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Mike Cannon Profile
Mike Cannon

@IamMikeCannon

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15,550
Following
1,121
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962
Statuses
9,083

stand up | booking: jj @33andwest .com | Tour Dates | watch my comedy specials | co-host @chrissychaospod | all links 👇🏼

New Yawk
Joined March 2009
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
I released two comedy specials this year. One hour of material with “White Privilege Homeless” and another hour of crowd work (on edibles) with “Huge Mistake.” Check them out and share with a friend if you like them. WPH: BM:
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
1 year
They haven’t been this happy since 9/12/01
@brfootball
B/R Football
1 year
Saudi Arabia have declared tomorrow a national holiday after their 2-1 win against Argentina 🥳
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
There is nobody on earth that loves their kids and doesn’t regret having 7 of them more than Alec Baldwin
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
Pete davidson is a great starter white for kim kardashian
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
dude imagine chris rock just watching people stand and clap for an incoherent speech about how god made him slap the fuck out of somebody? Lol
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
Ah yes Amazon, the cruelty free platform
@WSJ
The Wall Street Journal
2 years
Neil Young is directing fans to Amazon Music, as streaming services that carry his music have been promoting it in the days since he pulled his content from Spotify over his criticism of podcaster Joe Rogan
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
I am 1 year without a sip of alcohol today. It started as an “in solidarity” thing with my wife during the pregnancy, and now I really enjoy being thin and not hungover. No idea how long I’ll go, but if you know me and how much I love booze, 1 year is wild.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
5 years
Justin Trudeau and Ken Jeong are killing it.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
Today is 3 years no booze. It started as a solidarity thing with my pregnant wife and now I enjoy having a jawline and no debilitating hangover. I’m also a better comic, husband and father or some shit.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
8 months
My new favorite social media game is “Do nurses make enough money to travel internationally to 5 star resorts several times a year or is this girl I knew in high school an escort?”
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
Today marks 2 years since I’ve had a sip of alcohol. That’s 47 years quarantine time. I honestly can’t believe it. I’m a better husband, father and comic because of it. Also I have a jawline now. Thanks to none of my friends for their support!
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
5 years
My son got his first vaccines today and I gotta say he’s settling into autism nicely.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
10 months
@DailyLoud
Daily Loud
10 months
Bam Margera threatens to smoke crack until he’s dead unless he sees his son Phoenix 😳😔
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
1 year
4 years alcohol free today. I have my bachelors degree in being boring with a minor in functioning relationships with loved ones. Really great decision, I’m glad I made it.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
The irony here is that the nurses gloves are too big
@TheRealOJ32
O.J. Simpson
3 years
Get your shot. I got mine!!!
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
An oscar is pretty cool but have you ever given yourself a pat on the back?
@RealRonHoward
Ron Howard
2 years
Tho it’s not mandatory and it’s a pain, I’m masking it for my flight today. For myself, for others.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
This is like Leonardo DiCaprio flying private while eating oil spilled duck on his way to a save the environment conference
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
5 years
If SNL doesn’t act quickly they’re gonna lose support from all the people and blogs that call for their cancellation every year.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
5 years
Lol at the comics that see Shane’s firing as a personal victory for them. Just because he’s out of a job doesn’t mean you move up a spot or start performing at venues that are capable of paying you in anything besides hookah. You’re still exactly who you are.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
5 years
At least Antonio Brown signing to the Patriots shows the kids of America that there are real consequences for your behavior and people are not rewarded for being spoiled pieces of shit.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
Mayor Pete pulled out so fast I shit all over the floor.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
@DanBilzerian Dan Bilzerian: A Life Spent Trying to Have a Conversation with 19 Year Olds
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
Breaking: Guy who spikes the controller into pieces and punches a hole in the TV every time he loses a video game doesn’t understand why people are looting and destroying property in protest.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
5 years
Dina Hashem is hilarious. If you’re a comedian that joins an outraged mob against a peer over a joke than you’re out. No negotiations. No apologies. Beat it. Go play golf.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
If you’re entering a hate/anger/depression spiral, may I suggest this video as a way of pulling out of it. It worked for me.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
Crazy that Brett Favre is shooting a Wrangler ad in the middle of this
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
Every time the barber gingerly moves my mask aside to cut my sideburns it feels like he’s taking my panties off.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
So Kris Jenner hides Kanye’s meds every time he has an album coming out, right? That’s the theory we’ve all landed on?
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
If Seth Rogan had any balls he’d make the interview 2 about Putin
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
Everyone relax, the Pope only gave that woman a smack on the wrist - just like she was any other child molester in the Catholic Church.
