Brittany Van Horne
@_brittanyv
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head writer, good @mythical morning. formerly @tooningout , @adultswim , @thegoldbergsabc , @fullfrontalsamb . rep’d @ 831 entertainment. opinions are my own
Los Angeles, CA
Joined March 2012
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Pinned Tweet
Employers: We can't find anyone to work for us🥺
Americans: Will you pay us more?
Employers: No! Also, write us a custom letter about why working for us would be your life's passion hehe:)
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If we want to raise the money to buy twitter back and put it in the hands of the people, we’re going to have to put on the greatest talent show this town’s ever seen
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Unfortunately this is what every email I send sounds like
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Me: I need to go to the doctor. How much will that cost?
My insurance: If it's a doctor that you seek to see, answer my here riddles three / Go to the wrong one and in debt you'll be / But which one is right? You won't hear from me
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New irrational fear just dropped: doing something so unhinged in public that 3 separate people go viral tweeting about it
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Tech giants are feeling the effects of Apple making it harder to track people online. This week, Meta said those changes cost it billions this year. Then its stock price fell more than 26% on Thursday, wiping more than $230 billion off its market value.
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If The Leftovers happened in 2020 it’d be a single episode where everyone just said “It’s only 2% of the population, who cares?” and then the series was over
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Can’t stop thinking about LA County closing playgrounds but keeping indoor malls open. Sorry kids, but you can’t spend money at a playground.
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My apartment complex wanted to raise our rent $269 and refused to seriously negotiate so we decided to leave and now they’re trying to find new tenants to fill it for a rent price even lower than what we would’ve agreed to. This is a classic business tactic called “losing money”
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Literally this 30 rock joke
Charlie Kirk: "I never liked Larry David. He is not the brains of the operation of Seinfeld ... he's your typical kind of New York Woody Allen-type that is constantly complaining"
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I went to bed thinking about Her and woke up thinking about Her. The part where she gets mad for being heckled during the unsolicited performance…. Omfg
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I’m so scared of TikTok. Every video I see is of a teenager saying something like “your grandma asking you for a ride to the doctor is a symptom of late-stage capitalism” and it has 10,000 comments like “I NEVER THIS KNEW BUT IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE”
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It is not a comedian’s job to be a moral authority. Their job is to question if a shrimp really fried this rice
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Love is Blind is so good. They took 10 people with absolutely childlike ideas of what it means to be in love/in a relationship & convinced them it’s deep to get married to someone they can’t stand just because they dated for 3 days without seeing each other. I’d watch 10 seasons
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The year is 2035. Apple, Amazon, Disney, and Discovery have all formed into one mega-corp that produces the last remaining TV show — a reality show where teen mothers compete against each other in a dance-off to win a year of health care coverage. Life is bad ❤️
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People who post things like “exciting possibilities in the works!” are the bravest people in the world. I do not trust that anything good is ever going to happen to me until it’s 100% confirmed and I’m literally experiencing it, and even then I’m still not fully convinced.
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The rich & powerful get top-notch care and experimental drugs to recover from the virus they caught due to their own negligence while average Americans who caught it because they were forced to go to work die
BREAKING—Chris Christie was not only hospitalized, but he was in the ICU for 7-days... and he got special VIP access to Eli Lily’s synthetic monoclonal antibody drug direct from the manufacturer (it’s not available to general public since it’s not FDA approved). That’s privilege.
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I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM SO FUCKED UP FROM THIS YEAR THAT I AM ABOUT TO CRY BECAUSE A CHILD MOLESTER DIDN'T WIN A SENATE SEAT
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@lizweil
When I was in HS, a girl was shunned & made fun of school-wide for being overweight. Adults called it an inevitable part of the HS experience. She never got a NY Mag article. When a boy shares nudes of a girl & kids choose to shun him for it, why is it suddenly cancel culture?
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They dropped the price another $50 this morning 🤪🤪🤪 which is crazy because they insisted our $269 rent increase was still a great deal because they had internally valued our apartment at “several hundred dollars more”
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@sorry__charley
Btw the editing of this video deserves an Oscar. The hard cut to the opera singing and then the goblin (?) bit knocked me off my feet
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EVERYONE: Twitter, please, shut down the President's account before he starts a nuclear war.
TWITTER: Ok, we're hearing "more characters"
This is a small change, but a big move for us. 140 was an arbitrary choice based on the 160 character SMS limit. Proud of how thoughtful the team has been in solving a real problem people have when trying to tweet. And at the same time maintaining our brevity, speed, and essence!
