Carmen Lagala
@CarmenLagala
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Following
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269
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Stand-up comic seen on Colbert and @cysknyc . @carmstagrams on Instagrams and Threads
Joined September 2012
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Left the back door open at my friend's house and her roomba escaped. Hope he goes on an adventure and cleans the whole world
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Women: I have a stalker, he threatened to kill me.
Police: Cool, can you call us when he actually does that?
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Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
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I know it's because of capitalism but also I think maybe someone from the CDC had to quarantine with their mom for 10 days and was like "actually 5 days is fine"
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Pre-workout: I would rather kill myself than exercise right now
Post-workout: exercise is the only thing keeping me from killing myself
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My cat has witnessed, for FREE, what would probably amount to a lot of money if I had an OnlyFans
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Good news, he's back home and functioning with a fresh appreciation for indoors--the story circle is complete
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Me in the shower: I have to leave this pre-conditioning moss and fig hair mask in for 15 minutes, which is perfect because I can simulataneously do my pink Himalayan salt foot soak!
Boyfriend in the shower: nice, this face wash is also dog shampoo
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I need to get covid tested again because it's been 5 days since I was last exposed in the waiting room of a covid testing center
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My dad said "I've only been with 3 women" and I said "me too...this week!" and he DID NOT LAUGH so now I guess he thinks I'm out here absolutely crushing puss
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Spare me those boringass lists of industry-groomed "up-and-comers" under 25 and give me the rundown on my grizzled, vibrantly bitter 40+ fucks
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Staying at a woman's house:
Here are three towels, a charcoal face masque, snacks, I changed the sheets, I love guests!!
Staying at a man's house:
You can lay on this pile of rags, there's no soap in the whole house, avoid my roommate Carl, he hates people
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Stand-up is so random. You could have a netflix special and then get rejected from some shit called "Beans Beans Beans Comedy Fest"
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In addition to systemic racism, I'm also blaming us white people when the protest chants get out of rhythm
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My friend put a beauty filter on her newborn baby. Welcome! I know you've been here for 3 minutes, but, you could be hotter.
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New York City is 8.8 million people who all think they're the most special little prince in all the land
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My dad went to the grocery store yesterday and said when he saw a guy wearing a bandana around his face he raised his hands in the air like it was a stick-up. Says he got laughs. Even corona cannot stop the spread of dad jokes. This is why we must stay inside.
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People in NYC love to tell you when your backpack is unzipped, but will not tell you if your whole tit is out
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I don't wanna brag, but I'm easily the 5th or 6th hottest bitch in this Trader Joe's right now
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Academy awards to my roommates for acting like I didn't accidentally leave a dildo in the bathroom for 24 hours
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Dear industry: please learn the difference between hot confident people and good comedy.
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Everything I hear about birds sounds like hot gossip. Most of them aren't monogamous, geese are assholes, ducks have weird-shaped penises
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Sometimes masturbating is effortless and other times I feel like I'm trying to re-fold a map
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Every Vermont couple I meet is like "hi, I'm Wilderblossom Chagaroot, this is my half daughter Auberghine Maplesteep, and this is my lover, Kyle."
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Funeral director: "Carmen died with 3,365 followers"
Me, rising from coffin: "wait, did someone unfollow me??"
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I was bombing the other night and noticed the audience was all young men so I just started telling them how to make a woman cum
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Imagine making minimum wage working fast food and a kid drives up with a camera in your face and orders like an asshole to catch how you react and then posts it and gets millions of likes and makes more than you as an "influencer" I mean the murder rates seem LOW
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There's nothing grosser than a man commenting on something in the background of a thirst trap. "Your toaster is unplugged lol" uuugh just jerk off and move on you fucking DORK
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My family: Come stay with us for the quarantine!
Me: I'm afraid I'll kill you.
Family: Ah yes, the virus.
Me: ...Sure.
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Friends announcing they tested positive for covid is reminding me that we should hang out more! But glad we haven't been.
