no no you don’t get it. you see, now that I’ve intellectualized my problems I’m no longer affected by them.

or wait no shit I mean h o titty oh geode.

as a man, admitting to yourself that you no longer fit in those 29” waist shorts is kinda like having to shoot your own dog. if I get to 31” then life ceases to be worth living.

the concept of being a well-adjusted human being with healthy coping mechanisms

RT @spero1ucem: you kind of look like if all the light in the world had gotten together and arranged itself into the shape of a face.

RT @darth__mouth: I do not know how to put this gently but part of being a good driver is using the gas and brake as little as humanly poss….

RT @TheWapplehouse: It was called Four Loko and like all perfect things we banned it.

I drive a MANUAL so I can SIT ON IT and FUCK MYSELF IN THE ASS.

aw shit I missed my chance to be insufferable yesterday.

I would absolutely fuck the text man for texts are you kidding? I crave validation.

loving someone is cool. I should do that again sometime.

I need to go hike to a glacier about this (everything).

HAIM always got those fuck-ass dance moves but I Quit is a banger of an album.

RT @atomicarchive: 80 years ago, on July 16, 1945, the world's first nuclear explosion «Trinity» was conducted by the United States. https:….

nevermind people they don’t match on OT.

my personal first world problem about paid overtime is that it makes it extremely hard to arrive at exactly a $23500 401(k) contribution for the year in a system that only takes percentage values of my paycheck.

RT @ap33scap3: no shade to Tommy Wiseau but this is the kinda picture you'd get in grindr dms from CDSissyBottom.

same-day program all-hands just got scheduled for 3:30pm with zero context

any women feeling particularly vulnerable and/or have an interest in being emotionally manipulated rn?

the problem with the apps is that you will not find your wife on it. the problem with my use of the apps is that I’m unfortunately too good at them to stop.

RT @NeoWokio: No offense but if you like this kind of shit I think you’re a huge loser.