@CNN
CNN
4 years
Pope Francis smacks woman's hand to free himself from her grip
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
New comic with 40 friends in the audience energy
@therecount
The Recount
3 years
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) at CPAC: "Orlando is awesome. It's not as nice as Cancun."
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
White women have absolutely not co-opted the woke movement.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
I’m picturing Trump in bed playing video games holding his thermometer against a lamp saying he can’t go to president today.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
This wouldn’t be happening if the good viruses had guns.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 months
5 years no booze today. I’d like to thank the millions of milligrams of THC that has helped me along this journey.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
Kinda cool that early 2000s fashion and the taliban are coming back at the same time
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
We fled the city and highly recommend that every one else retreat to their second or third homes as well. Take this opportunity to reflect and appreciate how much better you (I) have it than others. Namaste 🙏🏼
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
1 year
don’t sweat anything too much this is what happens when we die
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
Guys just stay inside and if things get tough, take a walk through one of your 3 gardens or blow off some steam in your 2,000 square foot home gym or sweat out the panic from not earning a livable wage in your infrared saunas. We can all be heroes!
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
The peleton told me to get savage but now my family is dead what do I do?
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
1 year
Tom Brady knew coming back for one more year would result in his divorce. Now he gets to enjoy his retirement as a single, rich, sports legend. Yet again the goat executed down the stretch.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
7 months
Megan Rapinoe has been depressed since missing her final penalty kick
@BrendanSagalow
Brendan Sagalow
7 months
I look like Turkey Legolas
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
1 year
Pat Sajak just dunked from the free throw line on this dude
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
This lady is in the front row every time I perform on Long Island
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
Just a reminder that Tim Allen was the original Tekashi69. Dude got busted with a ton of blow and immediately snitched. Now he’s buzz lightyear and Santa Clause.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
I shook the absolute shit out of this kid...and then missed. Clearly an #SCTop10 play
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
Non alcoholic beer: get fat with absolutely none of the fun
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
5 years
My kid is being born this week, so I’m getting a haircut today to ensure that he thinks I’m good looking.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
RIP to West 3rd St McDonald’s i. NYC. The only place you could get a Big Mac, assaulted, and a $175 8 ball of Splenda
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
Here’s the trailer to my 1st COMEDY SPECIAL! It comes out 1/24/2020 on - I need all the help I can get spreading the word so please RT/SHARE/develop a bot to continuously watch. I think it’s really good and I got some of my favorite comics ever to be in it
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
Could it be?
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
His name was Robert Paulson
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
1 year
Today the Toronto mayor just resigned while I was onstage in Toronto and a podcast broke up while I was their guest. If anyone’s looking for a divorce invite me over for dinner.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
I’m a week away from just saying who I don’t like.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 months
Does this mean that anyone who’s ever said that there’s a secret society of underground sewer Jews running around nyc gets their job back?
@CollinRugg
Collin Rugg
3 months
JUST IN: Chaos breaks out in New York City after underground tunnels were discovered under the Chabad Lubavitch World Headquarters in Brooklyn. The incident below reportedly took place to prevent a cement truck from filling the tunnels. According to the Crown Heights Info, the…
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
I’ve done coke with a lot of guys that say “If you obeyed the law in the first place there wouldn’t be an issue.”
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
5 years
I get called alt-right by some and a lib cuck homo by others. I am in the unique position of appealing to no one.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
I just heard someone proudly tell their friend about a Twitter fight that they “won” and it made me realize that there is a legal grey area when it comes to beheadings.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
Quick everyone write the same joke about Louie releasing a special while everyone’s locked inside GO GO GO!!! Twitter is really the Seal Team 6 of hacks.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 months
Always nice meeting a fan! Thanks for stopping and saying hi
@BrendanSagalow
Brendan Sagalow
3 months
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
You can tell this is some people’s first time being not racist and they’re very excited about it.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
1 year
Welp we did it 🙏🏼 If you still need tix there may be some released in the next hour, so keep checking the site. Thank you to everyone who’s coming. I can’t wait.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
Every household in America could’ve had free home tests and masks if they syphoned just a few bucks from the take down joe rogan budget.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
Lol I would’ve been hysterically crying
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
This ripped
@nbcsnl
Saturday Night Live - SNL
3 years
joke swap timeee 💀 #SNLFinale
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
5 years
All non-violent criminals should be in therapy not prison, unless they make a joke that hurts my feelings then please lock them away forever.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
#BREAKING follow up: On her way into police custody Ghislaine Maxwell tripped and fell into a lion pit where she also shot herself 38 times in the head and chest.
