Alex Blechman
@AlexBlechman
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Writer, game designer, copywriter x Staff Writer @TheOnion & @ClickHole Stuff for Jackbox Games, High On Life, Starship Troopers: TC, Saints Row, other places
Joined June 2014
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Pinned Tweet
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus
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H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu
Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy
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“You didn’t expect that prison to hold me, Charles”
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Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
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Imagine how much it would cost to hire LeBron James to write content for your website. Imagine miraculously getting him to do it for free. Imagine then driving him away from your website so you can fail to collect $96 from him annually
Welp guess my blue ✔️ will be gone soon cause if you know me I ain’t paying the 5. 🤷🏾♂️
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Be careful online today. This is the one day a year when people post false information on the internet
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Elden Ring is fun because after surviving a shattered dying world abandoned by grace it's nice to unwind by playing a video game
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Twitter Engineer: I resigned because they wanted me to work 80 hours making a bluecheck system that lets anyone pose as Burger King and say the Burger King demands droit du seigneur
Reply Guy: Good riddance slacker. I could do your job. I am pretty good at Microsoft Office
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Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game...
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
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Friend: You gotta read this manga, it’s amazing. It has been published continuously since 1985 in 162 books that will cost you $7000
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*John Wick enters a clock store*
Shopkeeper: Welcome, Mr. Wick
*He presses a button. Secret shelves flip to reveal the most obscene hentai*
Shopkeeper: Ah shit, wrong button
*he presses again, shelves flip to reveal a wall of guns*
John Wick: Flip it back
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Jackie Chan fought a bunch of bad guys in my house but he was careful to avoid breaking all my precious vases. I’m so relieved
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✅Famous explorer Italian-Americans can be proud of
✅ Travels world in search of spices
✅ Has never committed genocide
✅ Deserves statues of him in every city
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Zombie movies aren’t actually about zombies. They’re a metaphor for how it would be cool if everything at the mall was free
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It looks fun being one of those authors with hardcover books sold at airport bookshops. Your name is something like J.L. Marston, your book is titled Collateral Fear, and the cover illustration is a bloody knife with a kiss mark
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Friend: It’s all drawn by one guy
Me: Wow, that’s amazing!
Friend: Yeah, he is not happy
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Statistics are misleading. Most CW viewers are late teens/early 20s. The average age is skewed by one 10,000 year old man named Vardôs the Undying
The CW will shift its demographic focus to better reflect the age of their average viewer, 58 years old, following the network’s acquisition by Nexstar Media Group.
CFO Lee Ann Gliha says their goal is to make the network profitable by 2025.
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Me: The hierophant is alive? How? He got beheaded 20 volumes ago!
Friend: Yeah, fans have a lot of theories. That he’s resurrected, or an impostor, or a time traveler
Me: The other characters aren’t surprised to see him
Friend: It’s also possible the author forgot he died
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Friend: I think volume 163 is coming out soon. I watched an interview with the artist, he looks very tired from work, a broken man
Me: But his drawings are so cheerful
Friend: He was smoking two cigarettes at once
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Me: These panels are completely black
Friend: Yeah, that’s the storyline when the hero was trapped in a dark cave
Me: How many pages does it go on like this?
Friend: The cave arc lasted from 1989 to 1992
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Friend: If you see the anime, don’t watch the sub or dub, the sdub is the only good one
Me: Sdub?
Friend: The bootleg version that’s subtitles except for the English voice actors that did a good job
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Friend: They’re bringing the artist out of his medically induced coma…
Me: He’s in a coma? I’m glad he’s recovering
Friend: …so he can finish the next chapter by the deadline
Me: Oh no
Friend: Then they’re putting him back in the coma
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Me: Didn’t they make a TV show of that?
Friend: Yeah, season 1 of the anime covers volumes 1-37, the first 9000 pages, but they skip a few things
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Me: Why didn’t they translate this chapter?
Friend: That’s not kanji, that’s the druidic language the author invented
Me: Where can I find the translation?
Friend: Fans have been trying to decipher it for 30 years
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Me: These titles are confusing. What’s the difference between Resurgence, Revitalization, and Restoration?
