Joel Stein
@thejoelstein
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Yes, it's come to this. I just started a weekly column on Substack. It's called The End of My Career and you can subscribe here:
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Thank you for your poetry submission to
@NewYorker
. We get 1,000s of submissions each day from the president and can only read a small fraction. After careful consideration, we felt that, while full of creative punctuation, this did not suit our editorial needs at this time.
....And then came a Plague, a great and powerful Plague, and the World was never to be the same again! But America rose from this death and destruction, always remembering its many lost souls, and the lost souls all over the World, and became greater than ever before!
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“I never did this before. I never slept over in Washington” is how a five-year old would describe his experience of being president.
Here's the transcript of Trump's response when he was asked what are his top priorities for a second term.
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@bungarsargon
Yes! And also get a law degree and work in the defense department for your career. Do your own research!
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I remember learning that, during the Revolutionary War, the leader of England was insane and not understanding how their country dealt with that.
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High school history classes should have spent more time on the fall of the Roman empire.
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It's nice to see the "Camp Auschwitz" T-shirt guy and the mask wearer putting aside their differences about Covid to stage a coup against the U.S.
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This is the longest it has ever taken to find out what white people think.
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@marklevinshow
There are also photos in 2008 of Barack Obama in public and not wearing a mask!
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As the world embraces authoritarian personality cults, one of the greatest strengths of
@JoeBiden
is that no one is excited about him.
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My wife has never said anything like this and her name is Cassandra.
My wife has the gift of premonition.
Last night she dreamed that Federal squads were in our home seizing guns, knives, “unauthorized foods” and stored water. They said we had been “reported”.
Becca awoke crying.
What happened to our freedom? She asked.
What indeed.
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The right wing rejection of democracy is a feature, not a bug.
As President Trump refuses to accept the results of the election and continues to employ various legal tactics,
@jaketapper
asks:
"How long is the Republican Party going to continue to defer to unhinged, mendacious desperation led by the gang that couldn't sue straight?"
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When I dreamed of being on a magazine cover, this is not what I pictured. My
@BW
article on trying to steal my privacy back from Silicon Valley in which I wear a mask to combat facial recognition: (link: )
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My take, and I'm pretty sure it's the best one, about the slap, for my
@medium
column this week:
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This is a very specific fantasy
Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) bizarrely claims 40,000 Brazilians heading for Connecticut "wearing designer clothes and Gucci bags" illegally crossed the border: “This is not economic migration anymore.”
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Stanford is taking away diplomas for mean comedy writing? Nervous emoji.
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The last exhausted tweet from America’s fact checker.
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Advice for the democrats: Pay for a 5th night of the RNC.
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My 12-year-old son: “I like how they’re giving out money as an incentive because not getting Covid wasn’t incentive enough.”
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Also, academics, doctors, economists, generals, CEOs, epidemiologists, people who read books, and those who prefer an Oxford comma.
Trump is really running against the media, Silicon Valley, the establishment, the swamp, Hollywood and maybe Joe Biden.
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Belief in human rights (including free speech) means you do not let the majority vote on who gets them.
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The most L.A. headline I've ever seen
Column: Think you're snorting a harmless line of cocaine at that party? Think again
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Is there a website where you can search to find out if you've gotten a pardon?
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He literally advocated combat this morning.
Rudy Giuliani says "I'm willing to stake my reputation” on the fact that there is election fraud:
“Let’s have trial by combat.”
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My top suspects for Supreme Court decision leakers: P.J. and Squi.
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Brad Parscale is spending the night trying to figure out why Deez Nuts didn’t show up to the Tulsa rally.
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To celebrate today's release of In Defense of Elitism, I’m giving away 25 signed copies. I'm the one signing it. If you want someone else to sign it, tell me whom & I'll try my best. Retweet by Thursday at 11:59 pm to enter for the chance to win one.
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The main joy I had in making my crappy show, Hey Joel, for VH1, was seeing what 2 songs Adam Schlesinger & Fountains of Wayne would make for every episode. He was so nice, so smart, so funny, so fast, so talented. So sad.
