I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

The older I get, the more irritated I am by the spelling of Wednesday

I’ve said “well that didn’t sound good” many times in my life while driving. Now that I’m in my 40s, I also say it in reference to my body.

My dog: *panting in terror and shuddering like a lopsided laundry load on spin cycle* Me: Awww it’s okay, boy. It’s just a rapid series of explosions and guns going off hundreds of times for hours and hours. Don’t be such a scaredy cat.

Don't be a pessimist and tell me my fly is half open. Be an optimist and say it's half closed!

Well, it’s Father’s Day and the rest of my family is out of town. So, basically I’m living the dream of all mothers on Mother’s Day

If you’re having a bad day, find a toddler and ask them to pronounce hallelujah. You’re welcome

I’m on a weight-loss journey. But I appear to be walking backwards.

Pausing a movie to explain old tech to your kid makes you really appreciate how far we’ve come, and how old you’ve gotten. Mostly the old part tho

Little kids putting on clothes is more entertaining than professional wrestling.

Some of you will need this soon.

Replaced a fuse in a rival dad’s Christmas lights so the second half of the strand would turn on right in front of his wife and kids.

happy "let's circle back on this after the holidays" to all who observe!

You know what’s worse than getting a song you hate stuck in your head? Your kid getting a song you hate stuck in their head. Like 10 times worse man

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

My son forgot what earlobes are called so after a pause he said ear sacks. He is no longer allowed to speak if he doesn’t recall a word.

11-year-old: Are we doing anything fun this weekend? Me: Yes. 11: Actually fun or what you think is fun? She's catching on.