Disappointed Optimist
@disappoptimism
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I did a good tweet once, you won't have read it because it was on another twitter. See something that concerns you on the TL? Drop me a DM. They/Them.
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Pinned Tweet
*waits for it*
*waits for personal insult based on my Twitter profile*
*knows it's coming*
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The Oompa Loompa from the knock off Wonka land experience looks like she’s running a literal meth lab and is seriously questioning the life choices up until this point. If you scripted this, I would say it was too on the nose
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“What do you mean the carpet is killing people?! Carpet can’t -“
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Incredible reply. Outstanding. A modern art masterpiece.
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Boat hit it mate. It’s right there in the picture.
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Bloke I used to work with in the city literally shit himself as he crossed the finishing line in crippling agony; over the next 5 days some of his toenails dropped off & his girlfriend who was waiting for him at the finishing line stopped returning his texts
what if you had a boyfriend (imagine) who was doing the marathon and you went to meet him at the end and you saw him cobbling towards you, shivering in this little tin foil shawl and you got the ick
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I just believe we need to have a long think about what people are doing as a result of Tik Tok
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Big Bens clock has stopped; horses are running loose in London covered in blood. All we need now is all the ravens to leave the Tower of London & we got a full set of portents of woe.
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The Conservative government has applied tougher sanctions upon people on Universal Credit than they have upon Russia.
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I will never get over the BBCs enthusiasm for sending reporters into shitty weather for the benefit of absolutely no one
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Toby Young, dead.
If you could have dinner with one author, dead or alive, who would it be?
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Incredible “regional manager meets store manager” energy about this photo
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Everyone remembers this right? This is gold
who are the internet main characters of the day you still think about? good, bad, indifferent, who's stuck with you. can be any era
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Beware that Alexa AI can be used for both good and evil - and that this is a subjective matter for us all
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Someone asked an AI to render what Ken Loach’s version of Star Wars would look like and….
I think I want to see it now
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Oh MATE imagine the copies you’re going to have in your loft
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Think you’re having a bad day?
19m people just saw Time utterly shit the bed over basic geography.
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@nypost
Do Caprio should Not to be mistaken for the bowl, pepper grinder or the lady in the blanket. Marked for reference purposes
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Entertainer Jonny Buchardt at Karneval Köln in 1973 awakens the muscle memory of the Nazi regime.
Really shows how deeply ingrained it all was.
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In many ways; this is the end of a uniquely British scam story really
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Is this one of the finest photoshop efforts of our time?
I think it may be
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Just been reminded that David Blaine did 44 days in a Perspex box suspended over the Thames in London & we Brits just wanted to fuck with him:
I’m so proud of our nation.
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Can’t believe the cocaine industry now has higher standards & better pricing value than the UK water industry
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Oh that’s terrible. A 16 year old girl sentenced to 12 years? What a tragedy what could… hey what that’s little icon about?
Oh. Oh right.
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@Scientits
Yeah I had forgotten the bleeding nipples thing as well. This guy just shart himself but I’m led to understand this is not uncommon
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I have to ask:
Has anyone from the Express editorial team ever sat down & explained why they utterly they failed their readers?
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Fully expecting someone to come along and mention this is some kind of projective insecure behaviour & bad
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Thank you to the fuckers who bought my 4 year old a harmonica for his birthday you utter sociopaths
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Alanis Morissette is going to do her fucking nut
Our target is to amass ONE MILLION spoons from all over the world from kids! Spoons for peace!!!🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄💓
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My boy showed me something he made at pre school and now I fear soon I will wake up in a Wickerman being sacrificed to the Dark Gods of the woods
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So… Wagner has just had Dom Cummings openly admit Boris Johnson chucked cash at the national press during covid.
I am betting I can name the press it was as well. This is a story.
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Me: video social media is the death of online culture. It is pointless. It is dross.
Also me:
Watch this video. You must. With the sound on.
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This is a trap isn’t it? I go to get a cucumber, it’s actually one of many tentacles, I’m dragged screaming into the box?
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Them:
“So when are you thinking of returning to the office?”
