Ali B
@wtflanksteak
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A wise guy with a big mouth and bigger dreams. management: the twilight zone gremlin contact: wtflanksteak @ gmail . com
Chicago
Joined March 2009
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Hey everyone! Time to chat so buckle up and listen close.
In December 2021, I was diagnosed with chronic myeloid leukemia. I was being treated at Hospital no. 1 in Chicago. I was still able to work, travel, and win an Emmy or two. Read on (1/x)
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Disney/Pixar movies now are like "The women in your family are complex, imperfect and people who carry the trauma, hopes, and dreams of your female ancestors.....and their husbands are just some guys."
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My boyfriend managed to capture the moment I got some big news.
Starting Tuesday, I'll be starting my new job as a writer on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver!
I'm excited, eager, anxious, and completely overwhelmed with emotion! Let's go!!!
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If an apartment doesn't have a washer-dryer, the rent should legally be capped at $875/mo.
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Every single Black person, every single brown person, every single queer person I know was worried about THIS in 2016.
Most of us were called crazy or hysterical.
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The fun of the Addams family is seeing them around suburban normies. Putting Wednesday in a Gothic magic boarding school strips all the comic tension out of the franchise. Plus the Addams are magic? Total misunderstanding of the franchise.
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"FLINT STILL DOESN'T HAVE CLEAN WATER. I'M EMILY, BITCH."
“from the state with 84 percent of the u.s. fresh water but none for its residents to drink, i am miss michigan emily sioma” — the new
#missamerica2019
pageant did not come to play
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Imagine how mad you'd be if you didn't like musicals and went to see a movie and it turned out to be a musical. You'd be MAD.
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chris rock didn't even lose his balance and y'all are out here being like "WHAT IF HE WAS BETTY WHITE AND WILL SMITH HAD A SLEDGEHAMMER"
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My stress nightmare is that I'm this self unaware and no one is telling me.
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drake: you're short
kendrick: In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit.
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..........................so many, in fact basically all, of the things she mentioned are things that happen to unattractive women. so much of what she talked about is just being a woman. and to suggest that unattractive women don't have to worry about assault is harmful.
This woman opens up about something we hardly ever talk about: the downsides of being an attractive woman.
This is a valid struggle some women have to deal with yo.
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I'm gonna need Biden to just start doing some off the wall executive orders. Like just start doing shit.
Wake up tomorrow and just say guns are illegal, give everyone $45k, and make the national anthem "Levitating" by Dua Lipa. Just get shit done.
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When you've been told for DECADES, that an English major or liberal arts degree is worthless and everyone should "learn to code," yeah, we're gonna end up with a society that thinks what writers do is easy and shouldn't be valued and AI is the solution. It's all connected!
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I'M HAPPY MY TAX DOLLARS GO TO SNAP/EBT. I'M HAPPY A WOMAN HAD BEAUTIFUL NAILS. I WOULD PAY MORE IN TAXES IF IT MEANT MORE PEOPLE COULD BUY A NICE STEAK AND GET THEIR NAILS DONE. IT'S PROBABLY THE ONLY THING I BELIEVE IN.
I remember one woman had like 3 inch fake nails that were bedazzled and I just thought "I'm glad taxpayers are paying for food so you can afford those nails."
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Once people get vaccinated and we start mingling again, don't ask me "how are you?" or "what's new?"
We're only doing deep and weird conversation starters from now on.
"Hi! You look great! Drinks are on the patio. What's holding you back from being the person you want to be?"
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Headlights are TOO BRIGHT!
What is the most boomer complaint you have? Mine is I think people take their dogs too many places for my taste and also I think everyone should be more punctual.
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PASS A LAW! FUND SOMETHING! FORGIVE A DEBT!! ANYTHING!!!!!
I know how hard it is some days to sweep the clouds away and get to sunnier days.
Our friend Elmo is right: We have to be there for each other, offer our help to a neighbor in need, and above all else, ask for help when we need it.
Even though it's hard, you're never alone.
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"Your mother survived the war and she can manipulate time with her hands. Her husband is Dennis, he works at the radio station."
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Me logging off slack to my co-workers I've never met in person:
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Those carrots are so skinny. Those are not load bearing carrots. They cannot support hummus.
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GIRL I THOUGHT WE ALREADY DID THAT
HOW MANY TIMES I GOTTA DO THAT
Former first lady Michelle Obama has a message for Americans ahead of the 2022 midterm elections: "We've got to vote like the future of our democracy depends on it."
