My unemployed neighbor with an unlimited firework budget would like to wish everyone a happy 9th of July .

RT @AgreeableGreg: Found one of these at the pet store. The girl said "these are great, what dog do you have?". "I don't have a dog?" | re….

Found one of these at the pet store. The girl said "these are great, what dog do you have?". "I don't have a dog?" | replied.

i wanted to study psychology but i have more potential as a patient tbh.

Just sent my mortgage to Pam Bondi’s desk. Hopefully it disappears too. 😭😂.

"you're the villain in someone else's life" bro i'm the villain in my own life.

McDonald’s really expanding their menu 😳

I've circled areas that show this was made by Al.

It's July 5th and you know what that means. Happy Halloween.

Well, it's July and almost 100 degrees. Costco should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now. 🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.

After I say "that's crazy" twice please.WRAP up your story.

I have been alive all my life and have not once seen a Chinese food commercial.

When I was a kid, my dad told me the ice cream truck only played music when it was out of ice cream 🍦🎶.I believed it. well played, Dad. Well played. 😂👏.

Maturing in marriage is understanding that my wife already said sorry in her head and it's my fault I didn't hear it.

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him I'm married now, and that's where I sleep.

Bank Teller: your account is overdrawn.Me: so are ur eyebrows.

I wish I could tag my dog in dog memes and be like haha that's you bro.

I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers. what exactly is the plan if you find one? 😳😭😂.