it’s so funny how every job is like “do not come to work if you have a fever” but then u get a fever and they’re like “i wont tell if u wont tell 🤭”

Male strippers scare me, like why you got a thong on with timbs

I’d say why are you wearing that to Jersey mikes

In some parts of the world it’s traditional for a widow to wear her mourning leather pants for up to 5 years

https://t.co/2mvrQItCdD

Mike White is very good at what he does, but his greatest talent thus far, without question, is convincing HBO to pay for his expensive, dream vacation spots multiple months at a time four times over.

girlfriend dressed up in a bunny suit and I blacked out for 9 entire hours

https://t.co/PTfBeaBvbS

Being a lifelong loser is really freeing. I have no idea what Slack even looks like. I’ve never had to “circle back” on anything. Just job after job where one of your coworkers might try to fistfight you but there’s not a pitch deck in sight

don’t text me for advice

my body is a Machine that turns alcohol into kindness and love

[picture of a squirrel on my phone] look at this

u would’ve thought i was the boston bomber

it’s really scary being a soup/sandwich girl in this grams of protein world

i am stoned and laying in bed reading and the idea of santa going on ozempic popped into my head and i whispered "no !"

https://t.co/HOvV0hwNVa

Most relevant tweet ever maybe

I love when a man is my plus 1 to an event, like let’s go baby you rolling with the big dawg tonight

(hiding something behind my back that's clearly writhing against my grip) do you guys like to freak out?

A man should post on Instagram once a year to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday and that's it