Alan Felyk
@AlanFelyk
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Author of the Infinity's Trinity series—two science fiction/romance/humor novels on Amazon.
Lakewood, Colorado
Joined February 2011
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My first-ever science fiction short story is available on Amazon. Buy it for $0.99 or read it for free on Kindle Unlimited. As with all new material, I'm looking for reviews--your way of telling me and other potential readers thumbs up or thumbs down.
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Oldest woman in the world dies. Why does this keep happening?
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During this pandemic, I feel like I’m wearing a red shirt in Star Trek whenever I walk 100 feet to the mailbox.
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I hate people who recite Beatles' lyrics to me when I find myself in times of trouble.
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When people say “let’s just agree to disagree,” I always say no.
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Award is "bestowed on books that expertly deliver complex characters, intricate worlds, and thought provoking themes. The ease with which the story is told is a reflection of the author’s talent in exercising fluent, powerful, and appropriate language."
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If I retweet you, it means I think you’re funnier than me. And that I hate your guts for it.
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We used to call "swag" being "full of shit" in the old days.
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I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
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If it wasn’t for Twitter, I would still be grossly underestimating the number of assholes in the world.
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I’m at the age where looking in the refrigerator for my lost car keys can’t be ruled out.
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I like to favorite tweets that are at least 1 year old. I visualize you sitting at the screen, thinking when the hell did I say THAT?
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I'm looking for a woman who's a silver-digger. You know, somebody a little less ambitious.
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Twitter jail would be far scarier if you had to worry about extradition to Facebook.
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When people say to me “you’re better than that,” they obviously haven’t been paying attention to what I’ve been doing.
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If anybody gives you their password to unlock their phone, it’s because they’re preparing to frame you for a murder they’ve committed.
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We should all be issued one tranquilizer dart that can be used on one person each day.
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Human nature: Believing that you’ll win the lottery, but that you'll never contract the coronavirus.
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I’m proud that my initials have become a profane adverbial acronym on Twitter. Yes, proud AF.
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Soulmate: A woman at the gym who sits on an exercise bike without turning the pedals, looking at her phone for an hour.
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I long for the days when all I had to worry about was the impending doom that killer bees represented.
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Just curious, but what do the people who live in Timbuktu refer to as an extreme distance destination?
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Life was simpler when car trunks were big enough to accommodate most bodies.
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Inspired by the writings of
#KurtVonnegut
, a description of my latest work-in-progress
#amwriting
http://t.co/tgwnuQ6FAo
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Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
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My very FIRST Twitter follower unfollowed me. After more than 5 years. I guess she finally got around to reading one of my tweets.
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The best part of dying in your sleep would be not hearing the alarm clock in the morning.
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Somewhere some lucky bastard is getting the silent treatment instead of hearing about her day.
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I found Hotel California through TripAdvisor. Didn’t see anything about a checkout time, though.
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Whenever I call Uber, I worry that Matthew McConaughey will pull up in his Lincoln Navigator and start acting strange.
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According to researchers, about 70% of all apologies are insincere.
I’m very sorry to report that.
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I'm at the age that when I feel pain anywhere in my body, I think, “Welp, this is the end.”
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Did you know that you can buy 320 assorted bandages on Amazon and have them automatically reordered monthly? Holy crap. If you need that many every 30 days, maybe you need to quit playing with sharp objects.
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It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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If you retweet me, I just might retweet you back. Or, I just might show up on your doorstep with a suitcase. You don’t know.
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How many times can you drive in circles in a roundabout before the cops notice?
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Enough with Area 51. What the hell is being hidden in Areas 1 through 50?
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I never flirt with disaster. Instead, I bring her home for drinks and then ask her to move in with me.
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According to researchers, sarcasm can add three years to your lifespan.
Well, isn’t THAT special.
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My superpower is being able to shrug and walk away regardless of what has just happened.
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I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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Before you repeat the phrase, “as American as apple pie,” be aware that the first known apple pie recipe originated in England in the 1300s.
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Her: “Paper or plastic.”
