Arthur Smith
@ArfurSmith
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Comedian, after dinner speaker and night mayor of all Balham. Book me? bri @narthur .co.uk
Balham, London
Joined March 2011
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Saw my mother today for the first time in 3 months. There was a fence between us and she no longer knows who I am but we sang ‘Daisy Daisy’ together and my heart broke. Thank you thank you to all the carers
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My mother gently rocks her head in the nursing home and I know somewhere in her mind she is still the grammar school girl from Camberwell Green, dancing, kissing sailors in Trafalgar Square. It is VE Day and the rest of the century is hers.
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My dear mother Hazel has died. “The first day after a death the new absence is always the same. We should be careful of each other we should be kind while there is still time.”
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I was earning £68 a year when I bought my flat in Balham for £143 million
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I was born in the 50s. We couldn’t afford clothes, ate only ants and lived in an igloo but we never complained
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Discovered these old lists of words you could/ couldn’t say on TV in the 80s. Like 3 rude poems
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My thanks to all you who sent warm condolences on the demise of my dear mother Hazel. I am choosing to imagine her reuniting with my dad Syd. She’ll have a glass of wine and he’ll go for a cup of tea
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RIP
#barrycryer
most beloved of all comedians, He knew more jokes than everyone else in the world put together and was endlessly empathetic. What a life what a man
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20 years ago tonight I was in the ICU in St George’s hospital close to death. But I’m still here. Thank you
#NHS
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Dear Jeremy, a profoundly witty and honourable man - so sorry he has left us RIP Jeremy Hardy
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A small bow to the word ‘unprecedented’ which has not had a moment off for over a month
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Me too
Family back plaque for Barry Cryer in Mornington Crescent station
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My mother died a year ago today. A clever working class woman who took us to plays, encouraged us to read and made us laugh
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Barry Cryer’s funeral today was a beautiful funny occasion and I was so excited to give Alan Bennett a packet of love hearts ♥️
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19 years ago today I was in the ICU at St George’s hospital fighting for my life. Thank you NHS
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Overheard on the 155 bus. ‘Is that old man behind us writing down what we’re saying?’
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My mother is 92 today and somewhere in her mind she is heading to the Streatham Locarno to dance the night away
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Just been chased down the street by a maniacal cardio-vascular surgeon brandishing a scalpel - a man after my own heart.
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Oh dear. I am locked in a cupboard in Balham Sainsbury’s car park. Please send me 45k so I can get out and continue my mayoral duties
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Thank you for all the birthday good wishes. The first birthday for years when I didn’t get a call from Baz Cryer. RIP that great man
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Overheard on the bus: “is that old bloke listening to us?”
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My dad would have been 100 years old today
PC Syd Smith (my father) trying to fend off a drunken lady looking for a kiss, Kennington 1951
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My mother would have been 93 today. This is our last photo together
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Fair play to the woman opposite me on this train who has just finished her 6th bag of crisps
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I am getting jabbed today at 2.20! To celebrate I am off on an imaginary trip to Paris. If you want to join me it will cost you an imaginary £200. Meet me at the cafe opposite the Gare du Nord at 5. Dress french
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@Arron_banks
I am a comedian. You want me to get you a 5 minute open spot in London? Let’s see how funny you are
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From the people of Balham to everyone everywhere* in the world - have a Cherry Mishmash xxx. *not Clapham
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I have just tested positive for being sick of this government. AGAIN!
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I wish I could see my mother again without a fence between us
My mother gently rocks her head in the nursing home and I know somewhere in her mind she is still the grammar school girl from Camberwell Green, dancing, kissing sailors in Trafalgar Square. It is VE Day and the rest of the century is hers.
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A long time ago i wrote a joke for a tv show. It was the gift that keeps on giving
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I had a school friend called Andrew who was a haemophiliac and died from an infected blood transfusion. He wanted to be a poet. Remembering him now 55 years later
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The woman across from me has in one minute said ‘like’ 17 times and ‘literally’ 4 times. Is this a record?
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My father (smoking the pipe) the day he got home after 2 and a half years as a Prisoner of War
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Aw …Sean Lock. Brilliant comedian. Best wishes to his family.
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Henceforth anyone in Balham seen buying the Sun will be deported
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Any rich Red Dwarf historians want to buy this letter off me?
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“If god had wanted us to believe in him he would have existed.” (Linda Smith)
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“If God had wanted us to believe in him, he would have existed.” (Linda Smith)
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My father (with the pipe) on the day he returned home after 2 and a half years as a POW
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I’ve written a book called ‘The good things about Brexit’. It has no pages and it’s yours for £45
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I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it ☹️
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Neil Innes was a unique talent and a beautiful man. Fly sweetly Neil
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When the news comes on the TV I find these days I can hardly hear it. Not because I am going deaf but because I am shouting “fuck off!”
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Dear Manchester, sorry for all the twats in London, yours, Balham
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On June 6th 1944 my dad was a POW, working as slave labour down in a copper mine in Eisleben, Saxony. I don't think they had a radio so I often wonder how long it was before he amd his mates heard the news about D Day
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Is this the saddest blue plaque in London? Platform 10 Clapham Junction
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On this day 1945 my dad Syd (with pipe) came home after two and a half years as a POW. They were happy he was back
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It’s my birthday tomorrow so I’m spending an imaginary 2 days in Paris. Want to join me? Meet under the Arc de Triomphe at noon
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Haven’t seen my mum for for 8 weeks now but my profound thanks to all the staff at Ronald Gibson for caring for her so well. Thank you
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Had to spend an hour this afternoon telling 2 female friends what ‘mansplaining’ means
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To my fellow comedians - I am organising a benefit gig for poor Boris Johnson. Please state your availability
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The results are in. Me ~ one vote. Other candidates - none. I remain the Mayor of all Balham
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Been chased down the street by a cardiac surgeon waving a scalpel. He is a man after my own heart
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My father Syd (with the pipe) on the day he got home after nearly 3 years as a POW
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Remembering when I taught English to foreign students and it started snowing. 3 of my students had never seen snow. They were so excited I abandoned the lesson and we went outside and threw snowballs laughing laughing laughing
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One thing I don’t like about modern football - you never get a dog on the pitch 😞
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Who remembers playing ‘British bulldog’ at school? What equivalent game is played now?
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To all the wankers on Clapham Common today - you are BARRED from entering Balham
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I note that some of the nurses on strike have got woolly scarves. If they can afford these they clearly don’t need a pay rise. Outrageous!
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From 4am (South London Time) no-one who lives in Clapham will be allowed into Balham
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Overheard on the night bus
"Is that old bloke listening to us?"
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“Let’s go over to the sport “. “There isn’t any.” “And now the weather.” “Who cares?” “Let’s just say the word ‘unprecedented’ again then.”
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Breaking news. The vote has been counted and I remain Mayor of Balham, MBEG! (Make Balham Even Greater)
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Exciting news. As mayor of Balham I have decided to buy the USA
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Inspired by Justin Bieber, I would like to challenge Alan Bennett to a fight outside Aldi in Balham
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Who else suffers from the condition CBA (can’t be arsed)?
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Aw Glenda Jackson. Many years ago when I was a dustman I used to empty her bins. She was always lovely to us binmen
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Arrived in St Petersburg though a bit disappointed by my hotel room
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I have learnt that Trump is trying to book in to the Balham Travelodge tomorrow. I will NOT permit this!
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Bit nervous. I’m backstage at Eurovision waiting to go on to represent Balham. Wish me luck 🍀
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Gosh how beautiful. I am not alone i suspect in having burst into tears as we clapped
#clapforNHS
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