Saraah
@Abrunettemess
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I live to write and I write to live. *nothing here is copied*
Joined August 2013
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I accept it all, I accept the waves of sadness that enter my life, and I accept the way they slowly leave, I accept the light that tries to enter after, I accept beginnings, I accept endings, I accept life the way it is with whatever it has to throw at me.
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I wish books were places like funfairs, you buy a ticket and walk through the mind of your favourite writer, you meet the character that relates to you the most, you time travel between moments and quotes and skies, you actually get to live the life in the pages you love most.
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“I love you” contains more acceptance than people tend to show, it means you accept everything about that person from his darkest dreams to his taste in music, and you love the details by time, but there isn’t an option to cross a habit out, you can’t choose what to love.
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I once read something about how the human brain doesn’t differentiate between physical and emotional pain, getting hit by a car can be equivalent to the death of a loved one for you, and still nobody will pay attention to that teen who feels unexplained pain in his chest.
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I hope you get to see flowers in every shade of colour there is, I hope you get to learn about cultures you never knew existed, I hope you never stop learning, I hope you never stop admiring the sound of the ocean, or be too busy to feel nature around you… I hope you live fully.
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You know that invisible barrier that sits between you and someone you love, and a conversation later, or a hug later, or a long day spent together later you feel it fading, you move closer to the person and realise this is the best thing that happened to you? I love that feeling.
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I can write paragraphs about how I feel, but I can’t bring myself to talk about it, for if I talk I may cry, and if I cry I’ll face the pain, and if I face the pain I’ll feel weak, and if I feel weak I’ll fall...and you see, some of us just aren’t allowed to fall,there’s no time.
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I think the strongest way in which you can disappoint yourself is by waiting, waiting for someone to come by, waiting for something to happen, waiting for that heart to get a little softer, or for this situation to go different than it did before… when you know it won’t.
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I love the idea of being in love, and I’m also terrified by it, I want to hold hands and stroll around the city, but the sight of our intertwined fingers reminds me of how painful it’d be to let go, I want flowers, secrets, bonds, but I also want to be safe, even if it’s boring.
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The truth is I don’t know where I see myself five years from now, to be honest I don’t know where I see myself tomorrow, I don’t have a plan, I let life take my hand and guide me along the way with my fingers crossed that I’ll find something beautiful as I walk.
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This is a gentle reminder that everything has to end to make room for new things to happen, whether you hate where you’re right now, or you absolutely love it, it won’t last, there’re things you’re yet to see, feelings you’re yet to feel… your story is far from over.
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All I wanted was a soft life, one where I get to meet kind people, and watch the sunset because it’s beautiful, not because I need alone time to overthink. One where I touch flowers, and feel the rain, and smell freedom. One where I don’t have to fight for my sanity… everyday.
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The thing about hurting people is that you’ll never know what exactly you broke inside them, you’ll never know what you destroyed or what you shook, you can only realise that you did them wrong, but how deep it went, how serious it got… that’s impossible to find out.
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At the end of the day, when your loved ones go to sleep, and all you have is your bed and a head filled with thoughts, I hope you don’t drown in them, I hope you don’t run after answers you don’t want to hear, I hope you are kind enough to yourself to protect it from the night.
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If you don’t know where you belong, take a step back from your life, let distance show you what your heart will ache for, and what your mind will play endless flashbacks for, if this happens then all you need is to embrace it, and if it doesn’t then you need to build a new life.
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To all the people who made me feel like I was hard too love, like giving me the bare minimum was more than I deserved, to the ones who created the most fragile version of me, to the ones who could’ve saved me but chose to let me go… I made it without you, I did it.
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At the end, things will go your way, even if it’s in a different way than you imagined, you’ll live the moment and feel like you’ve never belonged to anything else more. You’ll heal, you’ll move on, you’ll pass whatever you’re struggling with… and you will glow.
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I’ve always been the person who reaches out, who cares, who’s willing to try and fix things, but being that person for such a long time, with many wrong people has left me trying to erase that version of me. Then I remind myself, someone out there deserves to meet that version.
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If I were a book, I wouldn’t want to be a love story with a perfect ending, or a book where the main character dies at the end, but I’d love to be a book that invades minds from the first page, that melts the ice around hearts and stays inside even when they’re done reading it.