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"i can't believe she made him our special family salad" is both the silliest thing in the entire world and also completely emotionally devastating and i fully understand both sides
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White people need to stop trying to relate to the "shithole" comment by talking about their family history of immigration. It's not about immigration. It never was. It's about the fact that our president hates Black and brown people.
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she put FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in a SHOEBOX and texted a PICTURE of it and then HANDED IT TO A MAN IN A VAN WHO DROVE OFF
I can't- I CAN'T
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Does humanity have any greater architectural legacy than the Gothic cathedrals of Europe?
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a banana has 422 mg
kale has 417.3 mg
beans have 167 mg
a potato has 620 mg!!!! 15% of your daily needs!!!! potato chips? 361 mg!!! i was eating so many potatoes and so many potato chips!!!! during my CANCER TREATMENT, you fuck. i'm eating my potatoes and my chips. fuck off!!!!!
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HEAL OUR NATION AND PUT A BABY NEXT TO A PUMPKIN.
PUT A LIL HAT ON THE BABY.
SNAP A PIC AND SHARE!!!!!!!!
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THIS DUDE ON CHOPPED WINKED AT THE ONLY FEMALE CONTESTANT WHEN THE ROUND WAS OVER AND SHE SAID TO HIM "DON'T BE WINKING AT ME. THIS ISN'T THE 1940'S" AND THEN HE NOTICED HE LEFT A BASKET INGREDIENT OFF HIS DISH.
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If right-leaning men can't find a girlfriend or a wife, that's just the free market deciding.
Gen Z women are turning left, while men are veering right, the Editorial Board writes. Can American marriage be saved?
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Crying in the doctor's waiting room because THIS IS LOVE. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. THEY GET EACH OTHER. THEY GONNA MAKE IT!!!!!!
This woman went to propose to her boyfriend then the unexpected happened 🥹
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not even a remotely controversial take. the man is hot. always has been. probably always will be.
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ohhhhh so many thoughts but if you're using your water bottle to make all those water tok concoctions, YOU NEED TO CLEAN YOUR WATER BOTTLE because all that sugar is going to grow mold!
Woman shares terrifying PSA about reusable water bottles - revealing how she ended up in urgent care FOUR times after falling ill from MOLD
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Ken isn't supposed to be sexy.
He's supposed to have an empty head and gentle eyes. He's supposed to have one outfit that doesn't even look good. He's supposed to be left in your trunk of Barbies while you play with your Barbies.
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Y'all are reading this like it's a criticism or I want things to go back the way they were and I'm asking you "where did I say that?"
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Behind every bad bitch with anxiety is an amazing English teacher.
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I want the writer of The Crown to rewrite history and let Diana live and then season six is her Kill Bill revenge story.
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There are ten types of female energy.
Cucumber Melon
Country Apple
Sun-Ripened Raspberry
Freesia
Plumeria
Pearberry
Juniper Breeze
Brown Sugar & Fig
Dark Kiss
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Sensual Amber
I will not be taking questions.
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They went to lunch without her, presumably to have a conversation without her nonsense and she still found them.
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Me and the girls at the club when a drunk guy approaches
This is a “Reindeer Cyclone”.
A swirling mass of threatened reindeer stampeding in a circle making it impossible to target an individual. The weakest and fawns are in the middle..
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EVERYONE WATCH LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER AT 10PM CT BECAUSE I WROTE SOME OF IT!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
WHAT A DAY! WHAT A TREAT! WHAT A THRILL!!
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fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck this mAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAn
Anna Faris trends on Twitter as people show her love after her ex-husband, Chris Pratt, praised his new wife in a new Instagram post, saying: “she's given me an amazing life, a gorgeous healthy daughter.”
Anna Faris has been open about her son Jack's health issues.
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Alan Rickman is Christmas shopping WITH HIS WIFE and he's like "perfect time to buy an expensive necklace for this little floozy at work I haven't even slept with yet."
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why did i think dr bronner was like an old man from the great depression or something
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hey if plane doors are flying off, i should be able to bring a full size bottle of shampoo on my flight
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Jim Carrey and Anchal from ANTM.
that one random celeb relationship that everyone moved on from but you literally cant forget it and think about it every day
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"you have to be careful at gas stations at night, your friends are weird around you, people want to attack you, assault you" that's being a woman! there's no special patriarchy for hotties!