Me:
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Ah, so Uber has been around for a while
“The Drunk Basket.” In the 1960s, bars in Istanbul would hire someone to carry drunk people back to their homes.
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It’s a little known fact that it is tank harvesting season for Ukrainian farmers right now - and it’s a bumper crop this year
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Don’t bother clicking:
The answer is having staff.
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@Nick_Pettigrew
When Martin Lewis said the words
“I’ve got nothing left” I found it haunting because it was literally the full stop on a sentence of impoverishment for some people somewhere.
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@nytopinion
Every. Single. Person. Born. In. UK.
That’s how a national health service works. Nationally. For everyone.
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Yeah the headline is probably just exaggerating let’s just check the GOOD LORD
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See on one hand:
The internet is a curse.
On the other:
This content. It is unsurpassed
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Incredible scenes as Lord Bethell promptly recalls a message from Mone to defend Sunak. Which would have been just dandy but…
Didn’t he tell the covid enquiry he lost his phone?
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@emilysears
It’s a niche and if you manage to somehow get the strength in your hair to do it it’s going to blow minds on a photoshoot
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This is… this is… amazing. Gold.
You simply wouldn’t get this kind of interaction on a normal platform.
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I just want to blow your mind:
The hobby model gaming company Games Workshop pays about a 4% dividend & is more valuable than the UK fishing industry.
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Absolutely wild:
Guy did a thread on how he narrowly missed out one being part of this dream content -
Ok so legit i was offered £500 four days before this event to play a “captivating role” within the immersive experience.
Something felt really fishy about it, so I turned it down, but I will regret not getting a front row seat to the behind-the-scenes till the day I die
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@DmitryOpines
I’ve dealt with McKinsey three times in my career; the second time a senior consultant said “we are not here to tell you answers; but to facilitate progress” and that confirmed my suspicions
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You will always earn my unwanted respect by laser guided application of Simpsons memes
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“The windmill blades of the Moulin Rouge in Paris have fallen. Bloody horses run in the streets of London & Big Ben no longer kept the right time.
The age of the west is over man.”
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@Ed_Miliband
Opposition isn’t much snuff either sadly.
Look Ed, just want to say sorry:
I laughed at the bacon sandwich photo like many - but in hindsight this was childish & not helpful.
Sorry.
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At Christmas we bought the boys desks for their new bedrooms. The eldest was unusually excited for this; in turn asking Father Christmas for pens & pencils & writing paper.
I walked in on him, on Christmas Day, surreptitiously scribbling away at his just before bedtime
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“What’s going on?”
“Moons escaping”
“What?”
(I get giant butterfly net and head back out door)
“Moons escaping”
Meanwhile in China...
A giant moon escaped the Moon Festival in Henan province on Monday morning.
Some natural satellites just can't be caged 🌝
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@ambergambler_
I mean, they do look like good potatoes but I just think he needs to soften his approach here
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What tortoises get up to when they think no one is looking
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STRAP IN UNITED KINGDOM HERE COMES CAPTAIN FUCKWIT
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Love it when a story like this develops - so turns out the guy behind this is quite the weegie scam artist - including loading lots of LLM generated conspiracy books to Amazon
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If I was Olly Robbins I would absolutely be getting a shit hot employment lawyer lined up
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So just checking:
Anybody die because of 5G masts and their covid vaccine going off?
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I mean:
No, this is simply not true.
People who think like this are normally the ones who are horrid drunks to be around tbh
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@ScribblerEvans
Few folks saying it’s a sexy costume & im worried now I’ve developed standards or something
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Little known fact that Oscar the grouch swapped sides during the troubles
Between season 1 and 2 of Sesame Street, Oscar the Grouch changed from orange to green.
The canonical explanation is that during a trip to Swamp Mushy Muddy, Oscar became so covered in moss that he turned green. If Oscar took a shower he’d be orange again.
But he never showers
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Look I’m one of these homeowners & even I find this distasteful now:
They are homes. Not assets. People need them. This whole thing creates intrinsic economic problems for the country & has to be reformed somehow.
Good news for homeowners with average house price predicted to be £45,000 higher by 2028 👇
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This still remains one of the funniest bits of news footage out there
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