Honestly, if pharmacies closed during a government shutdown, the outrage would end it in 48 hours. Nothing unites America like being out of Adderall and Ozempic at the same time. #GovernmentShutdown

I had such a blast in Vegas getting to perform for a great crowd of pharmacy folks!

Million Dollar Idea of the Day: An all male pharmacy-themed a cappella group. They could called themselves The Placebeaus. 🎤

I called my ex FML Forte because she was highly skilled at ruining lives. #pharmacydadjoke

Wild how the government might shut down Tuesday if they don’t pass a budget… but we’ve still got money to send 200 National Guard troops and Seal Team 6 to Portland to fight graffiti.

Bad Bunny has just been announced as the Superbowl 2026 halftime show performer. Do not, I repeat do not, like and share this post or ICE will show up at your house instead of Domino’s Pizza during the game.

https://t.co/TEWAgaXCH6

Big Pharma doesn’t want you to know…Taking Tylenol will lower your credit score. Taking Tylenol will increase the rate of inflation. Taking Tylenol causes premature ejaculation. What else?

I heard Trump say listening to A$AP Rocky while pregnant causes autism, or something like that. I wasn’t paying that close of attention. #Autism

I know there were a couple of black people at the Charlie Kirk memorial but the real question is, “Were there any Juggalos?”

The only name brand IUD available in Italy is marketed under Marinara. #pharmacydadjoke

Women who stand outside of Wendy’s and ask for ice cream are known as Frostytutes. #dadjoke?

I wish they would hire more help at Starbucks, so my one tech would show up to be short staffed on time.

I wouldn’t call myself anti hypertension, I am just pro pranolol. #pharmacydadjoke

Dropping the kids off at school today and one thing’s crystal clear: this is the most well-hydrated generation in history. What the hell? Every kid has an indestructible gallon-sized Yeti tumbler. We got ten seconds of penny-flavored water from a rusty fountain.

I’m excited to be performing in Vegas in a few weeks. What a great place to visit but damn, I could never live there. Being perpetually broke and drinking too much doesn’t sound fun, it sounds like being a pharmacy technician.

“Hacks” star Hannah Einbinder has won her first Emmy, for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy. She closed her speech with the first overtly political moment of the ceremony, saying “Go Birds, fuck ICE and free Palestine.” Well, I agree with two outta three.

What I learned today: Being a Giants fan is a lot like being a retail pharmacist. The last 15 minutes is always the worst.

If I see avocado on one more random menu item in California, I’m driving straight to Texas for a brisket sandwich. I might be a democrat but these taste buds are registered republican.

Million Dollar Idea of the Day: A plastic surgery center that also sells consumer electronics. They could call it Breast Buy.