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Watching Beckham and I have two takeaways so far:
1) David Beckham is one of our finest himbos and he must be protected at all costs. He just wants to play his lil game.
2) Victoria Beckham would have been a great Housewife.
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Just an FYI: I wasn't wearing shapewear with ANY of my Emmy outfits and it is scientifically impossible for those outfits to hit harder. It's peak dressing, dear.
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I had a college prof, in a class half about Spike Lee when we were watching She's Gotta Have It, tell us that "dogging someone out" meant "doggystyle sex." I corrected him "no, it means to talk bad about someone or degrade them" and he said no, it literally means doggystyle.
We should keep a running list of the times non-blacks tried to tell us OUR idioms were about them without even understanding WTF we're saying
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What's your favorite way someone says "no fatties" on a dating app without saying it?
Mine is "takes care of themselves."
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I haven't seen Turning Red yet but if it's about teen girls being incredibly horny and making weird art about the things they're horny about, I hate to tell you but that sounds incredibly accurate to very many people's experience.
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Everyone who went to bed at a reasonable hour waking up tomorrow:
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and suggesting that unwanted attention/physical harm is something that happens to "pretty women" leads to a culture where if an unattractive woman is assaulted, she's not believed or made to feel like she should be grateful if it does happen
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I like to think I'm a good writer and good at what I do. But just saying "I'm naturally good at what I do and my brain is just fantastic and I know everything" is SO WILD.
If I ever start talking like this, send me to a farm upstate.
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This is so dumb because the way restaurants are set up and how foodbourne illness works is YOU CAN'T SEE WHEN IT'S UNSAFE. I can't stroll through the kitchen and check the temp of the fridge before I order a salad. That's what the inspector is for, you doofus.
This is the face of a scumbag. She ruined breakfast this morning at a Boston Diner to do an unannounced health inspection.
The immigrant family running the place had to stop to accompany this psycho. Don’t give me the she’s just doing her job line. She’s what is wrong with…
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Listen, I've been liking these new pop girls and their disco-lite music but we were in the car and "Drive Me Crazy" by Britney Spears came on the radio and that song is fucking rocket powered.
They simply do not make them like that anymore. What happened to production????
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me, through tears: it's still ACAB
‘Law and Order: SVU’ star Mariska Hargitay mistaken for real-life cop by lost child
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OUR COUNTRY NEEDS THIS NOW MORE THAN EVER.
HEAL OUR NATION AND PUT A BABY NEXT TO A PUMPKIN.
PUT A LIL HAT ON THE BABY.
SNAP A PIC AND SHARE!!!!!!!!
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I had never really watched Fraiser and in my attempt to watch more "great TV," I started watching.
Fraiser rules. It's funny, specific, written tight as a drum. The humor isn't mean to people who are different and it's serving FARCE, honey.
Hey what's this obsession millennials have with "Frasier" about? Is it that you were a kid and your parents were watching it so there's nostalgia about being in the room while a show you weren't really into was on and also Kelsey Grammer is kind of a dork? Help me out here.
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I'm watching The Mandalorian from the beginning with my parents who have never seen it and when my mother first saw baby Yoda, she let out a wail like she was seeing an angel from heaven.
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"piers morgan breaks his silence"
bitch it has been one full day
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My dad dropped my grandma off at the movie theater to see Closer (2004) by herself because she read about it in the New Yorker.
He watched it when it came out on DVD and screamed the whole time "MY MOTHER WENT TO SEE THIS????!!!!"
RIP Grandma, you would have loved Poor Things.
stop giving Poor Things these damn awards cause now my grandma wanna watch it
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Nuh uh...he did something and I'm gonna find out what it is.
Sources tell TMZ that Joe Jonas filed for divorce after allegedly catching Sophie Turner doing or saying something on a ring camera:
“Joe had access to a ring cam that he said captured Sophie saying and/or doing something that made him realize the marriage was over.”
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Oh, you thought I was a bad bitch?
No, no. I said I was a "bed bitch." I love being in bed, snuggled up under the covers.
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since i'm retweeting lots of pro-fat tweets today, lemme add from my own experience:
if you refuse to participate in diet talk or negative body talk, thin people get REALLY CONFUSED and generally do not know how to have neutral or positive conversations about food or weight.
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Cancer is weird, cancer is hard - even for someone getting the best care & doesn't have to balance a regular job and treatment: It fucking SUCKS.
The fact that The Firm bungled all and treated her diagnosis like something to be ashamed of, to hide - THAT'S WHAT I'M CONFUSED BY.
