John Mayer
@JohnMayer
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LIFE with John Mayer on @SiriusXM - Channel 14 Listen starting 11/22 at 11am PT / 2pm ET @lifewithjm
Joined July 2011
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
Europe and UK Solo Tour tickets are on sale now! Due to outsized demand, we have added additional dates in London and Amsterdam. I can’t wait to see your faces and to listen to
@madicunningham
play every night.
Head to for more information.
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If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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Idea: somebody should tell Trump they want to make a 3-D scan of his head for a statue but really it’s an MRI.
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They should let everyone on hold with customer service talk to one another.
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
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I needed to make a video for New Light but nobody could agree on a budget. (MUSIC INDUSTRY amirite?) So I went to a place downtown and made this with a company that usually does birthday and Bar Mitzvah videos. Link:
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I just sneezed really quietly and someone said “bless you” really quietly because they weren’t sure if I sneezed, and I said “thank you” really quietly because I wasn’t sure if they said “bless you.”
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Hi girls I'm John, single, I wear a patch for back pain and have a daily phone alarm set to remind me to take antacid. Real bad boy type.
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I loved Tom Petty and I covered his songs because I wanted know what it felt like to fly.
“you belong somewhere you feel free.”
💔
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How 2 tweet safely
1. Say ur tweet out loud
2. Pretend ur someone who hates u
3. Attack ur tweet from all angles
4. Wait 10 days
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The parents. Their children. The dead. The injured. The artist. Her band and other performers. The crew. Venue staff. All to be thought of.
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I spend an inordinate amount of time per day wondering if Nicki Minaj would like me or not.
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Wait... so basically Post Malone is fucking great? I wish I'd known this sooner. It's fine.
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Hey, you! Yes, you. I want to tell you something, and you have to believe me. You are loved. Can't always feel it, but you are. Trust me.
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Twitter is kinder than usual this week because it’s hard to be a hater when you’re sleeping at your parents house under their weird blankets.
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Merry Christmas. If you’re loving it this year, hold on because it goes by fast. If you’re not loving it this year, hold on because it goes by fast. ♥️
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Whenever I come home from a party, I like to play a little game called "why did I tell that story?"
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We've lost so many great artists lately. I give Justin 👍🏼👍🏼 for realizing it was time to call it. You should too. 2/2
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Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
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This is the perfect time to remind everyone that speaking out against hate and bigotry should be the LEAST CONTROVERSIAL stance ever.
I'd rather lose fans and stand up for what I believe in rather than be a bystander.
#sorrynotfuckingsorry
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I eat because I feel unsexy and I feel unsexy because I eat. ♻️
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When someone pulls remaining dates of a tour, it means they would have done real damage to themselves if they kept going. 1/2
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I was on Amazon choosing which address to ship to and ended up getting all emo about the streets and homes of past loves. I just wanted gum
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Reminder: we are all just sentient little sacks of meat and bones who want to be admired and hugged and thought about. The rest is put on.
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I haven’t written a song since April of ‘15. I just wrote a new one today. What a thrill.
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RT if you've ever walked around your house with your phone tucked in the waistline of your underwear
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My Music
Me: this is great
Reviews: “it’s alright.”
Me: yah it’s just alright.
Me listening six months later: whatever, this is great.
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“Sorry I’m late, I’m an adult man who still can’t time out when to get in the shower and believes that every place is 15 minutes away.”
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Nobody knows what day of the week it is. Any attempt to answer is mere bluster and bravado. It’s just dark and not 2018 yet.
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When you're brushing your teeth and your toothbrush runs off the rails and up into your gums and rips half of your face apart.
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Look, here’s the deal: if I had a 140 square foot apartment, and somebody magically doubled the size of it, I’m not gonna keep everything all cramped together and say “I’ll just use that other side of the apartment when I really need to.” I’m making that side a mess, too.
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Also,
@Harry_Styles
could have made any style record under the sun. And he chose to make honest, beautiful songcraft. Music world is 👌🏼✨
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I'm waiting for 3 minutes to feed my dog at 7pm sharp. Just killing time. Both of us. Staring at each other. This is who I have become
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No words. Just grief, sadness, and the never-ending attempt to make sense of something utterly senseless. Love to all in Las Vegas.
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time will reveal most ‘cool’ things as stupid, so you might as well just do your own thing.
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What if J.Cole someday has an idea for a great feature? Are we putting too much pressure on him to stay feature-free? I worry about things.
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I have data on songs for making them, not having them. Wishing you a healthy delivery. 🎁
Hi
@JohnMayer
. Baby's due on 7/31. Your show is on 7/29. Any labor-inducing tunes she should avoid? You must have data on this.
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Notice: Due to um, foreseen circumstances, I will not be working out today.
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Guys, I’m sorry. I lied to you. I don’t have 280 characters. I got all caught up in the excitement, and I guess I just wanted you to like m
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Can you even begin to imagine the unbridled joy you’d feel if you really knew how loved you are?
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The truest test of friendship is when two people drive to a party together but one leaves earlier and the other finds their own way home, and both are totally fine with it.