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Why didn’t anybody tell me adulthood was 90% sitting around and hoping to get a good email
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Everybody very seriously explaining to my why the real world pandemic is different from the fictional tv show is awesome
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@hollis_jane
@naanking
Hard to say which part of this prompted the biggest reaction from me. “Magically transform into a cleaning nazi” is the obvious choice, but “RUN with them, do not stop them running ever” is an understated line
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Already seeing some people take this tweet in bad faith & twist it into me saying she’s beyond reproach. No politician is perfect & every politician should be criticized. If you’re not someone who hates her solely bc she appeals to ppl u think are normies then this isn’t about u
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After telling everyone Tomi’s new book “Never Play Dead” was the story of the time she survived a bear attack by a democratic bear and they believed it, I’ve decided Tomi needed to have a change of heart and retire from the site forever.
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Being a writer is all about someone delivering you the most heartbreaking news you’ve ever heard and replying “thanks for letting me know!”
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@lizweil
Come to think of it, we also had another girl whose nudes were leaked when I was in middle school. The boy who leaked them got a slap on the wrist, while the girl became so ostracized that she had to switch schools. I wonder why there was no cover story for her...?
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Republicans: I own GUNS so I can FIGHT BACK in the case of a TYRANNICAL GOVERNMENT
(Trump declares a military state in response to Americans practicing their first amendment rights)
Republicans: ᵒᵏ ᵐʳ ᵗʳᵘᵐᵖ ᶦᶠ ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃʸ ˢᵒ
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was just rewatching the vice presidential debate and noticed that there was a fly on mike pence's head lol- anyone else see that?
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@SleepingCheugy
if I hadn't already signed another lease I honestly probably would've tried this. we WANTED to stay!
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While this is gaining steam let me remind everyone I’m a WGA comedy writer looking for my next room! Nice girl from the midwest with lots of weird stories and experiences, joke machine, samples ready to go! And hell, I’d even write you a cover letter if you wanted it
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Standup comedy is one of the very few potential funnels into TV writing and seeing how unsafe that space is for women just... really makes you think
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Since people are curious, this is a corporate management company. They don’t know us personally and they stick to the rules above all. They described their business model as similar to an internet company’s where new clients get better introductory rates for the first year lol
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@sorry__charley
Every video I’ve seen of this makes me sick to my stomach to have missed out on such a tent pole moment in amc 16 culture
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“I’ve never seen anyone do that” cool, I’m happy for you, I have 👍 “I dislike her for a different reason” awesome, then this tweet wasn’t about you 👍 muting now
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@MNateShyamalan
Interns don’t tweet for huge corporate brand accounts. What’s funnier is this tweet was probably done by a mid-level social media manager who had to go through several rounds of approval to post this
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Restaurant menu: Turkey sandwich with mayo.
Me: Meh. Sounds okay.
Restaurant menu: Turkey sandwich with 𝒶𝒾𝑜𝓁𝒾
Me: Holy fuck. Holy shit. Wow
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Looking for a website where everyone is miserable & in competition with each other to make the most deranged broad statements w/ unearned confidence. Ideally it’d be something I’d feel compelled to check every single day and make myself angry every time. Lmk if u have suggestions
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"both should be closed" - arguable, not the point
"kids could go play elsewhere" - also not the point, this is a tweet about how our government makes decisions based on money not safety, leave me alone
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I’ve noticed that Gen Z has an extremely loose concept of what qualifies as “rich.” Pls know that when we talk about the unethically rich, we’re mostly talking about billionaires rather than like, a childless 25 year old with enough disposable income to have a Disney annual pass
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My son Glorbus got bullied at school today for being awful and the only thing that will make him feel better is seeing his mommy go viral. Can I get some RT’s to show Glorbus there are still people in the world who love his mommy’s twitter??
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@naomirwolf
Me and my girlies have been uncontrollably pissing and shitting when we’re around unvaccinated people. Needs more investigation, but concerning.
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“I can’t believe this website is free” it’s not. You pay with your sanity
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@LASDHQ
Here’s the actual video since you’re unabashedly trying to mislead people about what happened
A tense situation developing in Lynwood as a handful of protesters on sidewalk shout at deputies outside St. Francis medical center where 2 deputies are recovering from surgery after being shot tonight in Compton
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6 months into quarantine and my personal happiness is hinging on the democratic senate primary results of a state I don’t live in because I want to see a rich boy get embarrassed
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this is the only crypto/NFT explanation I’ve ever heard that actually made it click for me
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Obviously the man who oversaw LA turning into a national Covid hotspot and saw homelessness rise under his leadership,
@ericgarcetti
, should not fail up into a cabinet position.
#BlockGarcetti
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Twitter is really not the place for personal stuff like this but I just got our wedding photos and I’m feral. I’ll reactivate a MySpace account to post these. I’m gonna print them and tape them on lampposts throughout the city. Carrier pigeon. I’m obsessed.