Friend: Oh, that’s the same film. The studio changed the title for release in different countries
Me: Rejuvenation too?
Friend: Oh. No, fans don’t talk about Rejuvenation
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Me: The talking cow is pretty funny
Friend: What the hell man
Me: What?
Friend: The artist’s wife was trampled to death by a cow. Moo-chan is his expression of grief, it’s not meant to be funny
Me: It’s a talking cow that tells jokes!
Friend: You’re messed up
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Me: This volume of the manga has no dialogue? All the characters are crying in a beautiful park. The hero and the villain are hugging
Friend: Yeah, the artist took the death of Princess Diana pretty hard
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Elden Ring is a puzzle game like Myst. In each boss fight you're supposed to find the one weird rock you can stand on where they can't reach you while you pelt them with spells
You can also win by "getting good at Elden Ring" but this strategy is considered cheap and tacky
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Me: There’s a live-action film?
Friend: The 90s adaptation isn’t that faithful. They got rid of all the magic and samurai, moved the setting to Los Angeles. The main character’s name was changed to Johnny Gasoline. There’s a lot, and I mean A LOT, of product placement for Pepsi
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Friend: I wrote up a watch order for the movies. First start with 1, then 1.1, 2.1, 2.22, 4, 3.2, 4.0, then 5
Me: They have decimals?
Friend: You can skip 5.1, it has some extra clips but nothing essential, and go straight to 5.3
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Me: Enjoying it so far! But I can’t find a copy of volume 3
Friend: Oh yeah, it’s out of print. Contractual issue from when the artist changed publishers
Me: Maybe I can buy it used
Friend: A ripped book with the cover missing is on ebay for $200
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If you're a video game fan, today is a pretty important date
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When Jackie Chan burst through my window chased by a crowd of mobsters, I thought my large and expensive vase collection was toast
But during their fight he went out of his way to protect my vases, even if it put him in more danger. It was really impressive to watch
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Me: What happened to the ninja? He was my favorite character but then just vanishes from the comic
Friend: Oh, they wrap up his story in the video game. Do you have a Neo Geo? I’ll lend you my cartridge
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Me: What’s the deal with that spinoff comic, the one drawn in the super-chibi style where all the characters are kids attending high school together? None of that’s canon right?
Friend: Oh, it is
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Life is bookended by the infinity of non-being and the eternity of death. In the middle is a narrow sliver of warmth and light, a finite moment in the vastness of time. Here is where we argue about which movies count as cinema
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Friend: Check it out! My rare foil card
Me: They turned the manga into a card game?
Friend: Yeah, it’s super popular. Insanely popular.
Me: Looks fun
Friend: There have been a lot of murders to steal cards. Stores had to hire armed guards
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Me: This splash page is gorgeous! The detail he puts into every flower…
Friend: Yeah, the artist drew that during a particularly dark period of his life
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Me: Marlon Brando is in this anime!
Friend: Yeah, he recorded voiceover before his death. They didn’t give him any lines though, he does the neighing for the horses
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Me: It took days but I almost finished playing the Neo Geo game. Can’t say I enjoyed it
Friend: Yeah, it’s pretty bad. But the story is great
Me: Can’t wait for the ending
Friend: You got the artifact right? From the secret cave in level 1? You can’t win if you didn’t get it
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I used AI to fill out the rest of the Mona Lisa's background
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When you board an airplane, to satisfy your curiosity everyone sitting in 1st class should tell you why they're rich as you walk past.
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The human body only uses 10% of its bones. What if we could unlock the full power of our skeleton?
