@rudy_mustang I keep him straight jacketed 24/7

I thought “FTW” stood for Fuck The What until I was like 22

Ba-Donkey Kong

Reminder to all employers: if your business is in a driving ban area or your employees are located in a driving ban area, it is illegal to make them come into work.

god gives his nuttiest battles to his butteriest soldiers

I wounded if anyone at the gym can tell I just ate an entire Lloyd’s burrito

Whose decision was it to name the hurricane Nicole

Be nice to Siri

Me; now a homeowner in the rural outskirts of suburbia

Anyone else used to iron the money they got for their birthdays or was is just me

135 of you liked my selfie but only 10 liked the video of my chickens what gives??

jelly, but make it peanut butter

Hey Siri…can you feed chickens sour patch kids?

you have the right not to fuck with people who repeatedly let you down lol it’s not complicated

Yeah Christopher Columbus was bad…. we get it.

My niece: Happy Birthday! Me: Ty. I’m old AF. My niece: Not as old as my mom

Blood, sweat, & no tears

Offshore wind turbines are turning the fish gay

She asks while tweeting from her car..

Anyone else absolutely HAVE to multitask while they’re driving or??

I used to be concerned when my parents slept in separate beds & now, as an adult in a relationship, I completely understand