'd like to add that, despite the hard time I was giving it, I enjoyrd the big, dumb movie for what it was

There are so many amazing leonard cohen songs and everyone wants to make you sit through their version of Hallelujah.

Die Hard walked so Speed could barrel down the freeway.

It'll be a collection Soul and DIY songs broken up by a mix of Loveline and Master Chef where I'm both the contestant and judge and I only cook burritos.

Wanna do a lunchtime radio show under the name DJ Tuneman (pronounced "Tune-min") called "Tuneman at noon, man" where I play songs and take calls while I eat a burrito.

"Sister Ray" should be like that Aristocrats joke in that every band should have to have their own version that variates every time they play it.

I can't explain it, but I have an ASMR response to Velvet Underground & Nico

Speed is better, and more important, than Citizen Kane.

I keep getting facebook friend suggestions for spouses of people I went to high school with and I'm just sitting here watching 90's movies with my cat.

This is Fmaj7/C erasure.

My kingdom for a Suck-Cut