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Am I losing myself or am I finding myself? I’ve had this question for so long, for I’ve witnessed my feet take me places I’ve never thought I’ll be, and walk me away from places I never imagined to leave willingly…maybe who we think we’re and who we’re meant to be are different.
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I hope you experience gentle things, soul mending things, I hope you get to feel every tiny wound heal, I hope you open your eyes to a new version of you, a version that’s so full of love it radiates, I hope you see yourself glow… as clear as you saw yourself get dimmed.
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I knew I was in love when I saw the way he breathed, the way he talked, and walked, and smiled, and nodded, and I saw art, suddenly the simplest things a human can do were magical when they were done by him, I saw happiness, and things I only heard about in movies...with you.
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Yes, love is important, but how your mood changes around someone is important too, the colours they leave on your soul is important too, how comfortable you are in sharing your thoughts with them because they’re trustworthy is important too, your value is important too.
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I want to disappear, but not too well that I won’t be found, I want to hide, but I want the right people to be able to see me, I want silence, but I want my thoughts to be heard, I want to run, but not too far that my footsteps start to fade, I want to be here, when I’m far away.
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The thing I was missing for the longest time was feeling, any kind of feeling, I wanted to remember how it felt like to care enough about something that it could make my heart beat faster, make me smile, or even cry, I wanted goosebumps, and laughter, and pain, and being alive.
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It’s not dates that I want, it’s not flowers, or rings, I want longer conversations, and questions I never thought would be hard to answer, rain, and springs, and complexity, for whatever is complicated is interesting...and whatever is interesting keeps me alive.
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Sometimes, you’ll never find closure, you’ll never receive an apology, you’ll get hurt and you’ll have to heal yourself and pick yourself up; nobody will come offer a hand, nobody will take the mood swings, life will keep going, and so will you, until it’s somehow in the past.
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I used to believe that loving them more, can make them stay, I didn’t understand what lesson life was trying to teach me, the same situation kept happening over and over again… until I realised, that the lesson was to never try to make them stay, they should want to.
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“Pick your battles” might be the wisest thing I’ve ever heard, because life can never come without problems, if not with your family then with your friends, if not with your friends then with your boss, you can’t escape it, so choose how you want to survive it.
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Real endings don’t involve rain, or a one last hug, there’s no eye contact, sometimes even no sound, real endings are sudden, like a violent winter starting off with a storm to announce its arrival, they’re quiet and clear… you know things changed forever.
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When we meet someone we truly love, we meet a new version of us, the ones who hate being touched can’t go a day without hugging their favourite person, the ones who weren’t into a specific music genre suddenly found themselves in it… you didn’t change, you found another you.
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Be adventurous, don’t let the sunset scare you, go and run after shooting stars in the dark, explore, and get hurt, and heal, and grow, What’s the point of playing it so safe all the time anyway? Be alive.
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That battle you don’t talk about, that one that’s living inside you and you don’t even have the option to have a time out, that constant stress, that endless darkness… I hope you win that, I hope you stab at the darkness with all of your power until you see the light, at last.
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I’m proud of myself, I’m not ashamed to say that the journey was lonely, every person I thought would be there, turned out to be another cold heart that could watch me break and not move a finger to help, until I moved mountains for me… and realised I never needed them anyway.
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Disappointment isn’t like pain, it doesn’t leave a mark on your heart that your beloved ones can heal, or time can erase, disappointment is permanent, it grows inside you distancing you from people, it’ll always be hard to trust, it’ll always be hard to believe, and to feel safe.
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I love too easily, I don’t mean fall in love, I mean I love people easily, I love that stranger that smiled at me today, that coach that asked if I was okay, it’s almost like I’m searching for good actions to love to distract me from hating the cruel ones...no matter how tiny.
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I’ve seen too many people break their rules to be with someone, and change who they are, and I wish that when you find love, you find it with its arms wide open ready to embrace everything that you are, I wish you let it love you for you...not who you think it may admire more.
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Whenever I feel that I don’t belong life gives me signs that good people exist, it pats me on the back and shows me something beautiful that I couldn’t see because I was too focused on the pain, it holds me down whenever I’m about to burst, and it keeps me going.
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Nobody is responsible for your happiness, so if you see someone trying to make you happy, make them happy, if you see someone exerting effort to come a step closer to you, walk a step closer to them, appreciate acts of kindness and support them... they’re rare.
