I wish everyone would get off Elon’s case about the salutes. It’s really adding to his kampf.

Intermittent fasting is just tech bro bulimia

Worst Greeting Ever @mydailyblitz #comedycrowd #dailyblitz

Motion to call haircuts “headicures”

The best thing about middle age is that when I wake up in the morning, I’ve already wasted my life. So the rest of the day is my own.

Happy Easter @jenbegakis! I don’t know you. You might not even be one person, as an Aesopian or Homeric group would better explain your output. But I believe that however many you are, most of you are Greek.

College might be harder to afford these days, but it's much easier for parents to get their kids into a good school shooting.

I was all set to get into BDSM. Then I choked.

I’ve been doing this 8-minute workout. For 8 minutes a day, I’m in amazing shape.

Republican paleontologists find dinosaurs killed off by woke asteroid

I wouldn’t swipe left on her for eating crackers in bed!

If it bites you again, it wants another ten. Don’t try to give it a twenty thinking “just in case it wants more.” Cats can only see tens.

If your cat bites you, it wants $10.

I always pour one on the ground for carelessness.

So is any one liner now considered a dad joke?

Communicating the complexities of the cultures, issues, and events that make up our society in the way that people can digest and understand is the job of comedians. So fuck you.

My favorite part of Valentine's Day is stocking up on cheap love the day after.

"White People Are Great" is my favorite Uncritical Race Theory class.

It’s such a coincidence the Super Bowl is today, because I was already planning to go down to Philly to torch some cars.

In my day, an extremist was someone who drank Mountain Dew