your password must contain a character... with a tragic backstory

eating radioactive shrimp with my sensei and lovin every minute of it

won a goldfish that knows the future and it predicted i'd win a goldfish. consider my mind hella blown

joy is a capitalist surveillance tool

don't beat an alive horse either

wiping tears away with my yellow belt

tried to learn guitar online and now i can play the liberty ad perfectly

stigmata and chill

If you love someone, let them know now. It'll only get weird if you try to tell them when you're a ghost.

starting to think love songs aren’t about me specifically

i know i said we'd be together forever, but you just said "acrossed"

trying to pay rent with a haiku

wrinkles are just passive-aggressive love notes from gravity

i found my puka shell necklace on the beach and now it's YOUR problem

whispering "shake it off" to my sensei when we bow to each other

my life is just vicious cycles of laziness & self-reflection

Scared of clowns? Just remember, underneath all that makeup is just a person… who chose to be a clown.

a soap dispenser except it's lobster bisque

I don’t mind being an uber driver. It’s a flexible and easy way to make money. And by flexible, I mean unpredictable. And by easy, I mean hard. And by money, I mean debt.

i can't afford to dream big - even my aspirations are on a budget

My date asked what I bring to the table. I brought my diabetic cat. There was no second date.