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You hang in there, Tom Petty. At least long enough to make it past this horrible day. You deserve a better sunset.
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I hope that by the time I have to explain Trump to my kids, they'll never have a frame of reference to understand how bad he really was.
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Thank you everyone for the well wishes. Had surgery yesterday and woke up to see some amazingly kind and loving tweets. I’m so sorry that we couldn’t finish out the last few dates of the tour. This band and these shows mean the world to me. Love you all dearly. ⚡️♥️⚡️
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Ever listen to a new song and wait for the beat to drop, and then about 3/4 the way through you have to face the fact there is no beat?
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Worst line I wrote today: “I must be made of stone, cause you’re taking me for granite.” I can do better. I will do better.
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Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.
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That you sleep next to someone for years and then one day you can’t anymore. My brain will never get it.
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Let's just admit that we have no idea which fruits go in the fridge and which don't so we can focus on not eating the fruit either way.
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One year ago today, I decided to give drinking a break. A very personal thing for everyone. For me, a constant return on investment.
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Come on. Admit it. You were doing some online Christmas present shopping and you bought some frivolous shit for yourself while you were at it, didn’t you? You totally did. I knew it.
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I’m no art collector, but damnit I would love to own an original Lisa Frank.
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I don't wanna talk on the phone but I'll trade voice notes with you for 90 minutes.
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Dip that big L word in the water. "I love spending time with you." "I love your laugh." Then when you know them for about 30 mins, go for it
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Me: “Nice to meet you.”
Them: “We’ve met before! You wouldn’t remember.”
Me: “Well then it’s nice to meet you.”
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Yes.
@chancetherapper
inspired me to make an entire song up on the spot tonight.
@JohnMayer
any artists under the age of 30 inspiring you right now? Alessia Cara killed it w you
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Can we please stop taking the vowels out of words to make them appear cooler? THNKS
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Alive
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Please don’t read my order back to me. I don’t care if you get it completely wrong. My choices are arbitrary anyway. I stand for nothing. And a Diet Coke please.
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It’s weird watching your friends’ Instagram stories featuring a friend you don’t know, and they’re goofin’ it up, dancing and singing into a spoon with cake mix on it, and your friend is laughing hysterically and you’re like “I️ love seeing my friends happy, it’s fine” the end
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This is gorgeous
@ygofficialblink
#ros
É
#BLACKPINKINYOURAREA
잠시 후 9시, JTBC #바라던바다 에
#로제 가 출연합니다📺
오늘도 #블링크 에게 환상적인 시간을
선물할 챙이와 함께해 주세요🖤💖
▶️
#BLACKPINK
#블랙핑크
#ROS
É
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DENVER YOU WERE AMAZING TONIGHT I didn’t play a show there nor am I even in the state but I have no reason to believe differently.
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If I were a social influencer I’d never buy groceries. I’d just post stuff like “Bounty really is the quicker picker upper” and then wait
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I know I shouldn't talk sports, but trump's comments re:NFL further prove he's hellbent on poisoning all aspects of American life.
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Whenever there's a thunderstorm, I always have this secret little wish that the power will go out. That's like a trophy for storms.
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s/o to everyone practicing an instrument in their room tonight, pretending they’re on stage.
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If you have to go both over the river and through the woods to get to grandma’s house, there’s a good chance she doesn’t want company.
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Someone shared some useless drama with me and I said "would you mind terribly if I didn't care?" and I thought it was a delightful burn.
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Reminder: nobody cares what you think about how somebody feels.
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7/26/17: The day it became empirically clear this is pathological, not political.
#transrightsarehumanrights
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Stomach is tired from laughing, I’m overwhelmed by kindness from all, and I’m so grateful for the life in music You’ve given me. Thank you.
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When I was a kid we didn’t have Netflix or iPhones. When we wanted to watch something we’d close our eyes and press on them really hard.
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-Instagram’s explore page-
IG: hey here’s some videos of tubas
Me: *clicks on videos of tubas*
IG: Great! We’ll show you lots of videos of tubas from now on since you like them so much.
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I unsubscribed from a bunch of email lists today, and now I’m kind of lonely and wondering what Zappos is up to.
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I wish tweets didn't cap at 140 characters. I wanna use phrases like "far be it from me to tell someone else how to live their life, but"
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Every tweet you write falls apart if you stare at it long enough.
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gunshot loudness: 160 decibels
Accidentally dropping down toilet seat rim: 8,000
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Confession: while I’m annoyed by people who talk loudly/act obnoxiously in public, I secretly admire their lack of self consciousness.
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What Bob Ross taught us is that you can have a good thing going (painting), mess it up with impulsiveness (giant tree trunk in center of painting) but save it in the end with hard work and dedication (addition of highlights, snow.)
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I’m 39.965 years old. This is what we call a cliffhanger, ladies and gentlemen.
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Someone smoked in my hotel room. *sniffs* Six days ago. American Spirit, yellow pack. Two of them. Butane lighter.
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Sometimes I sit and wonder if I’m friends with anyone who likes cinnamon gum.
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Sending my unending thoughts, concern, love and hope to those in Manchester.
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