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Once a month I carry on the tradition of being absolutely blindsided by my period
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What does implicit bias against female comics look like in stand-up comedy? For 9 years I've been watching dudes in the audience nod stoically to women's clever, perfectly crafted jokes, and then a man gets on and says "y'all fuck with cats?" and those same guys LOSE THEIR MINDS.
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Audience member ran into me at a pizza place right after my show, came up and said "I also masturbate in the bathroom!" and then the cashier slowly told me my total
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If you can get someone pregnant and don't want a baby or an abortion, get a vasectomy. Pregnancies are 100% mens' fault. Women cum zero potential babies and men cum 100 million maybebabies. If you're scared of vasectomies, make her cum then jerk off in a toilet u little bitch.
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I had to re-read an entire chapter of a book because instead of absorbing the words my brain was busy congratulating myself for reading
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Comedy is weirdly oversaturated. You could have 8 TV credits and 6 albums, but to get an unpaid check spot at Pervy's Giggle Shack you still need to be passed by Pervy's friend Trunky who hates women and has no openings til August 2020.
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Somewhere, there's a kid who didn't finish a project due Monday, wished for no more school, and now thinks he's some kind of powerful wizard
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I know this isn't the point, but every person storming the capitol right now is the ugliest motherfucker I've ever seen
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Ugly people with bad personalities: what's the plan here?
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Easily the most boring people are the ones who hate Amy Schumer. Get a personality, holy shit
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"I heard women don't have vaccine side effects if they get eaten out" -me to my boyfriend today
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I get the sense that a lot of people who say they like their coffee black don't like it black but it's worth drinking bitter so they can lord over others in a made-up value system where you're less-than if you add sugar or milk. Anyway I really want to leave the house.
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Accidentally spilled protein powder in my home and now all the mice have biceps
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I need to see a therapist to work on completing the steps it takes to get a therapist
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My mom is tagging me into racist threads like it's the WWE
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2011: you will become a stand-up comedian, a rare and strange path to carve in this stoic world...
2021: everyone is a comedian, your dentist has 6 million TikTok followers for her funny videos about tooth decay
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I'm driving with my dad and he just said "you want to pick a CD?" and handed me a huge book of the most dad music I've ever seen
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Most of what I say to my boyfriend is: "look at the cat", and the cat is just sitting there being a cat.
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All of you hating on Androids but I can get out of anything by saying "oh damn maybe it didn't send, I have an Android"
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"Because of covid we have 20% capacity, you get 10% of the door, we are located 600 miles away in a really inconvenient red part of a red state, can you come do 20 minutes? Hotel not included but you can stay with my uncle he's a sex offender but was never convicted"
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Phone: you've run out of space. Delete something.
Me, scrolling through thousands of pictures and videos of my cat sleeping: no.
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I live a normal life but just remembered this summer I wandered off, found a mysterious cave, crawled INSIDE, heard monster sounds, scrambled out, and now I'm just back to paying bills like that didn't happen
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If you don't feel like researching something just tweet wrong information and every man will get to work on that for you
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What if someone turned their life around because of one of those "live, laugh, love" pillows
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Cool friend: Last night l snorted cocaine and ran up $2000 in credit card debt
Me, afraid of drugs: ugh, I get it. Recently I had cold brew and bought a hardcover book
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This would be the most embarrassing time to have to go the hospital for getting something stuck in your ass.
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Can't stop laughing because my boyfriend and I went on his first audition today and in the space that said "pants", instead of his size he wrote "gray jeans"
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If you want to feel what it's like to be a God for a moment, blow bubbles at a playground
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Toddlers love trucks SO much. I think they're OK. Am I missing something?
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In the 5 1/2 years we've been together, my boyfriend and I have never bought a bag of bananas, and we both did it independently today. And now, as a couple, we will each eat 5 bananas a day.
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The nicest compliment female friends can give each other is "you're so hot that when we first met I hated you for no reason."