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all hell broke loose at the AMC Burbank 16 last night
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@Bobman1106
@ADHDeanASL
the important thing to remember here is that this tweet is real, extremely serious, and 100% going to happen in reality
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@HPluvcat
I’d feel better if it was personal, honestly! But they don’t know us at all, even though we’ve lived here 6 years. Big corporate management that won’t budge the rules for anything, even if it would benefit them.
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Seeing Volodymyr Zelenskyy in all these videos has to be pretty surreal. Like can you imagine if we elected Julia Louis Dreyfus president after Veep and then one day saw her wearing fatigues on the ground of a war telling the world she needs more ammo
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[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
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At my middle school, a girl sent nudes to a boy who then leaked the pictures. He got a slap on the wrist while the girl's life was ruined. She became so ostracized she had to switch schools. Yet, no cover story in NY Mag framing her as a victim or calling it cancel culture.
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I'll use this as a chance to "plug" that in order to keep said health insurance I still need to make the WGA minimum this year, so if you'd like to read a sample for staffing/freelance purposes, here's my WGA profile and P.S. unions rock:
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As someone whose
#1
paranoia is bedbugs I need someone with credentials to tell me how much I have to actually worry about this because I swear to god the psychosomatic itching began the moment I read these tweets 😭
if bedbugs have infested paris, and all the fashion week people cause an outbreak in major american cities, then i need to tell all of my friends right now that i am going to be absolutely insufferable about precautions. if you thought i was annoying about covid get fucking ready
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When this is all said and done, Larry David should do an episode of Curb where Drew Carey walks in on Larry paying at Swinger’s with his WGA card
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Chris D’elia thinking people were distracted enough by the slap that he could use it to soft launch a return to twitter is easily the funniest thing to happen tonight
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Took a stab at explaining this gamestop stock thing
in a way that's easy to understand, hope it's helpful
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@bdgrabinski
It seems so easy not to and yet… what if I snap one day and sing opera to the movie theater myself
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This tweet is how I learned that there’s an active lawsuit against my property management company, AvalonBay, amongst others, alleging they used software to conspire with other landlords to drive rent prices up.
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Also a great time to mention that as a
@WGAEast
member, I stand with the writers of
@thechaseabc
in their strike. They deserve affordable health care, as we all do. In a world where that isn't provided by our government, I'm grateful to my union for fighting for us to have it.
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Twitter is such an exhausting place it makes me hate the people I disagree with AND the people I agree with. I will check it 67 more times today.
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@alexblagg
Never underestimate how many minds and hearts can be changed by a 22 year old tweeting “Disney channel lowkey fell off” 🥰
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this tweet has now blown up enough that I've started getting hate from people which is honestly the funniest and most accurate encapsulation of this site ever
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Britney's conservatorship ending on the same day as Taylor's version of Red drops and a first look at a new Lindsey Lohan movie -- let's take this all the way, get George Bush to apologize to the Dixie Chicks
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My body 10 years ago: Let's eat WHATEVER WE WANT AND FEEL GREAT!! Cookies for dinner? DO IT!!
My body now: Think you can take a bite of cheese? You bitch. You dumb bitch. You'll never know peace again. You'e DONE
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"I've never seen Star Wars," I say, sending the man next to me into cardiogenic shock. "I've never seen it!" I repeat. The men flail, foam at the mouth, form boils. I go over the loud speaker and scream it to the masses. All the men have disintegrated. The world is mine now.
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“Normalize this,” they said. “Normalize that.” Normalize everything. Now look at what you’ve done. Angeline Jolie is covered in bees
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@_JGD
American insurance has "in-network" & "out-of-network" doctors. so if you go to an out-of-network Dr., they'll cover less. There's also specific rules around how to go- for example, if you need a specialist, some insurers require you get a referral from your primary care first
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My daughter is 6 years old and nobody showed up to her birthday party. Please RT to help bully her
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This makes sense and is real. Every time I go to Starbucks they call out "Coffee for she/her!" and like 25 people answer. It's a terrible system
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I kid you not, last night I went to THIS chipotle and got served by this kid. I was like “so have people been shoving cameras in your face with that rumor?” and this guy was like “some dude literally came in with a go pro.” Never in my life did I imagine I’d see the video 😭
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Back in the day, comedy could be daring (talking about how annoying my wife is). These days, due to cancel culture, comedy must be “safe” (talking about how my wife left me)
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FYI if you miss the burbank AMCs and have rewards points that will expire before you’re comfortable returning to movie theaters, you can just bring the popcorn home with you
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