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Life is meant to be enjoyed, and that doesn’t mean you should quit your job and go for a road trip, but learn to steal moments. Learn to use every second, and that little happiness sprinkled here and there will mend you, it’ll illuminate your details, make you live lighter.
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You are stronger than your triggers, I know they eat you up from the inside, I know how your mind races, and your skin burns, I know how loud it gets, and how suddenly impossible it is to breathe, but I also know that you survived it before, it doesn’t have to get you this time.
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I’m always that person walking through crowded streets, wondering what’s inside these people, what makes them, them? what made them smile today, and what hurt them yesterday, what pain, and what joy was the reason behind the way they talk, and walk, and think? Are they like me?
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Loving a person isn’t about knowing their favourite colour, it’s not about knowing their favourite movie, it’s about walking to a place, and seeing something that instantly reminds you of them, and smiling, it’s about them having a place in your mind even when they’re not around.
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I survived the ones that used me, and the ones that lied to me, I survived the ones that betrayed me, and the ones that left me behind, I survived harmful hearts, and evil minds, and I still believe that not all people are like them, I still believe in love.
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I never wanted flowers and gardens and a fairytale ending, this isn’t real life, but I needed someone who’d make storms tolerable, who I’d share a torn umbrella with and joke about it, who’d hold my hand and suddenly everything will feel alright, not magical, but right.
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My problem was never a feeling of being misunderstood, my problem was the fact that the ones who really understood me, were the ones who ended up hurting me the most. That’s why their wounds are different, they scar darker, because they knew how bad it’d be, and did it anyway.
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You think you’ve healed, but you walk into a room full of people, and you feel the discomfort you buried deep inside whispering, you don’t feel the pain anymore, but when you cry you can’t stop, because you’re crying for all the things you forgot… but your body never could.
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This is your reminder that in the end things will be okay, and by okay I don’t mean that exactly what you have in mind will take place in your life, but I mean that there’s always room for even better things, for scenarios you never imagined, for a different happy ending.
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Then you change, you start growing the strength to walk out the door leaving behind what you wanted the most, you realise that your inner peace is more important, and nothing is worth climbing walls and sneaking in through windows to get, what is yours will find you too.
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Yes, I may have days when I hate everyone, even myself, but never you, it may be a mess inside my head, but I’ll always find a solution for you; yes, you mean to me more than anything ever did, more than anything ever will.
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This year I learned a lot, I learned how to get things done even when I don’t have the motivation to get out of bed, I learned that plans fail, that hearts change, and that people say a lot of nice things they aren’t ready to live up to, I learned that the only hero I need is me.
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My toxic trait would be suppressing my anger to seek peace, and not realising I’m only creating a storm. Every word unsaid, every feeling overlooked, is a live ghost that won’t let me be, until I face it, until I actually take the road to healing.
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You don’t notice how lonely you are until you need a hug and you can’t think of anyone to run to, you need to talk and you can’t think of anyone who’ll understand, you’re here in your room with the weight of the world bringing you down, and nobody outside that door knows a thing.
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I found out that I’m lovable, I’m worthy of good things, I’m strong and trustworthy and special, not forgettable like you made me feel, not temporary like you made me believe.
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I don’t think I can’t take more disappointments, I know I will have to face good and bad things as I live, but I think I’ve had more than my share of disappointment, of suffering, of giving my all for nothing, and I truly hope that part of my life is over.
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I read something about how trauma changes you, and not clearly, but in the tiny details you normally overlook, in the way you can’t hold eye contact as long as you used to, in the way you can’t fully release the tension in your body… you’re not you, even if you look like you.
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Nothing scares me more than not finding that spark of kindness in someone’s eyes, not feeling that human inside of them fighting for something, that hopelessness peaking though their soul, you know you’re looking at the remains of a human… you can’t expect they won’t hurt you.
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Some days my mind can’t escape, it can’t make up happy endings and it can’t imagine the light at the end of the tunnel. Some days all I can think of are the thousand ways I can fail, the reasons why I shouldn’t take a step, and the risks I don’t have the strength to take.
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I’m sick of strength, I want to be patted on the back for how much I survived, I want to be hugged for how much I’ve tried, I want to be healed, and held, and protected, for I’m tired of being so ready for the storm all the time.
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I hope something happens to you that’s heartwarming, kind, and peaceful. I hope you go through something that makes you believe in miracles, that shows you that life could be magical. I hope something restores your faith in humanity, because you deserve it.