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Whenever any technology says "try again later" I always try again IMMEDIATELY
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I just remembered my college boyfriend had a really dramatic story about being addicted to pills and it was ibuprofen
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I've never texted the wrong person and I'm getting super cocky about it. I'll fire off nudes to my boyfriend while messaging 8 other people with his name just for the thrill.
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I swear I'm not high but can someone tell me why eyeballs don't get sunburned
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*me scooching through Trumpers angrily protesting the ballot counting*
"Hiii, sorryyy, I forgot to vote. One more for Biden, comin' through!"
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What if the vaccine rollouts keep roasting people? "Next eligible batch is for stupid bitches and men with dumb dicks."
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How is NYC? I just rolled my eyes at a bus then told a pigeon "don't eat that" and she listened.
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I walked past a scent that reminded me of my grandparent's house and felt nostalgic and like my ancestors were all around me. Seconds later it smelled like human shit and that's NYC baby!
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Saw a child in a Hawaiian shirt and my first thought was, "so young to be doing cocaine."
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I'm a +1 at the fanciest wedding of my life. I've eaten every kind of sea animal and my goal is to make out with the married, ultra-conservative mother of the groom by night's end. Wish me luck
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Dumb men reference Rogan like he's some sort of scientific journal. "If you refer to Episode 7,466, hour 12, you'll note that the guy who hosted Fear Factor says donkey donk hee haw about this matter, which therefore proves my point."
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When married people venmo each other I know they got a prenup
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I don't care who you are--you could be a 100 year old great-grandma--if you touch my arm my brain immediately thinks "wait..are we gonna fuck?"
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Me giving someone a tour of NYC:
"I bombed there, ate shit there, had a wild meltdown here, ooh I did ok in front of these trash cans"
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"If you're not married, who will decide if you're in a situation whether to pull the plug?" I don't give a shit, grab someone off the street who looks cool
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Well, it happened. My nephew put on a song that came out in '97 and announced "I heard this is from the 1900s!"
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Kids, gather round your grandma, I want to show you picture albums from my youth. Let's start with "mobile uploads", then "party n bull$hit"
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Proud to announce that I have been named a "2019 Comic We've Watched and...Frankly? Don't Know What To Do With"
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My hometown ex's friends were in the audience at a show I killed on and that's why I do this
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Just noticed my mom doesn't follow me, but she does follow The Comedy Cellar, a club I do not work at.
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Came home drunk last night, checked my phone today and it's full of blurry selfies with my cat. So I guess alcohol doesn't effect my behavior at all.
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Attn groups of 4 walking side by side: this isn't red rover you HAVE to give me a sliver of sidewalk
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Women with 14k followers all have a sexy avi and tweet things like "margarine is for cuties, butter is for hotties"
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Comedy is weird because while you perform you get to watch people discovering in real time that laughter and joy is not for them.
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The term "settled down" for people who married, got a house and had kids is insane. You "chaosed up". I'm the one settled--no leaky shingles, sleep til noon, wiping zero extra asses. ZERO.
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When I was 12 my mom told me "middle school isn't forever," and boy did she not anticipate I would go into stand-up comedy
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My writing process involves tons of snacks, a cup of tea, a lucky pen, lighting my writing candle, and absolutely no actual writing.
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I gave a guy a fake name yesterday but panicked and went with "Sandra?" and he goes, "...Sandra???" and for a moment we bonded over hating my fake name.
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If you stay past the credits of Captain Marvel there's a scene where she's in the air force accidentally bombing a school in Yemen
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Text “ENOUGH” To 55156
Sign petitions
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Make calls
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I know so many comedians with brilliant hours of stand-up, pilots, pitches, sketches, and solid social medias, and I can't wait to hire them to walk my dog or help me move!!
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My great-aunt died of covid and the hardest part about it was not asking my mom "which one was she again?"
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My boyfriend is bingeing Great British Baking Show and I'm going insane, it's like 6 hours/day of "when I was wee, me mum baked me brittles n whispets!"
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