every day is dumber than the last

Wife: I don’t like non rippled potato chips. Me: You mean the ones you tell me to buy? Wife: yeah. You need to buy the ones you always buy. Not the ones I tell you to buy.

My kids: WE’RE HUNGRY Me: ok, I’ll make lunch Them: SO HUNGRY Me: I’m making it, I’m making it. Settle down. Them: …we’re dying please feed us… Me: Here, jeez, it’s all your favorite foods on one plate Them: instead of eating, let’s talk about times we were sad!

Successful trip for a member of the World Organization of Wowsers and a "My @wowintheworld" contributor to meet @AbsolutelyMindy and get their books signed!

.@SpeakerMcCarthy is gonna need to talk to @ConanOBrien about having your dream job for seven to eight months

⚾️ Immaculate Grid 167 9/9: Rarity: 100 IMMACULATE! 🟩🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩 Play at: https://t.co/yFF1WUj5QQ @immaculategrid x @baseball_ref

Both my kids (8 and 5) started absentmindedly singing the opening lines to @u2’s “Where the Streets Have No Name” so the Dad Rock indoctrination campaign is working.

My 5 year old daughter, frequently: my finger hurts. Me, every time: well now your back’s gonna hurt because you just pulled landscaping duty.

⁦@PescaGist⁩ ⁦@pescami⁩ seems like Hunga HungaRound would’ve been the obvious title construction here. Feels like you Bunga Bungaled it.

Daughter: I love my brother Me: that’s good; you’ll be siblings forever! Daughter: until we die.

The boy went to his room in his own the other day and asked Alexa to play Elvis Presley songs, so this is 1000% me.

I tried to throw the Bee by spelling “nine” “n-i-n” because the winner had to compete onstage in front of the whole school. #introvertproblems

Cc @tara_parsell

Every year, we get a hand-addressed, full-postage Christmas card to our house we bought almost 7 years ago. It’s addressed to the people from whom the people we bought our house from, bought the house. I’m bad at calling my family, but not THAT bad.

This is the future the liberals want: my son has already accepted that robots will be our benevolent overlords.

My five year old: @TimRyan tried to kill someone. My wife: no he didn't. 5yo: yes; he threw a football at a grandmother’s head. Two takeaways from Tim Ryan’s political ads: footballs kill and JD Vance looks like a grandmother?

Pre-Mor Security is basically the Empire crossed with the Mets

Shout out to the woman at Walmart at 8am this morning, dressed fully (and accurately) as Bette Midler’s character from Hocus Pocus, buying nothing but fancy feast.

Hope this is the last L you take for a while

Me, coming back into the house after I finally accomplished that thing my wife’s been asking me to do for like, six weeks now

“You know what? I’m going to invite you the the zoom right after this one.” Me: