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New York Times Pitchbot Profile
New York Times Pitchbot

@DougJBalloon

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Following
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1,337
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78,698

Parody. The really well-trained dog is the one that turns his somersault when there is no whip. merch:

Assassination coordinates
Joined March 2009
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
Use the code BLUECHECK for a 20% discount at the pitchbot store!
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
3 years
We wanted to understand what’s happening in Afghanistan. So we talked to three unvaccinated Trump supporters at an Arby’s in Harrisburg
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
A full 34,966 New York police officers opted to get vaccinated. Here’s the story of the 34 who did not.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
9 months
How it started. How it’s going.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
I can’t top this
@nytimes
The New York Times
1 year
In the U.S., Sam Bankman-Fried is persona non grata. But in interviews across the Bahamas, residents say that his crimes were hardly comparable to the gang violence of the island, and expressed fears of economic fallout if crypto investors don't return.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Whether it’s liberals interrupting Brett Kavanaugh‘s meal with a chant, or conservatives interrupting Paul Pelosi‘s evening with a hammer blow to the head, both sides have a problem respecting the privacy of public figures.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Opinion | I was a lifelong liberal Democrat. Then Beto O'Rourke was rude to Greg Abbott at a press conference.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
4 years
Sources close to Jared and Ivanka said that privately the couple opposes the pandemic
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
3 years
We wanted to understand how mRNA vaccines work. So we talked to three Fox News viewers at a Bonefish Grill in The Villages.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
9 months
I can’t top this
@nytopinion
New York Times Opinion
9 months
Highly educated anti-Trumpers typically see themselves as the good guys, a force of progress and enlightenment. But, @nytdavidbrooks asks, what if we are really the bad guys?
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
How it started. How it’s going
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
9 months
I can’t top this
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
Report: Top Twitter engineer fired after telling Musk that “irregardless” is not a word.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Opinion | My own same sex marriage, which I do not support, should not be legal in the US under the Constitution. by Glenn Greenwald
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
3 years
Opinion | I was a lifelong liberal Democrat. Then DoorDash screwed up my order.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Opinion | Put the nuclear codes on the blockchain by Andrew Yang
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
7 months
I just learned that Gaza is not the same thing as the West Bank. Here’s how I think the Israeli-Palestinian conflict can be resolved…(1/93)
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
My PPP loan for 150K was forgiven. That's completely different than having a student loan forgiven. Let me explain why...(1/213)
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
It takes a good six-year-old with a gun to stop a bad six-year-old with a gun.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
I was an economics major at Harvard but I did take a Russian literature course pass/fail during my junior year. What a lot of people don't understand is that the Russia psyche is very different from our own. I'll start with some passages from Brothers Karamazov...(1/187)
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
3 months
I can’t compete with this
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
3 years
My father was a single digit billionaire. I would hardly describe my childhood as privileged. We still cleared our own plates, my dad sewed the buttons back on his Brioni suits. Had we faced a billionaires’ tax…(1/87)
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Can a sitting president declassify documents just by thinking about it? The DOJ says no, but Twitter user @magaguy1776 isn’t so sure.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
6 months
I can't top this.
@snorukous
graston verrpit
6 months
nyt outpitched the pitchbot @DougJBalloon
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
Are Democrats winning too many Senate seats?
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
The FBI raid of Mar-a-Lago could have a chilling effect on future presidents’ ability to hide classified materials detailing their efforts to overthrow the government.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
If Biden is unable to freeze prices in the worldwide oil market, then I have no choice but to vote to end democracy in the United States.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
10 months
How it started. How it’s going.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
How Tesla became the Axe body spray of cars
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
What to do when your doctor and your podcaster disagree about treatment
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
3 years
Opinion | Racism is an important part of my culture. So why is the left trying to cancel it?
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
How it started. How it’s going.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
The Ethicist | I overheard our nanny celebrating getting 10K of her student loans forgiven. Is it ok to reduce her salary by 10K?
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
7 months
Matt Gaetz needs 20 "no" votes to depose Kevin McCarthy, but if history is any guide, he will stop at 17.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
3 years
Opinion | I was a lifelong liberal Democrat. Then my Trinidadian cousin’s testicles became swollen
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
SCOOP: Nuclear weapons to vaporize the earth tomorrow. In an exclusive from her new book, Maggie Haberman reveals that three years ago, Vladimir Putin told her he planned to destroy the world on September 13, 2022
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Jesus has risen from the dead. Here’s why that’s bad news for Joe Biden.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
Breaking character: In case Elon cancels me soon, I wanted to share with you the greatest NYT parody ever, written I believe by a person who shows up in this account's replies a lot.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
We wanted to know what’s going on with that Chinese spy balloon over Montana. So we talked to four unvaccinated Trump supporters at a Panda Express in Helena.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
From the archives | But if President Lincoln were to free the slaves—a preposterous idea—how would that be fair to slaves who risked life and limb to escape or who actually bought their emancipation the old-fashioned way: through hard work? The Editorial Board, 1863
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
3 years
The Taliban has learned its lesson by Susan Collins
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
3 months
I think we may be nearing the end of civilization
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
The optics of lesbian dance theory majors buying avocado toast and lattes with their loan forgiveness checks while hard-working Americans struggle to afford basic necessities like AR-15s and SUVs are just terrible for Biden.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Whether it’s a secret recording of Biden telling his drug-addicted son he loves him or one of Trump saying he grabs women by the p***y, both sides have had their troubles with secret recordings.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
One silver lining for McCarthy is that once the number of votes goes over 16, Matt Gaetz will probably lose interest.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
3 years
Matt Gaetz has learned his lesson by Susan Collins
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
24 days
Did DEI cause today’s NYC earthquake? No, but it didn’t prevent it, either.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Whether it's Democrats using closed captions during interviews or Republicans masturbating in preschool parking lots, both sides have struggled with some troubling optics.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Opinion | I was a lifelong liberal Democrat. Then reproductive rights activists held a vigil in front of Brett Kavanaugh's house.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
We wanted to understand how the Roe reversal will affect treatment for things like ectopic pregnancies. So we talked to four unvaccinated firemen at a Sbarro in Staten Island.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
We wanted to understand the lasting impact of feminist scholar bell hooks. So we talked to three unvaccinated firefighters at a Five Guys in Staten Island.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
I can’t top this
@JonathanTurley
Jonathan Turley
2 years
With Hillary Clinton selling “But Her Emails” hats at $30 a pop, Merrick Garland will have to explain the prospect of one politician going to jail while the other goes retail.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
We wanted to understand why Critical Race Theory was being taught in Middle Earth schools. So we talked to three Orcs at a Panera Bread in Mordor.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
Whether it’s AOC believing that the US should have single-payer health care or MTG believing that Hillary Clinton killed a kid, skinned the kid, and wore the kid’s skin as a face mask, charismatic women on both sides of the aisle have espoused controversial opinions.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
THREAD: THE TWITTER FILES PART NINE HOW TWITTER SUPPRESSED THE STORY OF NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND'S SWOLEN TESTICLES
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
It’s easy to feel smug about the crypto collapse, but honestly who could’ve predicted that an asset with no intrinsic value of any kind would eventually become worthless?
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
10 months
My four year old was reading a history of the Wagner Group when he turned to me gravely and asked, “Daddy, why did Russia and the Titan both implode this week?” And when I told him “to distract from the Hunter Biden guilty plea,” he started crying
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Opinion | I was a lifelong liberal Democrat. Then I saw a baby give money to a drag queen, and now I'm a Nazi.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
We wanted to know why crime in New York City has become such a big problem. So we talked to three unvaccinated Ted Cruz supporters at a LongHorn Steakhouse in Plano.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Opinion | I was a lifelong liberal Democrat. Then my left-leaning customer base realized I was a delusional con man and stopped buying my shitty products. by Elon Musk
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Opinion | I was a lifelong liberal Democrat. Then I saw Kamala Harris using wired headphones.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
How it started. How it’s going.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
6 months
We were told a recession was coming. Now the economy is booming. Another broken Biden promise.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
7 months
Hard to compete with this.