@NBCNewYork
NBC New York
4 years
#BREAKING : Jeffrey Epstein confidante, British socialite and heiress Ghislaine Maxwell, has been arrested by the FBI, sources tell @Jonathan4NY
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
@bertkreischer An Arizona can dosed with molly
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
Dear Google: where can I drive 35 miles to pay $80+ for a rapid test that gives a 40% accurate response?
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
This is what happens when your husband is a world class (division III junior college basketball) athlete!
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
5 years
@LailaMickelwait You mean colleges might actually offer a degree that will result in earning real dollars immediately? Not on my watch!
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
I’m starting a new web show called “comedians commenting on comedy news that nobody but comedians care about” This tweet is the first topic.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
Someone’s a bit rusty...
@nypost
New York Post
3 years
German crematorium struggles to keep up with surge in COVID-19 deaths
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
5 years
When I talk passionately about comedy just understand that it’s the most important thing in my life and I will fight for it to the death. Now that that’s out of the way I’m performing in a crab restaurant in Delaware tonight. Come out!
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
Oakley’s should only be worn by outfielders and alcoholics. Nobody else.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
Cable Guy is one of the best comedy movies of all time.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
There is nothing you can do to Lola Bunny that would make me not want to have sex with her.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
Not enough credit is given to Ace Ventura 2. It’s a completely original premise, not a call back fest and funny as farts. The Rhino birthing scene! Top tier comedy sequel and everybody should talk about it more often than I assume they are.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
Me when my wife takes a deep breath and says “fine”
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
Frank Rigaton American Hero is standing up to tyranny and opening his gym!!! Thanks to @realDonaldTrump for the inspiration and guidance, especially medically.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
pretty cool that Demi Lovato came out as they/them/Lloyd Christmas
@ddlovato
Demi Lovato
3 years
Every day we wake up, we are given another opportunity & chance to be who we want & wish to be. I’ve spent the majority of my life growing in front of all of you… you’ve seen the good, the bad, & everything in between.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
5 years
My wife’s best friend is pregnant now too. Their mothers were pregnant together and they’ve been snickering about it for weeks. I’m 100% convinced they planned this without my knowledge. This is the real Ocean’s 8: The Great Cum Heist.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
Is joe burrow the kid from full house?
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
Put this on my tombstone, urn or receptacle that’s launched into space.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
They cut right before we locked lips, so we basically just kissed for fun. We made MSG progressive for a night.
@dannyyhiggs
Danny▫️
4 years
Ayyy @HistoryHyenas the pancake @chrisdcomedy For sure not gay but for sure NOT straight 😂
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
My new special “White Privilege Homeless” is now LIVE on my YouTube. Like it, comment and share! This was 100% independently made. Directed and edited by @nyvideoguy with @homelesspimp on 2nd cam. They killed it. I’m really proud of it. I hope you like it.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
These ppl are actors lol. Their flared nostrils and pregnant pauses don’t make this come off as “authentic” or “in the moment.” It’s literally acting class 101 tricks to make it seem like they give a shit. You’d think after “Imagine” they’d sit this 1 out
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
@KFCBarstool I know that walk. They are 100% on mushrooms.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
5 years
I just caught my wife refilling my mouth wash with generic CVS brand like she’s a bartender in the Dominican Republic. If I show up dead please delete my draft folder.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
I sold out a comedy club this weekend bc you guys/gals/thems have been passing my special around to friends. That’s what it’s all about. I did this 100% independently and I’m continuing to roll out extra clips from the full hour. WATCH + SHARE
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
Dear LA podcasts - Not everybody listens to your show in a Prius. Some of us are trying to hear you above the rumble and screeching of a subway or a neighboring Caribbean woman screaming at her drunk husband. Raise your levels please. Thanks. Love, A very specific listener
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
I’ve seen at least 10 dudes wearing Supreme call people “sheep” during this pandemic.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
Will Tom Brady join a broadcasting team in retirement or will he start an onlyfans with his son?
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
I am crying laughing.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
You say Cuomo is sexually harassing women and I say he’s celebrating his Italian culture
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
1 year
Well this nice young lady is about to get beheaded
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
4 years
Can’t believe he did all that work while fighting that fight. Legitimately heroic.
@THR
The Hollywood Reporter
4 years
Actor Chadwick Boseman, who played Black icons Jackie Robinson and James Brown before finding fame as the regal Black Panther in the Marvel cinematic universe, died Friday of cancer, his representative said. He was 43.
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
3 years
Getting a joke removed from TikTok for being offensive is actually a pretty nice compliment since they survive on 14 year olds dancing with their assholes out in the wind
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@IamMikeCannon
Mike Cannon
2 years
Lebron passed karl malone in all time points scored but I don’t know if he’ll ever pass him in getting 13 year olds pregnant
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