Carol @caroledwine 🐳
@caroledwine
Followers
35,318
Following
9,152
Media
3,645
Statuses
70,183
I'm a lawyer, but I also have some useful skills. Tweets ≠ legal advice. Progressive AF. Married with Children. Life is Funny. Cohost @pardonpod
New York - Suburbs Edition
Joined May 2010
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The same men who want to control my uterus can't even stand to hear me talk about my period.
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The Cat Union has not agreed to eat its dinner one hour later, and firmly rejects the end of daylight savings.
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The world is stressful so I am going to build a Lego set and smoke some weed.
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My husband’s company is making all staff come back into the offices starting this week, so today we went into the city and cleaned out his desk.
Also I guess he quit.
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Do liberals own pickup trucks?
This is a serious question.
Thank you.
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I'm afraid of my kids being shot to death in school.
You're afraid of your kids knowing about trans people.
We are not the same.
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Elon Musk withdrew his bid to buy Twitter?
I’m sure the 100 trolls who told me I was an idiot for suggesting it was a pump and dump scheme will be apologizing imminently.
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Thursday
Today I started lexapro.
I have resisted for years because I “didn’t want to be dependent” on something, but can no longer pretend my anxiety is manageable, or subject myself to it out of “principle.”
I need and deserve this help, and I’m not embarrassed to say so.
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@BlackKnight10k
They obviously want him gone. He violated the first rule of cocaine orgy club.
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Our AirBNB host, who lives in the house next door, went out and bought arts and crafts supplies for my kids, just because he was delighted to have kids around.
How nice is that?!
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Tonight my daughter (4) told me I had “teeny tiny boobies” and then laughed derisively. WTAF? She’s the first four year old to make my shit list.
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@CalltoActivism
I’m not saying this is right but Hollywood was done with her 20 years ago because she got fat. They didn’t “just” blackball her. She was famous because she was hot and then she gained a lot of weight and they didn’t want her any more. So, the real reason is much worse.
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What part of owning a BMW makes someone drive like such a tremendous asshole?
(Fight me!)
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I’m sorry that we’ve offered you so few places to sit down.
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Did we not cancel Hobby Lobby hard enough the first time? Quit shopping there, already! You really don't need any more wooden blocks that say "HOME" or "BLESSED," anyway.
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Today’s
#DoggoAndDress
doubles as
#FancyFriday
.
Am I going anywhere? No! Do I care? Also no!
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@DiamondandSilk
@lavern_spicer
I'm at my lucrative job that doesn't involve scamming for donations. Where are you?
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Do you have a plan to vote on or before November 8th?
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I’m tired of the right using “groomer” as a catch all for everything they don’t like.
A groomer is a person who earns trust and then coaches someone into accepting victimization, usually sexual.
Letting kids learn that it’s ok to be LGBTQA isn’t “grooming” them.
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I feel like this shouldn't have to be said, but telling a woman she'd look prettier without glasses is zero steps above suggesting she smile.
I know what I look like with and without my glasses. I've had my face for 37 years and I wear the glasses on purpose.
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@Brian_Sauve
Dear Brian,
What you're describing is a "you problem," not a "me problem."
And the only reason I need to have to post whatever I want is that I felt like doing it.
You seem troubled, you should seek out an atheist for help.
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@Swallowyerpride
You presumably know how masturbation will end. Did you stop after the first time?
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To avoid writing it out another 50 times, my husband found another job before quitting. Thank you for your concern: we will be fine.
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I'd say I don't want to brag, but I won't lie to you:
I sat in on a Board Meeting today and got to hear one of the Directors praise my work, enough to make me blush.
Often my work is the thing I'm least confident about, so it was really nice to hear, and I'm feeling great!
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Happy Tuesday from me and Dmitri and our matching coats.
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Am I the only one who hates "pleasantries" in the work place? I know you don't care how I'm doing, just tell me what you want from me.
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If you’re thinking about telling someone they should change their body in some way, stop, think, and then don’t f*cking do it, you rude piece of sh*t.
If you’re thinking of making a joke about eating disorders, don’t f*cking do it. Eating disorders aren’t a topic for humor.
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What are you guys doing tonight? I was thinking about putting a pillow over my face and screaming!
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When you show up somewhere and there’s a new puppy nobody mentioned to you. And then you steal the puppy.
#PuppoInPouch
.
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I forgot to post about it yesterday, but Jan 20, 2022 is the 10 year anniversary of when I learned I was in remission from Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.
While I feel lucky every day, each year mark brings a special kind of relief and gratitude.
Life is great and I’m thrilled to be here!
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Cookie Recipe: Prep Time, 18 minutes.
Me, 75 minutes later:
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Shout out to those who’ve lost their mothers, those who’ve lost a child, those who struggle with their mothers/children, those who’ve struggled to become mothers, and those who don’t meet the traditional role of “mother.”
There is enough love and kindness to go around today! ❤️
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Happy Sunday!
Bear is going home today. I will miss and not miss having a puppy.
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I can’t think of any way to better signal what a loser you are than continuing to fly a Trump flag 7 months after he lost the election.
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@AndrewHGiuliani
@RudyGiuliani
Thoughts and prayers to your family during this difficult time.
Someone tapped my grandmother on the back once, and she’s dead now.
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“Happy” Saturday.
This is my last bag of frozen cider donuts.