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I don’t know if I’m moving closer or farther away from myself, I don’t feel lost, yet I don’t feel found. It’s like I’m trapped, I see something inspiring to keep me going, and I keep looking for any other sign that I’m walking in the right direction… but it just doesn’t come.
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Don’t love me in fancy restaurants, and suits, and big cars, but love me in letters, and flowers, and sunsets, and full moons, and bright stars, and things that hold so much magic in their simplicity that people forget they were the reason they understood love at the first place.
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I tried, I tried to talk you out of your cruelty, to love you out of your ignorance, and to be patient with you, but just like the biggest trees wilt in autumn, my warmth couldn’t survive your coldness, my sanity couldn’t survive your conversations,and my love couldn’t last more.
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It’s okay to disappear for a while, you don’t have to always be accessible, there are times when you reach out and it feels like everyone around you is nowhere to be found, you don’t have to stand here and wait, move, wander, dive, free yourself so you can keep on giving.
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You never really know how much you love someone until you watch them leave, not because your story ended, but because they had to leave, for life has plans for all of us, even if we try to fight it, it’ll find a way to push us where we should be… and not where we dream to be.
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Let them be them, let them be self-centred, let them be toxic, let them be so realistic, let them fall out of love with everything that was created to be loved, and let us be dreamers, let us be humans, let us be reckless, let us be what they try to erase, let us be us.
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I love gentle things, things that feel like a pat on your heart, like light conversations that lift you up, and long walks in the cold with your shoulders touching. A song that relates to you, or a plant that inspires you enough to stop and admire it… the soft things in life.
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I think it’s impossible to hate someone you once loved, it’s the pain that you hate, the disappointment, the abandonment, the heartbreak, how hard to love they made you feel, you hate that ugly emotion that’s clinging to your chest demanding to be felt… not them.
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It’s the battles you can’t tell anyone that you’re fighting that hurt you the most, the unexplained bruises you’ve to hide because they won’t understand; It’s the constant pressure of being the rope that holds everything together, when all you want to do is snap.
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The truth is I don’t know how it’s supposed to be like, being loved, I don’t know if there’s a right way and a wrong way, but what I’m certain about is that you won’t have to question it, you won’t need reassurance, because you’re on a ground so strong it doesn’t shake.
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I miss the version of me that felt loved, I miss how bright my smile was, and how light everything felt, I miss the power I felt from having a satisfied heart, that confidence that nothing could bother me as long as I have this kind of magic in my life, I truly miss it.
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I used to overthink about endings, how they were so sudden, and how I’ll never know when to expect one, but I realised they aren’t sudden or unexpected, there are a million signs that we choose to ignore that lead to it, and the strongest one is when you start asking for love.
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Send that text, make that move, take that risk, there’re infinite chances ahead of you, there’re countless possibilities waiting for you, even if it doesn’t happen, at least you won’t be out there daydreaming about what you missed, at least you’ll see things as they truly are.
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I need you to understand this, not everyone that’s looking at you is looking at who you really are, some people look at you and see a version they created, a good or a bad one. People put you in the frame that makes them most comfortable, only when you’re a threat, or a treasure.
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The best moments in life are not pictured, but they’re carved in your brain like a dream that can’t die, you remember the smell of the moment, the smiles, how the moon shined above, you remember the sound of the wind, and every detail you wouldn’t normally notice… but you did.
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It’s easy to love someone when they’re giggling, when they’re dancing to their favourite song, when they’re in the mood to dress beautifully, but darling it’s the darkness that’s hard to love, the anger, the tears, the exhaustion, they show you who is really here to stay.
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Take pictures of pretty sunsets, try new ice cream flavours, don’t be shy to express your happiness in physical ways, try a new hairstyle, tell them you love them, live with a truly open heart for one day, and let it steer you in all the directions where you really belong.
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One day you’ll walk through the same street, and you won’t cry, you won’t laugh, you won’t remember, and be proud that it no longer gets to you, no...you’ll be too busy thinking of all the new plans you have going on in your life, that your past will seem too far away to exist.
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I don’t get it when people say “at the end you always get what you want”, well, yes, maybe you get what you want but after you stop wanting it, after the fire in your heart stars burning weaker, after you start moving on, after it means nothing anymore.