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Imagine working at the Captured Angel Facility. Filling paperwork at your desk, ignoring the ever-present vibration from the halo. Grabbing a sandwich at the cafeteria, having lunch on a bench overlooking the Containment Pit. While eating, a giant golden eye turns to look at you
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To his further credit, Jackie Chan clearly did not choose this fight. While safeguarding my priceless vases he kept telling the mobsters that he didn't want any trouble. Sadly they ignored his call for peace
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I comprehend Lovecraft so easily, one time I even turned The Rats in the Walls into a video game
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At one point Jackie Chan kicked a gangster into a shelf of my vases, and all the vases began to wobble and fall off
It would have been understandable if he let them shatter, but instead he caught them all and continued fighting while precariously holding multiple vases
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Jackie Chan blinded a mobster by putting one of my vases on their head. I assumed that vase was doomed as the criminal flailed around punching wildly
But Jackie Chan carefully propped the goon up each time they tripped, and eventually removed the vase and tossed it on a pedestal
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@fullbright
A level I made would break down and trap the player whenever they stepped on a specific floor tile. Instead of figuring out the problem, I just put a lamp there to block it off. I did actually fix the problem later on, but by that point I was used to the lamp and kept it in.
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Man goes to doctor. Says he’s being pursued by sinister forces.
Doctor says “Treatment for paranoia is simple. Go see Pagliacci the clown, that will cheer you up.”
The man cries out “But doctor, I am Pagliacci!”
Doctor speaks into lapel mic. “I’ve found him.”
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Don’t fall for the “RESTAURANT SCAM.” In this common grift, the con artist will sit you down at a table and bring you plates of whatever food you ask for. It seems too good to be true... and it is! At the end of the meal they will whip out “the bill” and demand money. Be careful!
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If I was the richest man in the world and wanted to be known as the clown prince of comedy I’d copy the Medici family and become a lavish patron of the arts
I’d pick 100 up & coming comics and give them each $1 million to film a pilot. I’d do this every year
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Instead of investing in memes, people should earn money the traditional way: spending 100s of millions building a fiber-optic cable in a straight line between New York and Chicago to gain a competitive advantage executing high-frequency trades three milliseconds faster
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Imagine going back in time to 2019 and showing this NY Times headline to your past self with no other context
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Burger King ads took off because they were menacing and unsettling, a silent monarch invading your house. More brands could learn from this. Ritz Crackers could change their slogan to “Ritz is inevitable”, AutoZone commercials that are just close ups of a bloodshot eye
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In I tried to tell NPCs in the game that they weren't real and their world was a game. They took it pretty hard, and I started to feel bad about telling them. Then one of them turned the tables on me.
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Aladdin: You know, I never asked how you got imprisoned in the lamp
Genie: It’s an interesting story!
(musical number starts)
🎶 5 billion years ago Satan rebelled against heaven and incurred God’s wroth
And I was punished for leading hell’s armies as the demon prince Astaroth🎶
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Instead of calling them “muppet movies” we should consider them the default normal “movie” and describe all other films as “muppetless movies”
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The Wordle clones will all fail (after maybe extracting some money from misled players) because what people really enjoy isn’t just the game itself but everyone doing one small thing together every day
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Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
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Drop the “HBO.” Just “Max The One To Watch For HBO.” It’s cleaner
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Making the bluecheck meaningless is an impressive bonfire of brand equity. Twitter spent 13 years getting the world to recognize it as a symbol of notability and accuracy. Then they just torch it. It's like McDonalds replacing the golden arches with a sign that says "burger"
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Your life is perfect. You have the ideal level of fame: nobody recognizes you but you have a wikipedia page. Your books have encouraging blurbs on the back like “A high octane tightrope act that’ll leave you guessing until the last page” written by your acquaintance Stephen King
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Gamers disagree whether Princess Peach is human or a toadstool that grew human-shaped to seduce Mario into serving the Mushroom Kingdom. A third faction believes that Mario knows Peach is a fungus but is into that
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Typically when one fires the entire sales team you can expect fewer sales. That's one of the business secrets they teach in MBA programs
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Every time an article profiles a "self-made" 20-something who rules their own ninja clan of lethal assassins, it always turns out their dad is the shogun
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Insulin being expensive is nuts. Everyone else in the world is making and selling it for pennies. It’s like if table salt in the U.S. cost $275 a shaker and was marketed under the brand name Saltinex
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It was a test. The one child with the innocent imagination to enjoy this bleak warehouse was taken through a secret door to inherit a chocolate factory
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Your mystery thriller “Lethal Embezzlement” won the semi-prestigious Woodburg Medal for Crime Fiction. You feel happy when you see the statuette, a small glass owl, on the cabinet behind your desk
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Writing Tip: Many movies can't be set in modern times because cell phones would ruin the plot. Fortunately, there's a simple narrative technique to fix this I call the Microwave Trick. Just include a scene like this one at the beginning of your screenplay:
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I enter my house but something’s wrong. My Funkos. My Funkos are missing.