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This is my official statement about Hilaria Baldwin. I will not be taking questions. Thank you for respecting my privacy during this difficult time.
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Not applauding clean water was
@tedcruz
's way of expressing his commitment to vacationing in Mexico.
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No one has asked to be pranked this hard since Vice Principal Vernon.
Tucker: If Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend is watching… we want to hear your story.
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@Mikel_Jollett
As horrified and angry as you must be, what was your reaction to the female protester with the sign that reads “I only like muzzles in the bedroom”?
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Saw E.T. at a drive-in theater. Least realistic part: How seriously the federal government took the possibility of spreading a new virus.
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A stranger wished me a Merry Christmas and I punched him in the throat because there is a war on.
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Let he who never was embarrassed after losing an election and took it out on poor people starving during a pandemic throw the first stone.
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It took something this dramatic to split the GOP... by 5 percent.
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I never thought we'd live through a pandemic where the president said that people are dropping off like flies and was referring to news outlets he approved of.
I gave up on Drudge (a really nice guy) long ago, as have many others. People are dropping off like flies!
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This photo is photoshopped. The statue is real. It is difficult but important to stick to facts amid the insanity of American politics. I shall take this post down tomorrow.
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My 11-year-old son to me: "You are interesting and boring at the same time. Like news."
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It looks like this season The Handsmaid’s Tale is getting back on track.
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This reads like it was written by a a Nigerian prince who needs me to wire him some money
Heading to Davos, Switzerland, to meet with World and Business Leaders and bring Good Policy and additional Hundreds of Billions of Dollars back to the United States of America! We are now NUMBER ONE in the Universe, by FAR!!
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Even if you love
@realDonaldTrump
& find this disgusting, we Americans are insanely lucky to still be one of the few people in human history who can do this.
WATCH: President Trump met with loud boos as he is introduced at the World Series in Nationals Park on Sunday night.
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Can we at least come together as Americans and agree with the basic science that inhaling fumes from burning masks is unhealthy.
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For self-preservation, shouldn’t governments level their harshest punishments to those who tried to violently overthrow it?
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@HerschelWalker
This is a terrific idea. And then if Trump loses that one, we could do another one and have that one done in a week, with plenty of time for 8 more if necessary. I can see why your keen political insights led the GOP to ask you to speak at their convention.
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This game for James Comey only: Ruin a country by changing one election.
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In America you go to jail for killing someone with poison; in Russia you go to jail for not being killed by the poison.
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Trolling
@realDonaldTrump
by naming your winning racehorse Covfefe is peak elitism.
#SquadGoals
!
Covfefe enters the winners circle with her squad after winning the
#BreedersCup
Filly and Mare Sprint!
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Hawley cannot read a room that has just been stormed by insurrectionists.
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What a weird way for Stephen Miller to finally give his Santa Monica High School graduation speech.
Trump offers some remarkably overheated rhetoric: "There is a new far-left fascism that demands absolute allegiance ... this left-wing cultural revolution is designed to overthrow the American revolution"
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If anyone has the guts to step up, I am willing to broadcast the story of any woman who claims she had sex with Tucker Carlson.
A man who claims he had sex with Barack Obama in 1999 tells his story.
Wednesday. 6pm ET.
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"Attempted robbery is still a crime"
"How does democracy survive when one of the two major political parties in this country doesn't believe in democracy, doesn't believe in the basics of democracy?"
I was interviewed by
@sethmeyers
on
@latenightseth
yesterday.
Watch the full interview:
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Just now, at dinner, with my 11-year-old son:
Me: The Soviet Union collapsed very fast.
Him: How fast?
Me: Less than a year.
Him: Wow. It took our country 4 years.
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When my wife was pregnant, I wrote a book, Man Made: A Stupid Quest for Masculinity, to learn to be manly enough to raise a son. For Father's Day, my 12-year-old son made me a lunch salad from items picked from his garden, including edible flowers.