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The ending of each summer is a short sad story, it doesn’t matter how happy, or traumatising your summer was, what matters is that it was the last chance to be who you are now, the last inhale before life throws you to another year with a different story.
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The thing about toxic people isn’t their ability to hurt you, but their ability to make you believe that things could actually get better, that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, that they’ve changed… when it’s all you trying to see the positive, not them showing it.
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I deserve peace, for all of the battles I won, and lost, I deserve happiness, for all of the effort I’ve exerted trying to stop my heart from losing its kindness, I deserve freedom, for all of the cages I escaped, and I deserve tenderness… for all of the knives that touched me.
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I have a soft spot for all the people I truly loved, I harden and I harden then I soften at their presence, and this is why I never understand the pure hatred after pure love idea, we can only hate the people we never truly loved, and yes we can mistake lots of things for love.
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Sometimes misunderstandings happen, big ones, like telling someone goodbye with a certainty that you’ll see them tomorrow, and them saying goodbye with a decision that it’ll be the last.
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I feel so worthless, I try to erase the thoughts and drown the feeling, but I can’t help but notice how I’m standing here and nobody’s looking at me, how all the eyes find each other while smiling but none finds mine, this invisibility is erasing everything I am, please...see me.
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One of the concepts I’ll always love is that unplanned things always end up being better than planned things, whether it’s a day out, a friendship, a life changing road, you see, plans are most probably related to our comfort zones...which will never lead you to being alive.
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You see, I always do my best with people, I always give my all, and yes it does take too much energy that I barely succeed in collecting, yes it is exhausting, but at least when everything burns to ashes, I know I’m not the reason, I know I’m never the one who started the fire.
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When you leave, I hope they’ll feel your absence, I hope they’ll stay up all night drowning in every memory you’re in, I hope they’ll look at your pictures and feel there’s something missing, I just really hope you won’t end up being the one who cares more.
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I miss how it felt like to be at peace, to be surrounded by soft, easy people. It’s like what’s around me really does affect everything, the air I breathe feels heavier around certain people, and the more I sink in the places where I don’t belong, the faster I die.
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It’s weird how people’s features change when you stop loving them, you realise their eyes never really held kindness, and they didn’t really shine like you believed. It’s true when they say you don’t really see the people you love, you unconsciously beautify them.
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Imagine walking home with too many stories on your shoulders about your day to tell, but the one who used to listen isn’t there, or calling that number you memorised so well over the years to remember that your friend isn’t here, tell that person you love him, they need to know.
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I guess the worst thing about endings has to be the fact that you no longer run to them, now you run from them, your escape is what you need to escape, and that change, that sudden storm in your heart is too strong… you know you can’t be the same anymore.
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Pay attention to the blessings you take too lightly, take a moment to be grateful for them, to take them in and really reach deep within yourself to find what they mean to you and how you can’t go without them…we’re always too busy chasing life that we forget to appreciate ours.
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And after all what I really want is to die fighting, I want to die while doing what I was born to do, I don’t want to die devastated, I don’t want to die broken-hearted, I don’t want sympathy in the eyes of my people, I want them to remember me and think...she did it.
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Sometimes stories will end, different paths will be taken, and they will never know they’ve hurt you, they’ll walk away with their world that you once knew too well, and you’ll walk away with yours, only a little broken, wondering if they’ll ever know they left an ugly mark.
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When you try to help people, try not to get too involved, not to get too attached, so that you can see things clearly, and provide the help needed… for sometimes we get too carried away the problem becomes ours, when it was never our battle to fight.
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I just want you to know that I know your silent battles are bigger than everything people have watched you survive, I know there’s a whole other side to you that just isn’t seen, but I hope you don’t think that makes it any less important. You were the witness, and that’s enough.
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Everywhere I go, I see people, but I can’t see humanity, I see friends, but I can’t find a friend in someone, I hear inspiring talks about self acceptance, but I can’t find anyone who accepts the diversity of others, I see faces, and it saddens me to compare them to a nightmare.
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I wonder how some people can live with unsaid apologies, how they could move on with their lives and overcome the fact that someone out there still looks at themselves in a broken mirror because of them, someone out there might never be able to trust again, because of you.
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This is your reminder that it’s not too late for a miracle to happen and change everything you thought you were, life is unexpected, the future you think you’re walking towards no matter how good or bad you imagine it to be isn’t guaranteed, and your story is far from over.
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