Alexandria Shallot
@ALXShallot
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Alexandria's Finest News Source.
Alexandria, VA
Joined September 2021
ALX Shallot brings you local breaking news-ish content, from our award-winning* team of journalists** and writers*** *tee ball mvp, 1986 **sandwich artists ***drunks
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THE NAME’S THE GAME: Opponents of new arena in Potomac Yard settle on foolproof strategy to ensure it never opens, push to name it Yates Pizza Palace Center.
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SAY CHEESE: Councilwoman Jackson delays ribbon cutting event while she sits for full oil portrait commemoration of her attendance.
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READER POLL: With Justin Wilson announcing he will not seek re-election for Mayor next year, which of his lame duck goals are you most excited about:
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BONING YOUR HOUSING: Mayor Wilson denies being seen test-swinging sledgehammers at Home Depot, claims to never have asked clerk “how many single family homes do you think I could wreck with this bad boy.”
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JUSTIN BOT NET: Mayor Wilson’s Instagram account suspended for suspected bot programming after he spends 48 hours straight liking constituent back to school photos.
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GOING THE DISTANCE: City officials clarify that holes dug in Hammond track are not a mistake but are in fact cutting edge stormwater bioswales and the track is now just a very very short cross country course.
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DELUGE-ONAL: State proclamation recognizes Northside 10 restaurant’s record 400 years in business after they survive their 4th 100 year rainstorm.
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IT DEPENDS ON HOW YOU LOOK AT IT: After Colvin Street butcher flap, city issues new guidance document to decide if a rabbit is a chicken.
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CHAIN REACTION: Stymied by impenetrable human barrier around Simpson Park tree, Mayor Wilson hijacks massive city tunneling machine to bring the tree down from below.
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NO THEY’RE SAYING BOO-URNS: Residents acknowledge milestone achievement as the City of Alexandria announces they’ve broken the Guinness World Record for simultaneous neighborhood street closures.
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COMPETITIVE BALANCE TAX: As schools hot stove league kicks into high gear, Mayor Wilson demands draft pick compensation from Arlington after ACPS loses two heart of the order administrators to the neighboring district.
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HASHTAG ALLIES: Miss Utilty and Ting partner together to spray paint streets across Alexandria rainbow in celebration of Pride month.
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LOCO MOTIVE: Local first responders recover a delirious and dehydrated Mayor Wilson after he is found unconscious in a Metro car following 48 hours of nonstop celebratory rides between Potomac Yard and Van Dorn.
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SURPRISE: New ACPS superintendent revealed at school board meeting when Dr. Melanie Kay-Wyatt removes the head of her parrot costume, much to shock of the judges who had been convinced it was Arne Duncan under there.
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READER POLL: Which add/delete budget amendment from City Council were you most surprised by:
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UNCHARITABLE CONTRIBUTION: Alexandria Times columnist pens granular analysis of Mayor Wilson’s Spring2ACTion giving, criticizing him for supporting food banks, homeless shelters, and local students while ignoring the cause that really matters: cats.
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YEAH, UH, IT’S A ONE FOR ME TOO I GUESS: Alexandria dinner party guests play fastest and most uninteresting game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon ever.
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DENSITY DEFEATED: In daring pre-dawn raid, a detachment of Save Del Ray commandos successfully remove the third story from a mixed use building near Mt. Vernon Ave.
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SIR THIS IS AN ARBYS: Alexandria Times columnist detained outside the offices of the Wall Street Journal following two hours of him loudly demanding they publish his 8,000 word manifesto about local government spending on DEI storm drains.
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WASHINGTON SHIT HERE: Alexandria gears up for tourist season with signage leading visitors to three newly discovered locations where the locally venerated founding father sat in power.
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