Me: “Hug or tongue?”
*Me playing word association at the grocery store*
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Unlike most people, I hope the screen door DOES, in fact, hit you in the ass on your way out.
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Whoever invented the word “trapezoid” should have been given more linguistic responsibilities.
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If you’re a dreamer, make sure you’re dreaming about the future instead of the past.
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To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
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When people ask if I like country music, I always ask, “Which country?”
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I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I'll have two reasons why I can't fold them.
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I don't understand. It never took Dr. Leonard McCoy this long to create a vaccine. 55 minutes into the Star Trek episode, tops.
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My insurance agent sent me an email with the subject line “Tornadoes are coming. Ready?
Not wanting to be a pussy, I replied: “Bring it, bitch.”
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It’s illegal for a donkey to sleep in a bathtub in Arizona.
What jackass came up with that law?
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Researchers claim we care 40% less about other people than we did in the 1980s. I chalk that up to getting to know everybody better since then.
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Scientists claim that all subatomic particles in our bodies are as old as the universe itself.
To be honest, I think the ones in my knees might be quite a bit older than that.
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Doctor doesn’t know what this raspy throat is. I guess it’s a hoarse with no name.
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Today I found out that the average person walks the equivalent of three trips around the Earth in a lifetime.
*Cancels gym membership*
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“Now that’s some strange, fucked-up shit.”
—Something I never say anymore because I’ve been on Twitter for more than 7 years.
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Elon Musk says that a ticket to fly to Mars will cost about $500,000 in the future. No word on how much extra bags will cost. And whether they’ll serve peanuts.
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Ever notice how comfort food always hugs you around the stomach?
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For a government that seems to spend a lot of time “gathering intelligence,” it certainly doesn’t seem to show.
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Does the Illuminati recruit new members through Twitter direct messages?
Asking for a friend.
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Put a shirt in the dryer, it’s turned inside out. Put an inside-out shirt in the dryer, it stays inside out. Even Einstein didn’t know why.
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Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
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Whenever I was told to do something by the book, I always used Stephen King’s The Shining.
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My sole purpose on Twitter is to provide a TL from which you can retweet all my retweets as you skip mine. No, no. No need to thank me.
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NASA Headline: Opportunity has died on Mars.
Hmmm … just like opportunity on Earth.
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Before you get angry about something, ask yourself whether it will matter in five billion years when the sun becomes a red giant and vaporizes the Earth.
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I’m always uncomfortable when I’m in an area with no cell phone service. I’ve seen enough slasher movies to know how things can turn out.
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Gym Trainer: What do you spend most of your repetitions on?
Me: Usually the phrase, “Wow, this is harder than it looks.”
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I knew there would come a time when I would no longer be able to write anything funny. I just hadn’t realized it had been five years ago.
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I remember when Waldo was nothing more than a face in a crowd.
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CNN: Do not attempt to approach the erupting volcano.
Me: Quit interfering with Darwinism. Here’s our chance to thin the herd.
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From the why-are-we-not-surprised department: A dentist invented the electric chair.
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The older I get, the harder it is to pick up stuff off the floor.
I guess I need to practice what I reach.
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Researchers claim that the average individual lies more than 100 times a day.
I may be lying about that. You don’t know.
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Here’s something that Dr. Anthony Fauci won’t tell us:
The COVID-19 virus shrinks all clothes that aren’t worn during the pandemic.
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The reason I love vegans is that they help keep the price of meat down.
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In fairytales, the house lands on the witch. In real life, the witch gets the land and the house.
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“Are you ready to hook up?” —Question I would ask women if I were a tow truck driver
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So old that I can say “Been there, done that” to just about anything you tell me.
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Unfollow you? Ha! You deserve far worse. *Prepares to @ you with 100 inspirational tweets*
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Facebook: You have memories to look back on today.
Me: Unless you can change them, I’m not interested.
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Relationship status: I didn’t have to apologize to anybody today for doing something I had no idea I had done.
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Whenever I hear the term “artificial intelligence,” I visualize Congress.
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