I run to the couch, where Martin Scorsese is sitting reading Cinema Magazine. “You son of a bitch, what did you do?!” I scream. “Where are they?”
Scorsese doesn’t look up. “Those toys? I threw them out.”
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People say “I wish magic was real” as if there wasn’t already a mystic craft that involves scribing spells in an arcane language to make a metal daemon powered by imprisoned lightning obey your commands and that job is called “computer programmer”
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Just seems nice. You’re at the airport waiting for a flight, grab lunch at Panera, then stop in BookZone to autograph some books on the shelf with a silver sharpie. The cashier asks what you’re doing and you say “I’m J.L. Marston” and they say “Okay”. It’s pleasant
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George is his legal name, “Goofy” is just a fun nickname Mickey and Donald gave him. It’s like if your friends called you “Dumbass”
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This week
@TheOnion
downsized a bunch of people, and one of them was me.
It’s sad to leave a place I love, especially so unexpectedly, but at the same time I’m pretty excited to do something new. I’ve been writing for The Onion since 2008 (FT since 2012). That’s a long time!
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The milk expired yesterday. You ask Harriet to sniff it, she says it smells fine. You pour it in your coffee and read a newspaper review of “Butterfly Autopsy”. The book is rated B+ and praised as “A gripping duel of wits between Detective Brixton and the ruthless Lepidopterist”
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You live in a small town in Michigan with your wife Nancy, and your children Patrick, Emily, and Harriet. Your house is worth $345,000 and overlooks a small pond. Sometimes ducks swim there. For fun, you collect vintage movie posters and grow edible mushrooms.
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I'm afraid twitter is going to become profitable. The agreement when we signed up was that twitter loses money. It's a mutually destructive relationship, we waste time posting jokes and twitter hosts them for no reason. Monetizing our pointless jokes wasn't the deal
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Once a year you attend a crime fiction convention called StabCon. You sign copies of your new book “The Burglar Manifesto” for fans and take part in a panel called “Double Jeopardy: Fact and Fiction”
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nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
wallace: moon's cheese
nasa employee: what?
wallace: *grabbing crackers and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's cheese
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It’s actually cool that AI is bad at hands. That’s a limitation like out of medieval myth. Changelings can take any form, but behold, their innumerable fingers mark them as Fair Folk
Midjourney is getting crazy powerful—none of these are real photos, and none of the people in them exist.
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Trying to guess the low seven figure Wordle sold for. I type “$1,634,250” into the NY Times website
$🟩,⬜⬜🟨, ⬜🟩🟨
The hit game Wordle has been purchased by the New York Times Company for a price "in the low seven figures," the company said.
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Wow, a deep cut! Hidden among all the characters in Space Jam you can even find this cartoon rabbit from the 1930s
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If you want to impress people at parties you can tell them you’re the creator of a beloved cartoon show that was removed from HBO Max. Nobody will be able to prove you wrong
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My restaurant doesn’t need chefs. I had my chefs cook me a big banquet and then I fired them all. The food’s still on the table, it’s totally fine. Looks like those slackers weren’t doing anything
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Your physical features are rather unremarkable, except for your left ring finger. Due to an old injury with a table saw, it no longer has a fingernail
It doesn’t bother you that your left ring finger has no nail, you’re J.L. Marston, author of “The Homicide Equation”
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Pointing at slot machines shouting “Vegas baby!” without putting money in
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When brands refer to the “Big Game” in commercials they are talking about the fan-built Discworld MUD that has 1,000,000+ rooms and has been running continuously since 1991
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