I need a pants beer and a new Breckie Hill OF post like a fish needs water.

Just sank 8 pregame beers and am sitting at a triple A baseball game trying to guess if this chick with the rack in front of us is 18. Never kill yourself kids

Hope Pulisic’s sleep score is in the mid 90’s cause watching Agyemang trying to dribble the ball is like watching an Asian chick trying to back an 18 wheeler into a compact parking space

Wonder that if my group members in my 7th grade math Olympiad project knew I cranked it to 80% of their VSCO’s on the reg we would have gotten better than a C+

I live my life with the same level of enthusiasm as a 58 year old substitute teacher taking attendance for the special education class

Lawyer just told me that having a 15 day streak with a busty goth girl is basically the same as consent

Still weighing out my options mom

Another day in the office

Sorority Formal feels like I got dropped onto the beaches of Normandy wearing a yamarkle and wrapped in an Israel flag

If you’re an artsy bisexual girl and lack a healthy relationship with your father, I’m on yo bumper

Just did a virus check on my computer and it lit up like Central Park on the 4th of July. Learned my lesson with those black market porn sites

Second time this week I’ve had a wet dream about a Subway Surfer character, think I’ll take that higher dose of Vicodin after all dock

Just tried to do it like Sigma Nu at my DUI class, would not recommend

Yeah George Washington was a beast with battles and congress and such, but nowhere in my textbook can I find anything about him sexually disappointing bisexual girls and binge watching 2019 Michael Thomas highlights.

Me and the fellas strolling into Sand Bar with half of Columbia in our pockets

God these rushees fucking suck. Stop asking me what my dad does for work and show me how much cocaine you can inhale in one setting

just waiting for them to cut to the kelces suite to donna having them thangs swanging like an old playground tire swing

Just hit the Holy Trinity in the communal showers: Masturbated Shaved My Pubes Blasted Free Bird On A Stolen Speaker

Dry Humping > Terrorism

Smoking hand rolled cigarettes from countries you’ve never heard of produced by children who’s name you can’t even pronounce