@MDaware
Seth Trueger
7 months
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Inside Elon Musk’s savvy quest to turn a $40 billion company into 4chan.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
I’m a columnist turned epidemiologist by trade, but I’ve spent the past 36 hours watching YouTube videos about successful insurgencies. Here’s what I think the Ukrainians need to do…(1/273)
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Thousands of Americans are dying from Omicron each week. The good news is that most of these deaths are mild.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
10 months
It takes a good toddler with a gun to stop a bad toddler with a gun.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
We wanted to understand the complex situation unfolding in Ukraine. So we talked to three unvaccinated Trump supporters at a Hardee's in Myerstown.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
Opinion | By halving his net worth in nine months, Elon Musk has done more to reduce income inequality than Bernie Sanders ever did.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
I have never been a supporter of Donald Trump, but if he is indicted this week, I will have no choice but to vote for him for the third time.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
There is no Constitutional prohibition against writing a PowerPoint presentation about how to stage a coup. In fact, the word PowerPoint appears nowhere in the Constitution. by Jonathan Turley
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Opinion | I attacked Nancy Pelosi‘s husband with a hammer—and now regret it. Here’s how Democrats can appeal to voters like me.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
Are House Democrats too united?
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
Source: Ron DeSantis to fly 300 gas stoves to Martha's Vineyard.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
Inside the Democratic mistakes and miscalculations that led the party to a historically strong midterm showing.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
24 days
We wanted to understand what caused today’s earthquake in New York City. So we talked to three unvaccinated Trump Media investors at a Chick-fil-A in Staten Island.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
Critics say Adolf Hitler has revealed himself as an anti-Semite. It’s not so simple.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
8 months
If FEMA won't helicopter me out of Burning Man, I'm going to become an even bigger libertarian.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Opinion | I’m a pro-choice suburban mother who hates Trump. Here’s why I’ll be voting Republican on November 8.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
3 years
Taliban denounces comparisons with American GOP. “We believe in vaccines,” said one Islamic fundamentalist leader.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Whether it’s Kamala Harris telling blind people she’s wearing a blue suit, or Donald Trump telling the Russians our nuclear codes, there have been norm-shattering disclosures on both sides.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Between Hillary emailing risotto recipes from a private server and Trump selling our nuclear secrets, neither side seems to care much about protecting important information.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
3 years
I am a triple vaxxed law professor married to an immunologist, living in a blue area where the vaccination rate is over 95%. I would’ve voted for Obama for a third term if I could. But the truth is, there are serious constitutional issues with Biden’s vaccine mandates…(1/983)
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
10 months
Naval experts say that the Titan sub likely suffered a catastrophic implosion. But Twitter user @qanoncryptoguy has a very different theory.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
14 days
Donald Trump repeatedly fell asleep during today’s trial proceedings, raising alarms about Biden’s vigor and stamina.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
This morning while we were listening to The Daily, my four year-old turned to me gravely and asked "Daddy, why are there no pictures of Naomi Biden's wedding in the Times?" When I told him "because Vogue got an exclusive", he started crying.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
Democrats now hold a 51-49 advantage in the Senate. Here's why that's bad news for Joe Biden.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
What happens now in Ukraine? We talked with three unvaccinated cops at a McDonald’s in Toms River to find out.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
The FBI executed a search warrant at Trump's Mar-a-Lago earlier today. Here’s why that’s bad news for Joe Biden.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Opinion | I was a lifelong moderate Republican. Then the media was mean to Mitt Romney in 2012, so I became a Nazi.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
9 months
We were watching "Oppenheimer" in the theater when my four-year-old turned to me gravely and whispered "Daddy how come the US doesn't drop nuclear bombs on other countries anymore?" And when I told him "Because we've become too woke to be true warriors", he started crying.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
Fox News has learned its lesson. by Susan Collins
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
What to do when your doctor and your podcaster disagree about vaccinating your children.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Worried about the political situation in Italy? These garlicky sheet-pan gnocchi will have you living la dolce vita again.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
3 months
Let us savor..(1/X)
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Whether it’s people on the left giving their pronouns, or people on the right ending all access to abortion, both sides have betrayed women.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
2 years
Whether it’s Republicans acting like fascists, or Democrats pointing out that Republicans are acting like fascists, both sides have a fascism problem.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
Trump did nothing wrong. And if he did do something wrong it wasn’t illegal. And if it was illegal, it’s not something people are usually prosecuted for. And if it is something that people are usually prosecuted for, a former president still shouldn’t be prosecuted for it.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
1 year
I can't top this.
@jonathanweisman
Jonathan Weisman
1 year
In some sense, both sides are right, both sides are wrong and, in the bifurcated politics of this American moment, none of the arguments much matter.
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@DougJBalloon
New York Times Pitchbot
10 months
We wanted to understand what's going on in Russia. So we talked to three cryptocurrency traders at a Tesla charging station in Menlo Park.
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