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"Cruz understood that calling someone a 'snowflake' is a cruel insult to level at your enemies. Then he named his own dog Snowflake. That’s like a normal person naming his dog Ted Cruz." My
@washingtonpost
column on
@SenTedCruz
's epic populist fail:
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Just 17 days til you can get
@realDonaldTrump
to say this directly to you plus “Happy Anniversary” on Cameo.
Wow. WaPo just released a recording showing President Trump attempting to blackmail Georgia's Secretary of State to overturn the election.
Listen:
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Do you lose interest in everything when it turns 20?
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Confused on gun carrying rules. Can I carry an AK into a store and ask for free stuff? Can I sternly demand people on the street listen to me read chapters of my book? Can I carry a bandolier and a pistol in each hand ask people if I’m handsome?
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That Biden speech would have had the same emotional punch to my gut if he had just repeated over and over "I am not Donald Trump. I am not Donald Trump."
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Are all 47 reasons that other countries won't allow us in?
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Tonight really shoots a hole in Andrew Yang’s theory that we’re all losing our jobs to computers.
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My 11-yr-old son, after I explain that daylight saving is ending soon: “To be honest, I’m excited. I like any change during the quarantine.”
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On a storytelling level, Trump’s final act of pardoning a guy for a fraud scheme to pocket donations for a wall on the Mexican border that was never built is pretty perfect.
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My 14-year-old son secretly turned off the wifi when he had a group of friends over to get them off their phones and I’m sure this should be his college essay.
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I can no longer tell what is real and what is a Borat prank.
Pres. Trump is fighting for YOU! Here are some of his priorities for a 2nd term:
*Establish Permanent Manned Presence on The Moon
*Send the 1st Manned Mission to Mars
*Build World’s Greatest Infrastructure System
*Establish National High-Speed Wireless Internet Network
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I feel guilty for making fun of
@realDonaldTrump
for eating so much fast food. I had no idea. I apologize.
Exclusive: The Times has obtained tax-return data for President Trump extending over more than two decades.
It shows his finances under stress, beset by losses that he aggressively employs to avoid paying taxes and hundreds of millions in debt coming due.
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For those who do not live in Hollywood, let me explain that having lunch with someone does not prove you don't hate them.
For all of you who still think our
@VP
is anti-gay, I point you to his and the
@SecondLady
’s schedule tomorrow where they will join Taoiseach
@LeoVaradkar
and his partner Dr. Matthew Barrett for lunch in Ireland. 🇮🇪
@merrionstreet
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To those who say the country is too divided, that we’ve got nothing in common, I say: What about Breakfast at Tiffany's? As I recall, I think we both kind of liked it.
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Another smart column by surprisingly named
@WindsorMann
:
“Trump practices the golden rule with rule breakers. He treats criminals the way he wants to be treated, and he treats non-criminals the way he deserves to be treated.”
Me in
@TheWeek
:
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In 2000, I checked 4 times to make sure I was supposed to go to the Four Seasons Hotel and not the Four Seasons restaurant to interview John Cusack.
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@BretWeinstein
Bret, you are not going believe how the
@Gillette
Fusion Five first started out.
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Me to my 11-year-old son, "The Lincoln Douglas debates were nicer than tonight and they were debating slavery."
11-year-old: "They pretty much were debating slavery tonight."
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The movie Don’t Look Up, if you think about it, could also apply to our climate crisis.
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Gen Xers who care about mistakenly being labeled as Boomers – or about anything else - are traitors to their generation.
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@RadioFreeTom
If I apply to be a guardian and then somehow in two months the guardians are disbanded, do I get guardian benefits for life?
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Missed the Trump press conference today. Any new information? Not about the pandemic. I mean about people who have hurt Trump’s feelings.
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We are mere days from finding out that Cuomo sexually harassed nursing home residents.
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If you are under 50, you have participated in only one presidential election in which the GOP has won the majority of voters.
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