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The message about finances and dating is never "men, get comfortable with your partner making more. Don't sabotage her out of insecurity. Learn to step up more at home."
It's always "women, your standards are keeping you from that good man that makes less than you out there."
Tyler Perry with a message for the women out there 👀 how do y’all feel about this ??
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If Meghan Markle was a monster and a diva, wouldn't we have heard of that....before she married Harry?!??!?!
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What I do know about Yoda is that he's a messy bitch who lives for drama.
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when i first got out of the hospital, i desperately needed potassium so we did research on what foods are potassium rich and potatoes have a ton of potassium!
so basically every day, twice a day - i'd eat a bowl of potato chips and my potassium levels went back up. so. it me.
Harrisburg Telegraph, Pennsylvania, January 9, 1930
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GIRL, WE DID!! WHERE THEY AT?!?!
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"i put on sneakers in case i had to run"
THIS IS WHERE I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?"
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I am a better writer now than I was five, ten years ago. I'll be better in another five, ten years from now.
But to say "I possess an inherent quality that makes me a great writer and I always have been" is SO BONKERS TO ME.
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People are STUNNED that writers don't want AI to replace them and that we'd strike over it. We should be grateful that tech and the free market smiled upon us.
Machines can't do what people do. The key to art isn't an algorithm. It's people, creativity, and stability.
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I've said it once - I'll say it 10 million times - Anne Hathaway IS SO GOOD in Ocean's 8.
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So many things to say about this truly baffling and awful take so I'll just go with this one: "they are HER texts. They are texts she received that contain abuse. She didn't leak video or text him doing something mildly embarrassing. She posted his abuse. You get that, right?"
It’s gross to post your ex’s private texts unless you have a really solid reason to do so—& this holds true even if your ex was a thin-skinned, manipulative weasel. That used to be a given, but it clearly isn’t anymore
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So Charlize Theron and Seth Rogen fall in love in a movie but every time someone falls in love with a fat girl in a movie, somebody has to be bonked in the head or enter an alternate dimension or some shit?
PASS.
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No Spiderman movie has ever explained how a 17 year old boy is so good at sewing.
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We're gonna end with a society that's very comfortable looking at writers and artists as fools who picked a foolish career who deserve whatever pennies they get.
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can you imagine the rush i felt when my brother and i were at brunch with my parents and they both revealed they hadn't heard anything about what's been going on with kate middleton
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We're watching Love Actually and WHAT was Mark going to do with all that footage of Keira Knightley? Because all possible answers are terrifying.
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maybe it's because i'm binge watching fraiser right now but every new report about kate middleton is like hearing one of niles' update about maris.
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this is so god damn funny
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Now is not the time to "not all white people" this tweet.
It is time for meaningful reflection or action from white people. Thank you.
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suggesting beans is like fucking laughable. that's embarrassing. just say you know nothing about nutrition and just want to shame someone for eating chips.
have fun suggesting to people with illness "just try beans and kate" as if we've never heard of vegetables. SHUT UP!!!!!!
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No lie, these are some of my favorite tiktoks. These rule.
These videos are the real reason they’re trying to ban TikTok
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nicholas hoult would have been amazing in don't worry darling
Nicholas Hoult joins Robert Eggers’ NOSFERATU, replacing Harry Styles.
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Just say "she lost weight so now I'm allowing myself to compliment her." it's honestly easier than talking about her "glow up"
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A fat woman on the cover of Vogue that's not in a coat or just her face? YESSSSSSSSSSS!
Lizzo on the October cover of Vogue, wearing Valentino.
Photographed by Hype Williams.
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My worst nightmare happened.
Someone walked in on me in a public bathroom...
While I was sitting down...
And I'm wearing a jumpsuit...
With no bra..
So everything - EVERYTHING was out.
I have to go back to my home planet now.
(I screamed multiple times "SOMEONE'S IN HERE")
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@WrittenByHanna
In what universe is it a customer's job to write a sauce """company""" and say "hey girl, have you heard about food safety? just looking out for you!" this is MESS.
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I'm sorry what's happening now
Anna Wintour and boyfriend Bill Nighy make Met Gala debut as a couple
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There are a lot of numbers between 275 million and zero that they could have left their kids. I find this tacky and mean.
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis reveal they will donate their $275 million fortune to charity and not leave anything for their children.
They say they don't want their children to become spoiled and entitled, and want them to be motivated to work hard.
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