Safe to say I’m taking a road trip to the orchard next weekend!
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Jinkies, everybody! I’m feeling like Velma Dinkley after spending the afternoon switching things up on my head. Can’t wait to style it myself!
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Don’t underestimate the therapeutic benefits of beating the sh*t out of something.
Best birthday gift!
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@elonmusk
How many of those remaining programmers are on employment based visas and didn’t have the freedom of movement to accept the severance offer?
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Is there any smell better than honeysuckle on a June evening?
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I’ve recently started watching the Supergirl series, and, as such, I just wanted to confirm that the below are, very obviously, two completely different women.
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I’ve reached 1000 followers 🎉
In recognition of that, here are some selfies I took in such places as next to some Amazon boxes and in front of a sink.
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Neither of us is impressed by today’s
#DoggoAndDress
, but I’m unreasonably proud of myself for showering and getting dressed today.
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Buying Halloween candy early is a fallacy. You know you're just going to eat it and have to buy more. Don't lie to yourself.
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I should wear this to walk the dog right? RIGHT?
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Please do me a favor and keep everything crossed for my sweet niece, who is currently in the OR having a kidney transplant. And for her grandfather's kind and generous wife, who is in there too, making the donation.
🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞
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Dogs should have to wait around and watch humans poop, too.
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Happy Sunday!
My first baby turns five today. Happy birthday to my brilliant, funny, creative and sweet daughter. Though she be but little, she is fierce.
If you leave a cute gif or pic I’ll show it to her and she’ll smile.
Have a great day!
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Thinking of starting a YouTube channel where I livestream myself sitting near tools and having too much anxiety to do any home improvements.
Episode 1 will be called, “Crying Next to the Pressure Washer My Friend Loaned Me.”
#HomeUnProvements
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Good morning, happy Wednesday!
Somebody blocked me over my robe photo last night. Announced it and everything! So, enjoy it! Or freak out and tell everyone you’re blocking me!
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Happy Tuesday!
My girl wanted to come with me to help make the coffee and breakfast. Of course this is the opposite of helpful but she’s so sweet. I miss wearing the kids like this and it was nice to get these mobile morning snuggles.
I hope you’re off too a lovely day!
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Guess where I’m going tonight?
They are going to take away my phone so I won’t be answering :P
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Do republican voters actually BELIEVE they are voting for individual freedoms?
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I just asked my four year old if she knows where my colored pencils are, and she told me I need to be responsible for my own stuff.
Not sure whether I’ve succeeded in teaching her to be responsible or condescending.
#MomMoment
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Are you telling me it’s not pronounced “Jizz Lane”?
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It’s kind of lame how excited I am to sleep in new sheets tonight. I’m going to shower first because that’s the best feeling ever.
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My kids are having a sleepover tonight with their three cousins. They’ll be 4, 4, 4, 5 and 6. At my house. Wish me luck :)
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For the record, I followed up immediately by telling him “I won’t let you speak to me this way and your behavior is extremely inappropriate.”
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As we've concluded human urine can't cure COVID, you might as well go back to drinking mountain dew, which tastes exactly the same.
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Thank you to the 10,000 people who decided to follow me, and to everyone else who has been subjected to my tweets and hasn't gone out of their way to block me. Tweeting with, to, and at you, continues to be a great pleasure.
💕Mwah💕
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Very few things more unsettling to find while picking up toys off the floor.
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I know you are probably bored of
#DoggoAndDress
, so, I bring you
#CatAsAHat
.
(Jk I’m still absolutely going to post my dog/dress pics whether you like it or not).
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If you see a beautiful woman dining alone, leave her the fuck alone.
You're arrive your local restaurant, and you notice this young woman sitting alone.
How do you open?
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I’m angry that companies who have successfully had a fully remote workforce for 15 months are now arbitrarily demanding a return to the office.
IMO this is a pure power move to exert control over employees. It shows a complete lack of respect and appreciation for workers.
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Our plans didn’t shake out like we’d hoped, due to a questionable at home rapid test for little dude.
Are we disappointed? Absolutely: this sucks!
But we’re together in a safe, warm house, little dude has no signs of illness, and we have sweet matching jammies.
#Perspective
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I’ve noticed I get the least engagement on posts that mention my period.
MENSTRUATION!
~50% of adults deal with it often, and there is no shame or taboo in that.
Do not care if you think talking about a universal issue is TMI.
Thank you for coming to my RED talk.
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My daughter is supposed to be taking a nap and she seems to think I can’t hear her playing in there. With wind chimes...
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Nobody is coming to rescue us.
YOU have to be the change.
YOU have to be the leader.
We have to save ourselves.
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All of you cat-servants know why I keep my nightstand water inside the drawer, yes?
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It's not that I felt the need to drink in the middle of the workday, it's just that I wanted a Bloody Mary and they don't taste as good without vodka.
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Don't ever take a road trip with me unless you're prepared to hear me sing along with every song, including most of the guitar parts.
This tweet is based on several true stories.
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I wasn’t really an atheist until I joined Twitter. Interacting with atheists didn’t sway me toward atheism: religious zealots did.
There’s leading by example, and there’s apparently leading away from your example.
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On today’s
#DoggoAndDress
, Luna truly had the starring role.
Clearly, she is thrilled about it!
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@mayatcontreras
@mtgreenee
Yes and if she connects all the pins she’ll find Q’s latest message!
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